Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don’t drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink ’til you go blind. Have a nice evening.

–Metro North, Grand Central

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh… Franklin… naw, that’s not it. Well, let’s go.

–Brooklyn bound R train

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman’s booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?

–7 train

Overheard by: Margarita

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–4 train, Wall St

Overheard by: Pandora

Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors… Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late… gonna make us all late!

–Queens bound R train

Overheard by: Jay Kay

Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you’re not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.

–Uptown 4 train

Overheard by: Helena the Great

Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!

–Downtown E train

Overheard by: tyler ann