Fat People

Man: Is this the happy train? (no reply) Oh, this is the depressed train. Who wants spare change?

–N Train

Overheard by: ellen.

Big old Russian guy: So vhy you drink? You drink ven you are happy, and you drink ven you are sad. Me, I am either happy, or I am sad. So me, I am drinking all the time!

–Deli, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Zinny

Large woman on cell: I wanted to suck away your happiness, do you understand? I just wanted to suck it away!

–Grand Central Station

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. So then he pulls the rubber duck out of his (lowers voice) ass and says he loves me. Yeah, for the first time, I was so happy…

–B Train

Fat girl at bar: Be hot, be educated, bend me over. That's all I want.

–Kenny's Castaways

Overheard by: Richard

Conductor (bitchily): Ladies and gentlemen, if you think the car you are in is too hot, feel free to get up and move!

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Teenage girl to friend: Yeah, right, like, "Hi, I took the school bus with you in elementary school. Now you're really hot." (both laugh)

–Hunter College High School

Overheard by: Rosebud

Man on phone: Hey man, she was hot. But listen, don't tell her I have a girlfriend, okay?

–5th Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: i'm going to break it to her gently

Teenage girl on cell: Yes, I know you're not supposed to take pills from people you don't know, but he was so hot! And then I think I had sex with him.

–Chinatown Bus Station

Overheard by: Emily

Old man in laundry room: I saw a young man the other day put about 8 Levi's in this little machine, here. They came out with soap all over them because he didn't give them enough room. I turned to him and said, "young man, you need your mother."

–25th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Adam and AMC

Old man, yelling at a passing ambulance with blaring sirens: Oh, shut the fuck up. Goddamnit!

–Broadway & Washington Place

Little old lady, passing a steep cellar: Wow. I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs.

–Broome Street b/w Allen & Eldridge

Overheard by: always take the elevator

Little old lady to physical therapist: Can I Facebook friend you?

–Parkside Physical Therapy, 100th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Old Greek man to another: Ya gotta use ya mind, ya money, and ya mouth. Mmm. The three Ms.

–Ditmars

Overheard by: ashley

Old lady with walker to nurse: I just love fresh air and a cigarette.

–5th & B

Overheard by: Adam Glaser

Older man to waiter: You didn't tell me that soup wasn't included. I can't believe you're charging someone of my generation for soup. I shouldn't have to pay for just water, chicken, and rice. Some of us here are on a fixed income. (to neighboring table) You be careful! Your bill's going to come to $30! (pays at register) You should have told me. Now I hope you're happy that tomorrow an old man won't be able to afford his medicine.

–New Wave Cafe, 79th & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.
Skinny Asian guy: I don't think he's the best, but he's pretty good.
Attractive, tall guy: He's no Joe Montana.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: That's bullshit, he's the best ever, and you can't really argue that point. Just look at how many touchdowns he has.
Skinny Asian guy: Man, you are in love with him, it's a little scary.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston (completely serious): I am, I would totally let him fuck me if he would let me hang out with him…I would be the man.
Skinny Asian guy: I thought you were straight?
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Fuck you! I am straight but that doesn't mean I can't bang Tom Brady. I wouldn't give him oral though, I don't think.
Overweight Hispanic guy drinking appletini: Football sucks compared to soccer.

–45th & Madison

Elegantly dressed French lady, speaking to New York Bus Service representative: Excuse me, when does the bus arrive?
Overweight representative, screaming: The port authoritah bus come 'erry ha'f hour!
Elegantly dressed French lady (pausing and turning to French friend): Wow. And I thought my English sucked.

–Terminal One, JFK

Overheard by: James

Embarrassed teenage son: Mom, cross your legs.
Obese mother: They are crossed.
Embarrassed teenage son: No, they're not. Cross them more.
Obese mother: If I cross my legs any more I'll get a blood clot.

–G Train

Guy on cell: But baby, it's a full body workout, depending on the position.

–Pratt Campus

Jogger on phone: I gotta stay in shape, you know? I'm not getting any younger. Even though the guys I graduated with look worse than I do.

–Marine Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: wantsoutof_bklyn

Older lady to young male athletic facility employee: Do you have big balls? Exercise balls? I want bigger balls than you have there.

–NYU Palladium Athletic Facility, 140 E 14th St

Overheard by: JohnB

Large smoking man with burrito and Margarita: I can never work out, I'm too drunk all the time!

–Blockheads

Overheard by: how do you live?

Sassy black lady: Daaaamn! You're making me walk all the way to 45th Street?

–42nd St

Large Latina on cell: So I grabbed the baby and said "Kali! She likes this!" and started doing squats.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Russel

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.

–3rd Ave & 40th

Overheard by: Liz

Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.

–Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: I was starving and bought less

14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

–18th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Will

Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!

–49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: agree to agree

20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.

–Canal & Mott

Chunky lady to skinny friend who ordered a Diet Coke: Bitch, I will slap the shit out of you with this pizza…I'll eat it, too. I don't even care.

–14th St b/w 3rd & 4th Ave

Wasted guy, placing order: A slice of pizza on the rocks.

–1st Ave & 20th St

Overweight Paris Hilton wannabe, loudly on cell: No, the food wasn't like, out of this world, like what I'm used to. No…not really. I'd say more like a touch of Greece–with maybe Turkish or Egyptian. I mean, it's almost impossible to find a good slice of pizza in the city nowadays.

–Crowded LIRR Train

Overheard by: CV

little girl to parents: I like mine with salt, pepper and bone.

–La Rocca's Pizzaria, Staten Island

Overheard by: Dawn D.

Female suit to friends: Oh no, I can't. I save my pizza binge-eating for when I'm drunk.

–Ave of the Americas

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Tourist: Oooh, there's a really good pizza place down here somewhere, Sbarro.

–Basement, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: pop pop

Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!

–Park Slope

Angry Spanish boyfriend: You know why I'm talking to you like this! Because your boss was sitting there and you probably had no damn clothes on!

–Broad Channel Subway Station

Girl to friend: Yeah, I can't wait until we take off our clothes and do our make up!

–116th & 3rd

(20-something couple is walking down the street with arms around each other)
Woman: So were you self-conscious when you took off your clothes in front of the children?

–28th & 5th

White guy answering cell: Negrooooo… I'm on the Long Island Railroad being completely homosexual… You missed it, completely naked…

–LIRR

Overheard by: Xavier

Five-year-old girl, before performance begins: Are they going to take *all* their clothes off?

Hair, Delacorte Theater

Girl to friend: God! I remember when my brother ran into my room naked screaming that he had two buttholes.

–Subway, 14th & 1st

Overweight middle age white guy to friend: I know, I get it, you like to sit naked in the mud while some guy serenades you on his guitar singing about things I don't believe and can't understand. That's your thing. I prefer hockey.

–89th & 4th, Brooklyn