Some Wednesday One-Liners to Make You Lose Your Appetite

Guy on cell: It's not like I take my ear wax, put it on my penis, and use it as lube.

–Queens

Overheard by: Jess

Friends on stoop: Bro, did you see that ass? I would lick the fart out that ass!

–19th & 6th

Middle-aged yuppie, about club in Las Vegas: And I said "here's our check, and if another pubic hair falls in our drink, you're in trouble!"

–Times Square

Overheard by: Scott

Boy in car to mom: Hey mom, what about anal leakage?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Brenna

Guy to friend: She said she was stressed out studying for finals, I didn't realize that meant she hadn't been showering. As soon as I got there we started "hitting it". It was too late when I realized how dirty she was. Dude, I literally licked a layer of crust off her.

–3rd St b/w Ave A & B

Overheard by: saffrosun

Posted on January 13, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Ass, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Excretions, Farting & Burping, Friends, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Licking, Lube, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Queens, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Yuppies

Wednesday One-Liners: a Space Odyssey

30-something suit on cell: We live in an infinite universe. That means there are infinite possibilities. You are insignificant compared to the size of the universe. You mean absolutely fuck-all nothing, so get off your high horse and do what you're told.

–40th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Megan

Guy on cell: Dude, so how much more time do you have in Russia before you go into space?

–Ave A & 8th St

Overheard by: Daniella

Guy on cell: The subways are like the planets. Generally they're in their orbit, but you never know. (pause) Really? C'mon, Mars!

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: furf

Three-year-old boy to adult family friend: I love you to outter space! Outter space goes upupupupup!

–West Village

Crazy man straddling bike: Goddamn! I can't believe I missed the last rocket ship to the moon! (in high-pitch voice) It's okay, man! There's another one in five minutes!
(back in normal voice) Okay, man, that's cool. Roger that.

–1st Ave & 1 St

Sales associate: They worked with NASA scientists. This is what the moon actually smells like.

–Home Fragrance Department, Bergdorf Goodman

Overheard by: Heather H.

Posted on January 13, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Animals & Nature, Astronomy, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Friends, Guys, Height, Kids, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Philosophy, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Suits, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

They Smell Like Victory Over Death

Girl #1: Did you know, for my abortion… Well, my first one, anyway… I went by myself to the clinic and took a cab home? If I ever get knocked up again, will you come to the hospital with me?
Girl #2, without a hint of irony: I love hospitals.
Girl #3, deadpan: It's true. She really does love hospitals.

–Lafayette & Spring

Overheard by: Rori

Posted on January 11, 2010
Abortion, Girls, Offers and requests, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Soho, Weirdness

You Know They Love to Eat Tuna, Though

Girl #1: I was reading this article about sexual fantasies that are better if they stay fantasies.
Girl #2: Like mermen?
Girl #1: I think they meant, like, titty-fucking and threesomes, but sure.
Girl #2: But mermen… That's pretty complicated.

–60th & 3rd

Overheard by: …or that

Posted on January 10, 2010
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Kink, Rack, Three is Company, Upper East Side, Weirdness

Translation: She Loves Her Mushrooms.

Woman: So I brought Elizabeth to New York and she was obsessed with escalators!
Friend: What?
Woman: Yea, every store we went to she had to ride the escalator! She got mad at me if she saw one that I didn't take her on. I had all this stuff planned for her: shopping, a bus tour, a Broadway musical… she just wanted to ride escalators!
Friend: That's hilarious. How old is she?
Woman: Eighteen.

–FIlene's Basement Escalators, Union Square

Overheard by: K Melv

Posted on January 7, 2010
Age/Aging, Anger Management, Friends, Shopping, Store, Tourism, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

It's Right Up There with “Who Shot JFK?”

Metro-north conductor: This train has five cars open.
Drunk teenage girl: Your mom has five cars open! Your mom's fellatio lips are open too!
(trio sits in row in front of girl and friend)
Drunk girl: I hate you, don't sit here. We're all going to throw up on you. Why are you still here? No one likes you.
Girl's friend: Why are you so drunk?
Drunk girl: That's something we'll never know.

–Metro-North

Posted on January 7, 2010
Comebacks, Conductors, Drunks, Friends, Gripes, Parents, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Weirdness

Wednesday Will Punch You Right in the One-Liners

Man: I got beat up a lot in high school. It made me a better person.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Incredibly Amused

Little boy: You best lay the smackdown on that hoe!

–Times Square

Student: I don't get why everyone is making such a big deal about Chris Brown hitting Rihanna, it's not like he's the first man to ever hit a girl. Get over it, world!

–Manhattan College, Riverdale, The Bronx

Overheard by: Stephen

Girl on cell outside beauty salon: If I didn't have things to do tonight, I would totally just slap the crap out of that girl. Seriously.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: maybe tomorrow, then?

Woman on cell: I went through this with my daughter this morning. (pause) Yeah, okay, you can hit me, but you can't hit anybody else.

–Cookshop Restaurant

Posted on January 6, 2010
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, College, Education, Family Ties, Gender issues, Girls, Kids, Men, Music, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Students, Stupidity, The Bronx, Threats, Times Square, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Every One-Liner Has His Wednesday

Girl to friend: If it weren't for my sister's dog, I wouldn't have to drink during the day.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Kevin

Gay dude to another: It's so amazing how dogs get all up in there. Like, what if people had to introduce themselves that way? How great would it be if when I met you I had to sniff your ass?

–17th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: BT

Girl on cell: So wait, did Dr Siegel really charge you 150 dollars to chop a pimple off the dog's booty?

–Hart & Irving, Brooklyn

Girl to guy: Ever spend a lot of time with a Shih Tzu?

–MacDougal & 3rd St

Female voice outside my window: And I'm keeping the dog leg–I don't even care what you have to say!

–113th St b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on January 6, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia University, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Man's Best Friend, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Queer guys, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Stupidity, The Village, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Smokey Says, “Only You Can Prevent Wednesday One-Liners!”

Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"

–Chinatown

African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.

–Midtown

Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Tim

Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Where there's smoke

Posted on January 6, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chinatown, Colors, Conductors, Ethnic Food, Fire, Friends, Gadgets, Guys, Hard Drugs, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, One-liners, Passengers, Penis, Poop, Public Transportation, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners, Approximately

Woman: Well, I still remember that 5,820 feet is a mile, 36 feet is a yard…

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: People are wrong.

Girl, looking at guy: If I give you five dollars, will you grow a foot long?

–6 Train

Overheard by: Jeggy

5th-grader to table full of friends: Attention everyone. I have finally reached five feet!

–Cafeteria, Private School

Overheard by: Maddy

Guy on cell: Holy shit! Hello Kitty is taller than me!

–Times Square

Chubby 20-something guy, feeding chips to chubby 20-something girlfriend while making airplane and spaceship noises: The exhaust port is only two meters wide!

–1 Train

Posted on January 6, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Height, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, School, Science, Students, Stupidity, Times Square, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Weirdness