Some Half-Baked Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: I have to get home so I can put away the b-o-n-g.

–19th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyle

Man in light green suit with orange-red gators: Read the bible tonight. Don't smoke that Scooby Doobie Doo. Don't get high tonight!

–125th & Lenox

Overheard by: Plausible

Young hipster: So I said, "Mom, did you smoke with me?"

–Central Park Reservoir

Angry girlfriend to boyfriend: Okay, so you don't want me smoking pot, you don't want me smoking cigarettes or cloves, you don't want me chewing gum and now you don't like lollipops? So tell me, Peter, what can I put in my mouth that's okay with you?

–L Train

Overheard by: It's me, bitches.

Teacher: Steve*, I need to talk to your pot dealer, because the stuff you're smoking is really good.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: me too

Guy talking on blue tooth: I should be there in about 45 minutes. (pause) Yeah, I'm serious! (pause) Look. I got an idea for ya. Why don't you go roll a big fat blunt, smoke it until you can't see anymore and then I'll be there. Alright? Bye.

–8th Ave & 27th St

Overheard by: Erica Friedman

Girl: I mean honestly, who at NYU doesn't smell like weed?

–Washington Square Park

Posted on May 12, 2023
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Christianity, College, Family Ties, Food, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Home, Sweet Home, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Smoking, Street, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Time, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

It’s Like Iraq: the Curds Get in the Whey

Girl: … And then she put it in front of me, and I was like, ‘Hello! I hate cottage cheese!’
Queer friend: Oh my god. Cottage cheese is albino diarrhea!

–90th & Broadway

Posted on April 5, 2023
Default, Food, Friends, Girls, Offers and requests, Queers, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Wednesday One-Liners for Vanessa Hudgens

Girl on phone: Well then, riddle me this, smart guy: why'd I wake up naked?

–Smith & Sackett, Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Swimfan

Girl: Oh my god! I can't wait to see them naked!

–Elevator, Times Square Arts Center

Overheard by: Natalie

Museum worker: And then I woke up buck naked in a hotel, and there were pictures of me all over the room.

–Museum of Art and Design

Guy: No, I will not do it in here again. Just because I'm wearing nothing under my jacket, doesn't mean I'm going to flash a crowd of people in every store we enter. I've done it three times already. Get your rocks off some other way.

–Columbus Circle Mall Escalator

Overheard by: Martin

Drunk girl at NYU protest: I don't even know why I'm here, I just want to take off my clothes!

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: Lilo

Girl on train: Oh, hi! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

–A Train

Overheard by: Don't even wanna know

Girl on cell: So I'm gonna be naked, but that's okay, I'll be wearing rollerblades.

–N 4th & Bedford Ave

Posted on March 1, 2023
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Clothing, Drunks, Elevators, Girls, Guys, Malls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, More museums, Nudity, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Pictures, Questions, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners, Plus Puerto Rico

Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!"

–G Train

Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame

Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.

–Tram to Roosevelt Island

Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!

–38th & 2nd Ave

Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.

–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.

Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.

–43rd St between Madison & 5th

Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ’em! I love California.

–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch

Overheard by: Jason

Posted on February 23, 2023
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Customers, Drag queens, Food, Girls, Gripes, Holidays, Kids, Library, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Music, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Race, Religion, Store, Street, Students, Suits, The Village, U.S. Geography, Words, Yeaaahhh College!

Wednesday One-Liners Say “Toro, Toro, Taxi!”

Little girl to father, about pedestrian sign: But I don't want to be a pedestrian! I want to be famous!

–17th & Irving

(pedestrians are crossing when they aren't supposed to. One almost gets hit by a taxi)
Female traffic cop to taxi driver: Next time, just go ahead and run them over.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: momes

Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain't afraid of no car!

–Jerry Orbach St

Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I'ma getting hit by a car, I'ma getting hit by a nice car.

–Broadway & Houston

Tourist driving car: I don't give a fuck if you own the world! I'm running your ass over!

–Financial District

Overheard by: lex

Posted on January 27, 2023
About Celebrities, Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Cops, Dads, Fears, Gangstas, Hobos, Insults, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Soho, Strangers, Street, Tourists, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train

Posted on January 17, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, City College, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Education, Elevators, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Latinos, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Smoking, Stab, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suicide, Teens, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Waitresses, Weirdness

The Country Finally Gets the Wednesday One-Liner It Deserves

20-something guy to five-year-old boy: No, Wolverine and Barack Obama are not the same person.

–Hudson Park Soccer Pitch

Overheard by: Kelli Jo

Swag guy: Get your Obama condoms, put it on when times get hard.

–7th Ave & 47th St

Overheard by: Oh no he didn't….

Hobo on train: Look at these two girls! If we get married we can make another Obama!

–4 Train

Cute boy: Captain Kirk is the Bush to Picard's Obama.

–Kent Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trekkie

Diner to companion: Since Obama's been President, North Korea has fired like two missiles. They're testing his foreign policy, uh, you know, they're testing his gallstones.

–Teddy's Restaurant, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ken Yapelli

Sock street vendor to passersby: Socks! One dollar, one dollar! One dollar!
(nobody pays attention) Socks! One dollar! Obama! One dollar! Obama! (a few pedestrians stop to browse through his socks)

–New Chinatown, Flushing, Queens

Posted on January 2, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Friends, Guys, Hobos, Illness, Kids, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Movies, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, President, Queens, Race, Shopping, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, Vendors & Street Performers, War, Wednesday One-Liners

Janet Reno Day One-Liners

Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don't like you! Don't you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!

–176th & Broadway

Overheard by: emily d.

Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!

–Midtown Bar

Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?

–Broadway & 13th St

Posted on December 14, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Body Parts, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Delis, Foreigners, Girls, Gripes, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Questions, Street, The Village, Thugs, Tourism, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners

I’m Thankful I’m Alive

An unofficial memorial is covered with flowers, candles, cards and candy.

Drunk girl #1: Hey, who wants a Blow Pop?
Drunk guy: Um…I dunno.
Drunk girl #2: Don’t. It’s bad luck to take candy from the dead.
Drunk girl #1: …Yeah, I guess you’re right.

–3rd between A & B

Overheard by: The Vouk

Girl: Don’t die while I’m gone, okay?
Guy: Why not?

–66th & Columbus

Posted on November 12, 2022
Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Food, Junk Food & Fast Food, Lower East Side, Manhattan, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Smell Like Victory

One Hispanic lady to another: How you gonna give a kid with stinky feet Botox?

–R Train

Overheard by: Ferna

Smelly granola girl on cell: I dunno, maybe Wilco is too big to have an opening act. The show was, like, two days ago. (stops, sniffs armpit and winces) Fuck, I need a serious shower. I haven't been home since the show. Doesn't that suck? When you forget to clean up after a few days? (laughs to herself)

–McCarren Park

Overheard by: AleKatz

Woman on cell: It smells like college!

–BrewFest, South Street Seaport

Office student: It literally smells like my ass.

–CCNY Computer Lab

Girl: Nigga, you smell like the crack in my titties.

–Q Train

Dude on cell: Man, she came six times last night. It was crazy! (pause) We were soaking wet, but I didn't mind. It was nice to see her enjoying it. (pause) No, it didn't smell. It didn't smell like anything.

–Union Square

Overheard by: who are these people?

Posted on November 11, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Botox, Brooklyn, City College, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Girls, Guys, Insults, Latinos, Laughter, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgasm, Parks, Questions, Rack, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Street, Students, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women