Please Silence Your Phone During the Wednesday One-Liners

Preppy girl: I really loved that movie. I thought it was titillating… And not just because there was cock and balls. I don’t care about that.

–Third Avenue

Guy to self: Brokeback mountain… Starring Hillary Clinton!

–Herald Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Worst Movie Ever

Doofette: I mean like I know it got the Oscar and all, but I thought "No Country for Old Men" was pretty boring. I have to admit though the choreography was amazing.

–SoHo

Thug, peddling pile of DVDs: Ghetto Blockbuster! I am your ghetto Blockbuster! I got movies, CDs, porno. [Another group of customers walks in.] I got that action, comedy, romance and I got that pussy! I am your friendly neighborhood ghetto Blockbuster.

–24 Hour McDonalds, Water & Moore

Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed

Creepy hipster: You’d think you can’t have sex to "Silence of the Lambs"…

–Huron St, Greenpoint

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Dude on cell: If you like murder, you’re gonna love this movie!

–48 Bus

Posted on September 21, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Creepsters, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Penis, Politics, Preppies, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Thugs, Vendors & Street Performers

Can't We Just Give Lots Of Beer to the Israelis and Palestinians?

Guido on phone: C'mon! Me and Shannon want someone to drink with tonight!
Girl with heavy black eyeliner: Yeah! I love alcohol!
(they high five)

–A&W, Staten Island

Overheard by: Brandi, Anna and Kim

Posted on September 19, 2014
Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Guidos, Offers and requests, On Cell, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Mean It Like That

NYU nerdy chick on cell: The oral is going to be super hard. …But I think I’ll be good at it.

–NYU

Overheard by: kat

Clerk, to female co-worker: I keep my meat to the side.

–Walgreens, Atlantic Ave

Girl: Bite and suck, bite and suck, bite and suck!

–Szechuan Restaurant

Overheard by: tallierand

Female customer to employee: …the gum that has the things in it. She likes to chew on the ones with the blue balls.

–Duane Reade, Fresh Meadows

Overheard by: evan FM

College sophomore: … So yeah, I said "Mom, stop rotating my pickle!"

–USA #1 Deli, La Salle & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Father to younger son: So you like second base right?

–Douglaston Market, Queens

Overheard by: Noelle

Posted on September 13, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Clerks, Coworkers, Customers, Dads, Delis, Duane Reade, Education, Family Ties, Food, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Innuendo, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words, Yeaaahhh College!

Wednesday One-Linezillas

Teenage bride-to-be on cell: …yeah. But, no, I’m totally ready to walk across the aisle.

–Target, South Bronx

Overheard by: so this is the bronx

Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?

–42nd St & Madison

Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I’ll show you! You don’t have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!

–Washington Square Park

Old woman to imaginary friend: I’d make a great wife, mothafucka!

–F train

Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh

Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?

–Monitor St, Brooklyn

Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn’t sleep with your bridesmaids.

–82nd & Lex

Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?

–Upper West Side

Posted on September 13, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Hook Ups, Infidelity, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Store, Suits, Teens, The Bronx, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-liners Get Paid for It

Girl on cell: No, I am a dirty whore, but I’m a law student; I’m a smart dirty whore.

–51st & 2nd

Posted on September 12, 2014
Hootchies, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, Students, Turtle Bay

What Would Anti-Semites Do without Wednesday One-Liners?

Modern orthodox girl: … And I was like, ‘Why should I be considerate? He doesn’t even keep kosher!’

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Considerate of non-shellfish eaters and shellfish eaters alike

Guy on cell: Well, I’m only Jewish by injection…

–82nd & Madison

Overheard by: I’m only Catholic because I took a pill…

Woman: I think I’m just too Jewish for yoga.

–Park Slope

20-ish girl on cell: I mean, Jesus Christ! The Jews in the RV just won’t leave me alone!

–St. Mark’s & Ave B

Overheard by: Also accosted by the mitzvah tank

Man on cell: How did I pull off that deal? I’m a Jew, and that means I have powers over money that a dumb goyim like you can only dream of. It’s like Jewish superhero powers. Just call me ‘Super Jew.’

–Near Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Lesbian Whisperer

Little boy: Uhhh, half New Yorkish and, uhhh, half Jewish — is that what I am, Mom? Half New Yorkish and half Jewish?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rosie

Posted on September 11, 2014
Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Family Ties, Girls, God Squad, Gripes, Guys, Judaism, Kids, Madison Square Garden, On Cell, Park Slope, Questions, Rockefeller Center, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Women, Words

The High Times Of Wednesday One-Liners

Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.

–Borough Hall, Brooklyn

Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!

–Astor Place

Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!

–Times Square

Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking…you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening…seriously.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..

30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brainy

Posted on September 8, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Family Ties, Free stuff!, Friends, Girls, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Smoking, Street, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wday 1 Lnrz — U Like?

Girl on cell: Sorry I texted you when you were giving birth.

–27th St & Park Ave

20-something girl: I kept saying, "I emailed a text to him!"

–Pub, 59th & 3rd

Overheard by: Bluetoothed them a postcard

20-something girl correcting her friend's text message: No, you don't need an apostrophe there. It's "hos," plural, not "of or pertaining to a ho."

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Lauren

Guy with suitcase on cell: I sent him a text asking if I could stay at his place, and he said sure. I find out today he was being sarcastic.

–116th & Broadway

Student: Okay, it's 3:20. I think it's an appropriate time to text Ben and tell him I had a sex dream about him.

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: Anna

Posted on September 6, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Bars & Clubs, Bus, Cell Phone, College, Columbia University, Computer, Dreams, Friends, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Internet, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Students, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Words

Wednesday One-liners Lost Their MetroCard

Hipster guy: Dude, he always blames it on the train dispatcher. He needs to own his problems, you know?

–F train

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Posted on September 5, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Anger Management, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Hipsters, History & Geography, Hobos, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, NYC Geography, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Puerto Ricans, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Travel

Wednesday One-Liners Have More Stomachs Than a Cow

Teen boy: I like touching fat people.

–69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys’ chins and I realized, I’m just not a nice person.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: CUMT

Large black woman on cell: Of course I’m loud, I’m fat!

–25th & 8th

Overheard by: Beckerman

Chick to guy: I’m thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.

–34th & 5th

Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can’t hit the button as fast as I can!

–35rd St & 5th Ave

Female house manager: He comes over and he’s like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You’re fat."

–Theater, St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on September 4, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Boys, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Education, Friends, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Teens, Theater, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

On Cell