Wednesday One-Liners Smell Like Victory

One Hispanic lady to another: How you gonna give a kid with stinky feet Botox?

–R Train

Overheard by: Ferna

Smelly granola girl on cell: I dunno, maybe Wilco is too big to have an opening act. The show was, like, two days ago. (stops, sniffs armpit and winces) Fuck, I need a serious shower. I haven't been home since the show. Doesn't that suck? When you forget to clean up after a few days? (laughs to herself)

–McCarren Park

Overheard by: AleKatz

Woman on cell: It smells like college!

–BrewFest, South Street Seaport

Office student: It literally smells like my ass.

–CCNY Computer Lab

Girl: Nigga, you smell like the crack in my titties.

–Q Train

Dude on cell: Man, she came six times last night. It was crazy! (pause) We were soaking wet, but I didn't mind. It was nice to see her enjoying it. (pause) No, it didn't smell. It didn't smell like anything.

–Union Square

Overheard by: who are these people?

Posted on November 11, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Botox, Brooklyn, City College, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Girls, Guys, Insults, Latinos, Laughter, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgasm, Parks, Questions, Rack, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Street, Students, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Big Endowment

Girl: We can't become gay just to fit in at this school!

–NYU

Passer-by: I pay $40k a year for school, and that makes me better than you.

–NYU, Tisch

Overheard by: Dan Lurie

NYU girl at party: My parents are actually really into civil liberties.

–NYU Dorm

NYU chick to friend: I love coke! (passing white lady gives her a strange look) I meant the drink, not the drug, lady! Jeez, I'm a minority student at fucking NYU! You think I can afford a coke habit??

–8th & University

Overheard by: Melissa Perez

Gay NYU student, rolling around on the ground in student lounge: I am obsessed with the ground. I mean, who's going to judge me? There's like six million Asians here and none of them are gay.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Mother, pushing crying two-year-old in stroller: They're never going to accept you here if you keep screaming!

–NYU Admissions

Overheard by: Sam

Posted on November 3, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cocaine, Crying, Drinks, Education, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, NYU, One-liners, Queer guys, Questions, Race, School and studying, Should've Used a Condom, Strangers, Students, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Posted on October 21, 2022
Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Conductors, Diet/Weight, Drinks, Drunks, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Lies, Masturbation, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgasm, Pope, Porn, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Starbucks, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

To Be Fair, Billie Joe Armstrong Looks Like Someone Who'd Be Carrying a Machine Gun or a Bomb

Man with bottle of booze in paper bag: Is that a machine gun or a bomb?
Boy with guitar: No, I'm just carrying my guitar.

–Train to Penn Station

Overheard by: Marcy

Posted on October 20, 2022
Boys, Instruments, Men, Penn Station, Questions, Strangers, Trains Not Subway, Weapons, Weirdness

Wednesday Still Remember When You Could One-Liner in Bars

Young hipster guy to hobo: I hate to ask, but do you mind if I bum a cigarette from you?

–Prince St

Overheard by: Kristen W.

Flight attendant on PA: We’d like to remind you that this is a non-smoking service to London, but passengers are permitted to smoke outside the cabin at any point during the flight.

–British Airways Flight to Heathrow

Crazy man: Smoking leads directly to prostitution!

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: voluptuousgrl

Dude: I’ve been smoking since I came out of my mom’s cooch.

–Hop Scotch Cafe

Woman with raspy voice: Man, cigarettes are so expensive now. When I started smoking, it was only a $1.25 a pack. Unless I bought them off my mom, she only charged 75 cents a pack.

–4 Train, Union Square

Overheard by: Christine

Mom to seven-year-old son: Come on, let’s go out for a cigarette. (looks around nervously at other audience members) Well, not that you smoke.

–Intermission, Rent

Posted on October 18, 2022
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Crazies, Flight Attendants, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Men, Moms, Money & Class, On the Subway, Panhandling, Prostitution, Public Transportation, Smokers & Smoking, Smoking, Soho, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Dude, You'd Steal the One-Liners Off a Wednesday

One-armed cracked-out dude to equally cracked-out girlfriend: And he's lookin' at me like he ain't never seen nobody stealin' before!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Overheard by: matthias

Drunk man to random girl on street: I mean, I stole this girls' shoelaces, and then she got really mad at me…

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Comedy show peddler: Who wants to buy some stolen shit? (pause) Nah, just kidding, who wants to see a comedy show?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ali

Woman with pink hair to friend: Fuck that bitch, she still stole my clothes when I was in jail.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Renny

Man to woman, about his father: Yeah, he was so great, so smart… A drug addict. He was always there for me. Like, if I needed something, anything, he'd go steal it for me. That's what sticks with you, you know?

–1 Train

Overheard by: RDM

Posted on October 17, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Brooklyn, Clothing, Couples, Drugs, Drunks, Friends, Insults, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Prison, Shoes, Strangers, Street, Theater & Dance, Thievery, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

For Preppy Girls, Appearance Is the Only Reality

Preppy girl #1: I don't get it. She looks human.
Preppy girl #2: But she's not.
Preppy girl #1: But she looks human!
Preppy girl #2: But she's not!
Preppy girl #3: I get into your head and make you think I look human, but I'm not, really.
Preppy girl #1: Oh. So what do you guys want for lunch?

–Penn Station

Posted on October 14, 2022
Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Preppies, Questions, Weirdness

Weren't You Jamaican Yesterday?

Teenager: I don't know if I would wear a fur coat, ever.
Friend: I know I would, just as long as it wasn't raccoon…raccoons are just gross.
Hobo with heavy Russian accent: In mother Russia raccoon wear you!

–LIRR

Posted on October 11, 2022
Animals & Nature, Clothing, Friends, Hobos, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

God Bless the LIRR

30-something guy: Have you ever shot an AK-47?
40-something girl: Oh my god, yes!
30-something guy: How did it feel?
40-something girl: Pulling that trigger… It's amazing.
30-something guy: Getting punched in the face hurts. Have you ever gotten punched in the face?
40-something girl: Yes! When did you?
30-something guy: It was one of those “wrong place at the wrong time” situations… I was on the corner of this street and all of a sudden someone just came up and started punching me. It hurt really badly. Have you ever tried punching a bird?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Francesca

Posted on October 10, 2022
Birds, Girls, Guys, Punch, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Shoot, Trains Not Subway, Weapons, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Reach Maximum Occupancy

Professor: All the buildings in Florence are five stories high, because they were built before elevators, and that's how many stories you can walk up with groceries before you die.

–Fordham University

20-something tourist girl to family, about subway: It's like an elevator, but opposite.

–N Train

Bimbette: I, like, ran into them in the elevator and they, like, literally gang-banged me.

–Astoria

20-something woman: Do you think he ever found out I didn't fall down an elevator shaft?

–F Train

Posted on October 9, 2022
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Death, Families, Food, Fordham, Girls, History & Geography, On the Subway, Questions, Teachers/Professors, Three is Company, Tourists, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Weirdness