Wednesday One-Liners– Just Like Mom Used to Make!

Man to girlfriend: You know, I was never going to tell you this, but I really dislike your mother.

–M08 Bus

20-something girl on cell: Mmm-hmm. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry he's such a jerk. (pause) Mmm-hmm. (pause, suddenly very angrily) Well, ain't no man allowed to say your mom isn't special!

–207th St & Broadway

Slob college kid: Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-five-year-old ass, Rachel? No, wait, my mom's fifty-five… Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-yea-old ass?

–LIRR

Teen girl setting up voicemail on phone: Hey! This is Katy. If you're not my mother, please leave a message.

–Metro-North Rail

Nanny to little boy sticking head under her top: No, no sweetie. See, this is something I would have to tell mommy about.

–42nd St & Lexington

Overheard by: Carolyn

Posted on May 3, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Apologies, Ass, Bus, Couples, Family Ties, Frat Boys, Girlfriends, Girls, Gripes, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Better Not Make Her My Happy Place

Girl yuppie: Isn’t it crazy how rapidly presidents age over eight years?
Guy yuppie: Oh I know, all the stress.
Girl yuppie: If Hil wins president, she’s gonna be a hot mess.
Guy yuppie: She’ll look like Margaret Thatcher after three months!

–Metro North

Overheard by: Sromeo

Posted on April 29, 2015
Age/Aging, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Physical appearance, President, Questions, Trains Not Subway, Yuppies

Are You Bragging About That?

White girlfriend to Asian boyfriend intentionally blocking the door: What are you, 12 years old?
Asian boyfriend: Only from the waist down.

–76th & Columbus

Posted on April 28, 2015
Age/Aging, Asians, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Girlfriends, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, White People

What's a Nice Wednesday One-Liner Like You Doing in a Place Like This?

Guy to girl with afro crossing the street: Hey gorgeous! Gorgeous! Let me massage your kinky tips!

–8th Ave & W 4th

Comedy club promoter to hot girl: Hi, do you like comedy? (girl keeps walking) Okay, do you like skinny white guys then?

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Galina

Young boy reading aloud in halting monotone: I like that outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more?

–Borders, Kips Bay

Overheard by: Emily

Fat white guy in Mets jersey to hot blonde: Hello, my name is Tom and I'm horny. (blonde keeps walking)

–Lexington & 50th

Black man to female passerby: S'cuse me miss… Not to seem rude, but to be honest…for a white girl, you got a nice butt.

–5th Ave

Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this last weekend I went to a club…never again. I walked in, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. I saw a beautiful lady across the bar, went up to her and said, "Where have you been all my life?" She said back to me "I think for the first half of your life, I wasn't born." This is 59th, Columbus circle, have a good day, ladies and gentlemen.

–A Train

Posted on April 26, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Black People, Boys, Compliments, Creepsters, Fat People, Flyer people, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Public Transportation, Questions, Sexuality, Store, Strangers, Subway conductors, Weirdness, West Village, White People

…And People Who Might Give You Money.

Little boy: Myrtle kissed me. She is so sweet of me.
Mom: She's “sweet of you”? You're three years old. How do you know those words? Well, no one should kiss you except family members.

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Overheard by: Alexandra

Posted on April 24, 2015
Age/Aging, Family Ties, Grocery Stores, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Moms, Union Square and East Village, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Think “Speed Dating” Requires Meth

Jewish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to dinner, and is engaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to dinner with a duck. What the hell!

–Astoria

Suit on cell: That's what you get when you start dating at age 18 while volunteering in a Croatian refugee camp.

–M66 Bus

Female 30-something suit: Why would you think I don't have taste in men just because I'd do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheelchair?

–31st & Crescent, Astoria

Loud woman on cell: It's called "communication," Larry! Communication! You are such an idiot!

–3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st

Overheard by: Tom

College guy to friend: I don't understand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagina is showing.

–8th St & University

Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! After 26 days, I'd be all like, "bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes outta yo mouth, I'm gonna have to bash yo head in with a frying pan. I'm sicka hearin' the sound of yo voice!" No, of course I don' mean that, baby.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Riot

Posted on April 23, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Frat Boys, Friends, Handicaps, Insults, Internet, JAPs, JFK Airport, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Questions, Sex, Street, Suits, The Village, Threats, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

It Makes Me Horny. You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Horny

Straight girl: Oooohhh, you know who has the best tits? Isabella Rossellini. Great, great tits.
Gay guy: Oh, you're right! I didn't even think of her.
Straight girl: I don't know how someone her age can have tits that great.
Gay guy: Yeah, if your tits are half that good when you turn her age, you should die a happy woman.
Lesbian: Dear god, why are we talking about Isabella Rossellini's tits on the subway? For that matter, why are we talking about them anywhere?!

–N Train

Posted on April 22, 2015
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, Compliments, Default, Girls, Guys, Lesbians, Nipples, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Questions, Weirdness

Another Intriguing Entry in the Bad Date Semifinals

Man on blind date: I can't believe I just went to the bathroom. Sorry, I didn't think I would have to. I guess as you get older your bladder weakens.
Woman on blind date: Yeah, I guess.

–Sushi Resteraunt, 82 & 3rd

Overheard by: im

Posted on April 18, 2015
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Dating, Health and Hygiene, Men, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper East Side, Women

Lemming’s Night Out

Girl: Oh, I’m sorry, are you the bouncer?
Large man: No, I just came out to make a phone call.
Girl: Well, you look like you might have some authority. Are you sure you don’t want to see my ID?
Large man: Girl, you can get a drink wherever you want. I don’t give a shit.

–West Village

Overheard by: Gloria

Posted on April 16, 2015
Age/Aging, Bimbettes, Drinking & Drunk People, West Village

Is “Polishing Your Guns” a Euphemism?

Suit #1: Yeah, when my daughter is a teenager and boys come calling…
Suit #2, interrupting: You'll be sitting at the door in your underwear, smoking a cigar and polishing your guns!
(they laugh hysterically)

–E Train

Overheard by: Jess K.

Posted on April 16, 2015
Age/Aging, Clothing, Family Ties, Laughter, On the Subway, Smoking, Suits, Weapons

Age/Aging