C'mon a My Wednesday One-Liner!

Man on phone: Come down the road and I'm the first house that you do not see.

–Office Building, W 46th St

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Black woman on cell: Don't fuck in ma house!

–Union Square Station

10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, my mom says I can fuck a girl in her house, as long as she ain't a skanky-ass ho.

–105th & Broadway

Overheard by: Andy

Girl to friend: We can't hang out at my house. I don't know anyone there anymore.

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy cycling past very fast, to cycling companion: So he bought a whole house just to store pot?

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: peeper

City cop to two homeless guys: If your house is worth like $200,000, you can probably only get a equity loan for like $100,000. (homeless guys nod their heads in agreement)

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: E

Posted on April 4, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Cops, Directions, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Home, Sweet Home, Homeless, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Office, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Promiscuity, Sex, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

At Least It’s Not One of Those Bowls with Decorative Balls in It

Guy #1: My relationship isn’t working out.
Guy #2: What’s wrong, dude?
Guy #1: Well, I woke up today and realized there was a vase sitting on the mantle.
Guy #2: What the hell does that have to do with it?
Guy #1: It has no purpose! It just sits there!
Guy #2: Um… I think that’s what vases usually do.
Guy #1: Exactly! That’s why I didn’t have any. They don’t do anything. They’re useless. There’s absolutely no reason to have one, and now all of a sudden, I do. [Desperately] What has happened to me?!

–Downtown bus stop

Posted on April 3, 2015
Friends, Paranoia, Philosophy, Relationships, Street

Wham, Bam, Thank You Ma'am One-Liners

Older gentleman on phone: I was just calling to ask if you wanted to make love to my nice, long, Lebanese penis again tonight. (pause) Yes, yes, 10 works for me.

–45th & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Morgan

Mother, hissing to girl dancing exuberantly: You stop that! Stop it! Boys will try to sex you! Stop!

–6 Train Station

Girl on cell, yelling: He got soft inside me! That's, like, the worst insult ever!

–23rd & 9th

Girl on cell: Come over to the 7-Eleven anytime. I will fuck you!

–Washington Square West

Overheard by: David Fishkind

Brunching woman to friends: We lived in Buffalo! We could have had sex on the sidewalk, but it was four years before we were engaged!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alexandra

Posted on April 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dancing, Erections, Friends, Girls, Height, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Sex, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Time, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Do I Hear the Pitter Patter Of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners?

Sassy lady on cell: I tell you, he got the wrong bitch pregnant!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Stunned!

Girl: Ugh, pregnancy would be like, so much worse than gonorrhea.

–John Jay Dining Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: jane

AT&T employee: Yeah, when I had my daughter I actually didn't have to stay overnight in the hospital. See, usually, after you have the baby, you have to pass the placenta. The doctor actually reached up inside me and just pulled it out, just like that. He told me I was fine to go home after that, so I did.

–AT&T Store, Union Square

20-something on cell: But I refused to go down on him…I told him I'm not ready to have a baby. (pause) Of course you can get pregnant by swallowing! Hello? Did you not take sex-ed in high school?

–61st St & Lexington Ave

Woman on cell: It's such a small opening, and it gets torn apart when you have a kid!

–42nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Weekender

20-something on cell: But I'm tired of always being pregnant.

–East Village

Overheard by: also tired

Posted on March 29, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Girls, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, School and studying, Sex, STDs, Store, Street, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

How Copy Editors Blow Off Steam

Metrosexual guy: If I was some fish…
Girl, not looking up from her bus schedule: Grammar just cried.
Metrosexual guy: I don’t follow you.
Girl: Good, because if you did, I would have to have you arrested.
Metrosexual guy: I am so confused.
Girl: Do the words ‘you are an idiot’ confuse you?
Metrosexual guy: I hate you.

–28th & 5th

Posted on March 27, 2015
Comebacks, Default, Education, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Insults, Metrosexuals, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Street, Stupidity, Violence, Words

Raise Your Hand If You've Had This Same Fight

Angry 20-something woman: The main problem is that our whole relationship is just about your dick.
30-something man, carrying loads of shopping bags: Well, it's about your pussy too.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: itgoesandgoes

Posted on March 27, 2015
Men, Penis, Relationships, Street, Vagina, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Suffer the Heartache of Gringo Hips

Four-year-old girl to nanny: No, princesses don't get tickled. They just dance and get married.

–North Williamsburg

Overheard by: anti-feminist

White girl in hoodie: If I see any of the other girls there want to dance with you they'd better watch out, 'cause it's stab-a-slut Sunday.

–J Train

Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, "wanna dance?" and I was like "okay," so she started dancing mad good. She was grinding up against me with her ass.

–3rd Ave & 71st, Brooklyn

Gay guy on cell in long line during Circuit City closeout: Does it have speakers? Because I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the music. It's really cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?

–Circuit City, Union Square

Drunk girl to Guido she knocked heads with while dancing: I'm a drinker, not a dancer!

–Hook & Ladder Pub, Murray Hill

Overheard by: also a drinker

Professor: I'm of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly's "Hot in Here." We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don't lie.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on March 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Arts & Letters, Ass, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Clothing, Dancing, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Guidos, Guys, Kids, Library, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Nicknames & name calling, Nudity, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, Stab, Store, Street, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires

If Anything, Lassie is a Trannie

A big crazy man walking his dog says: So whadda ya wanna do? You wanna watch Lassie? Or how ’bout Rin Tin Tin? Or whadda ’bout da Little Rascals?…Hmm…OK…Yeah, you’re right, let’s not watch dat. Lassie is a fucking lesbian and Rin Tin Tin is a fag.

–Sullivan Street

Overheard by: Brock

Posted on March 21, 2015
Animals & Nature, Crazies, Gays and Lesbians, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Soho, Street, Stupidity

Cuba Gooding Jr: “Show Me the Wednesday One-Liner!”

CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!

–Q Train

Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!

–85th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jesse D

Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Greg

Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: DRC

Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.

–Pratt Institute

Posted on March 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, Central Park, Clerks, College, Girls, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Office politics, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Public Transportation, Singing, Street, Students, Stupidity, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

‘I’ Before ‘E’, Except After ‘C’, or in Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s weird, it feels like I’m still alive.

–W 8th & Broadway

Guy: I still think surprise necrophilia is weird.

–Robert Louis Stevenson School

Overheard by: Lucas

Man to woman companion: I hate single people. They’re all weird.

–90th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Man on cell: February is a weird month for Jews.

–9th St. and 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Trader Joe’s employee to another: No, I would not call her weird. It takes a lot for me to call somebody else weird because I am not the most normal person on the planet myself. Meow!

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Overheard by: Ingwall

Observant girl: Just because you get weird haircuts doesn’t mean you’re smart.

–Bowery & Rivington

Posted on March 12, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Hair, Insults, Judaism, Lower East Side, Men, On Cell, Relationships, Sensory Experiences, Street, The Village, Time, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women