Watch Wednesday One-Liners' Noses Grow!

Chubby Midwestern woman on cell: Yeah, I'm at Saks Fifth Avenue right now.

–Burger King

Overheard by: willy cheesesteak

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm heading west on 23rd.

–1st Ave

Overheard by: Angela

Suit on cell, pacing around fountain: Yeah, baby I'm so sick, I could barely get out of bed this morning, I dragged myself to the kitchen. Didn't go to work or anything. Yeah, I think I'm just going to try to sleep it off, tonight. Guess dinner's off, sorry.

–Central Park Fountain

Overheard by: Knows Suits on cells are always lying

Man on cell, entering subway station: Yeah, I'm going to my limousine now, I'll talk to you later.

–Subway, 66th & Broadway

Dude in hoodie on cell, exiting subway: No, baby, I can't–I'm in Manhattan. No, I'm in Manhattan!

–86th St & 4th Ave, Bay Ridge

Man in jeans purchasing Doritos, on cell: Dude, I can't talk right now, I'm running in the marathon. Call you back in a few hours?

–Duane Reade, 87th & York

Overheard by: Upper East Sider

Posted on April 14, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Central Park, Duane Reade, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Lies, Men, Midwesterners, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Sports, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

A Wednesday One-Liner to Remember

Midwestern mother to ticket vendor: Thank goodness for the bus, we've been in the hotel for four days because we can't walk anymore!

–50th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Kate

Ditz, singing and marching: It's a sidewalk, so I have to walk on it!

–St. Mark's & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Sarcastic, portly girl: Great, my two favorite things: walking and learning.

–Governor's Island Ferry

Crazy man in the middle of the street blocking traffic: Car are outlawed! Walk everywhere! I walked to China last week! I walked to Paris yesterday!

–18th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maria

Tough guy to another: I'm a little afraid to walk around with you 'cause it seems everyone you work with dies.

–PJ Clarke's

Posted on March 31, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Death, Education, Fears, Ferry, Girls, God, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Midwesterners, Moms, One-liners, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Singing, Street, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

I'm Pretty Sure It Was the Mustache

20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: Yeah, I was told by one of my drama teachers once, way back in school, that I had the “passion and commitment to theater” that Hitler had.
(five-second pause)
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #2: Wow!
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: No, it wasn't a compliment, she didn't like me very much.

–Chinese Restaurant, Astoria

Posted on October 26, 2009
Actors, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Hitler/Nazis, Midwesterners, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Stupidity, Theater & Dance, Weirdness

Long Island Expressway: Nobody Gets Me

Midwestern tourist to New York businesswoman: Is this where I can get the Long Island expressway?
Businesswoman, exasperated: Are you *fucking* kidding me?

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: Kiki

Posted on August 17, 2009
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Directions, Grand Central, Insults, Midwesterners, Only in New York, Public Transportation, Questions, Suits, Tourism, Train Station

No Wednesday One-Liner in the Champagne Room

Loud woman on cell: And then he had the nerve to ask me if it was cause he's black! I was like, "it's not cause you're black, it's cause you slept with that stripper!"

–Starbucks

Midwestern grandmother, seeing granddaughter play on subway: She's working on her pole dancing, just like her mother.

–E Train

Young Asian guy, telling stripper what he does for a living: Do you even know what a hedge fund is?

–Strip Club, Queens

Thug to girlfriend, pointing at totem pole in museum: You know what those be? Fancy stripper poles! (makes techno music noise with his mouth)

–Museum of Natural History

Blonde chick on cell: Oh my god, Mike, just fuck her and get over yourself, I really don't care! (hangs up, to friend) I don't understand why my boyfriend keeps calling me asking me if it would break my heart if he slept with the stripper we met at the bar on Saturday.

–NYU

Overheard by: i wish i had me a girl like that

Serious, tired, cute guy on cell: So you remember the stripper that has been hassling me? Well, I went out with her and her girlfriend on Tuesday, and stuff got out of hand… really out of hand–like Budapest out of hand! (pause) I don't know, but I woke up in fucking New York City!

–Penn Station

Posted on August 5, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Bars & Clubs, Biotechs, Compare/Contrast, Dancing, Dating, Families, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Infidelity, Kids, Midwesterners, Money & Class, Museum of Natural History, NYU, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Penn Station, Promiscuity, Queens, Questions, Race, Relationships, Sex, Starbucks, Strippers, Stupidity, Thugs, Visual Art, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

When You Unwittingly Help a Tourist, We All Lose Out

Chubby Mideastern white tourist: Hey! Is this Houston Street?
Thug: I've had enough of you tourists! One more of this Hooostin Street shit and I'mma bust a cap in yo Midwestern fat asses!
Husband of Mideastern white tourist: I'm guessing it is.

–Houston Street

Posted on May 5, 2009
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Ass, Couples, Directions, Insults, Midwesterners, Only in New York, Questions, Street, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, White People

Not the First Tourists to Spend an Entire Vacation at LaGuardia

Midwestern lady #1: See those trees over there?
Midwestern lady #2: Oh yes!
Midwestern lady #1: Do you think that's Central Park?
Midwestern lady #2 (getting excited): Oh, yes I do! It looks just like the pictures in the guidebook!
(Midwestern ladies proceed to get out their cameras and take pictures)

–Runway, LaGuardia Airport

Posted on February 5, 2009
LaGuardia Airport, Midwesterners, NYC Geography, Pictures, Stupidity, Tourism, Trees and plants

We'll Be Like, “That Was Sad. What's for Dinner?”

Midwestern tourist dad: Next we're going to the Empire State Building.
Six-year-old daughter: How far is it? Do we have to walk?
Midwestern tourist dad: Yes, it'll be fun.
Six-year-old daughter (in super whiny voice): Why? It's too far, I don't wanna walk!
Midwestern tourist dad: It'll be fun, we'll see the sights along the way.
Six-year-old daughter (on the verge of a tantrum): But I don't wanna!
Midwestern tourist dad (in very calm and soothing voice): Well, you can walk with us, or you can just lay down and die.

–5th Ave & 38th St

Posted on October 24, 2008
Comebacks, Dads, Death, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Midwesterners, Questions, Should've Used a Condom, Tourism, Wishes & desires

Hey, Bra, Check Out These Sweet Wednesday One-Liners

Frat boy: That is the last time I am *ever* jacking off to gay porn.

–Gristedes, 42nd St

Overheard by: …while sober or drunk?

Frat boy to another frat boy staring intently at a young woman dressed as a Hogwarts student: I am really drunk!

–14th St & University Place

Midwest frat dude: The ugliest girls in New York City are like the hottest girls I've ever seen!

–St.Marks & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: slohmie

Frat boy: Dude, I'm not hating -I love gay guys. All I'm saying is -they buy a lot of Kosher wine.

–23rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Dina

Frat boy: We've had sex everywhere… In cars, in public places…I've seen her vagina more times than I've seen my mother's!

–Wagner College

Posted on August 6, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Family Ties, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Grocery Stores, Judaism, Masturbation, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Midwesterners, Porn, Sexuality, Staten Island, The Village, Vagina, Weirdness

Eminem’s Also from Michigan, So You Do the Math

Guy from Michigan: That stripper robbed me.
Cop: How so?
Guy from Michigan: She said if I gave her $150 she would jerk me off. I payed her the $150 and she didn’t do it. I want her arrested.
Cop: Is everyone from Michigan an asshole or just you?

–Show World

Posted on July 20, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Default, Guys, Insults, Midwesterners, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Prostitution, Questions, Strippers, U.S. Geography

Midwesterners