Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.

–Time Warner Center

Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Leah Beirne

Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body… Not if it only died for a few hours.

–Target, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: barbat

Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don’t die now!

–52nd & 5th

Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth–if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!

–125th St

Overheard by: slightly intrigued

Woman: You’re born, yadda yadda yadda…You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.

–24th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose…[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it’s not my fault.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Posted on September 13, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Death, Druggies, Drugs, Etiquette, Fat People, Fears, Grocery Stores, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Kids, Manhattan, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Private Parts, Queens, STDs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Whole Foods, Women

I Think It Was the Poop Fights That Brought Me Back from the Brink

Redhead: When I was dying, I had a thing with monkeys.
Ponytail: Really? Monkeys?
Redhead: Yeah… they were everywhere!

–New Amici’s, 187th St, the Bronx

Posted on September 10, 2006
Animals & Nature, Crazies, Death, Girls, Paranoia, Restaurants & Cafes

PlaySkool: My First Drive-By

Boy in moving car, to random boy on street: First I’m going to kill your mom, then your dad, then your dog, and then I’m going to shoot your cat!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Carolynn

Posted on September 8, 2006
Death, Gay Man's Best Friend, Kids, Man's Best Friend, One-liners, Parents, Shoot, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Posted on September 6, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Marriage, Movies, Murder, Music, Offers and requests, Politics, Religion, Stupidity, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

Retail Therapy Soothes Even the Most Troubled Upper East Side Soul

Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day…Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn’t know him at all…This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They’re the same ages as–Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can’t even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I’m getting it in blue.

–Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: DC

Posted on September 3, 2006
Compare/Contrast, Death, Family Ties, Ladies Who Lunch, Money & Class, Retail Therapy, Store, Upper East Side, Women

David Blaine in the Off-Season

Guy #1: I hear if you pee on that third rail thing it will kill you.
Guy #2: Really? Let’s give it a shot!

Guy #2 pees over the side, hitting the third rail.

Guy #2: Fuckin’ bullshit, man! That shit doesn’t even work!

–B platform, 34th St

Posted on August 11, 2006
Death, Idiots, Pee, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Wednesday One-Liners Built the Tower of Babel

Guy: Hey! Where’s my Sudanese pussy from Chinatown?

–14th & University

Guy on cell: I’ll meet you at the corner by the store with Chinese writing…Hey, wait a minute. All the fucking signs around here have Chinese writing.

–Walker & Lafayette

Overheard by: Wolf

Guy on cell: So, if this is true, then Dracula’s native language would be Hungarian rather than Romanian. And I think that is important for my research.

–Anthology Film Archives, 2nd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: nosy cinephile

Teen girl: This bag is mad Aztec.

–13th & University

Co-Worker: So, did she mention anything about Mexicans?

–Office, W 36th St

Overheard by: Evan

Well-Traveled girl: Mexico is not a Third-World country. JFK is.

–Tea Lounge, Park Slope

Small child: Mommy, look! You can tell he’s Mexican by his eyes!

–Bodies exhibit, South Street Seaport

White girl, to Asian girl: So wait, is he just not Japanese or not interested?

–Walgreens, Union Square

Overheard by: Goldie

Businesswoman: Well you can’t kill a Vietnamese man because that would just cost too much.

–I Trulli restaurant, E 27th St

Hobo: You’re not Polish; you just think you’re Polish!

–Tompkins Square Park

Voice over intercom: Will the foreign exchange student please come to the cashier.

–Century 21

Sassy chick: I can’t believe she’s moving to fucking Cambodia to live with a fucking cricket-hunter she’s only known for two months!

–TGI Friday’s, 52nd & 7th

Overheard by: Shaina

Posted on August 9, 2006
Africans, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Asians, Body Parts, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Cashiers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Chinatown, Death, Fashion, Foreigners, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, History & Geography, Hobos, Japanese, JFK Airport, Kids, Latinos, Manhattan, Men, Mexicans, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, On Cell, Parents, Park Slope, People, Places, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Suits, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Venues, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People, Women

One of Those Two Guys Would be Really Mortified to Hear This

Female future-voter #1: Saddam should be tortured and cut up into pieces instead of being in jail comfortably.
Female future-voter #2: Wait, didn’t Saddam die of cancer a little while ago?
Female future-voter #1: Oh my God, did he? Are you sure?!
Female future-voter #2: I was sure, but now I’m not so sure.
Female future-voter #1: You know who else died recently? Aaron Spelling!
Female future-voter #2: No way!

–28th & Lex

Posted on August 4, 2006
Crime and Punishment, Death, Idiots, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Rumor Has It, Teens, Terrorism

U-G-L-Y. You Ain’t Got No Alibi. You Ugly! Hey, Hey, You Ugly! Go, Wednesday One-Liners!

Girl on cell: I was like, “Back up, bitch. Get off your high horse and don’t ever talk to me again.” Such a bitch. And the thing is, she’s not even cute. Like, she has no right! She’s a fucking bitch, and she’s ugly! It’s one thing to be a bitch, but to be one when you’re ugly? You just don’t do that.

–19th & Broadway

Aspiring fashionista: I don’t know what I’d do if I had a kid and it was ugly. I’d probably die of embarassment or something. Maybe I should adopt. Can you, like, ask the adoption people to give you a good-looking child or something?

–SoHo

Flight attendant: We will be dimming the cabin lighting, as it greatly improves the attractiveness of your in-flight crew.

–JetBlue flight, JFK

Overheard by: Josh Barro

Father, to kids: Good job, guys! So [the doctor] says you’re ugly, but healthy.

–Pediatrics office, Tribeca

Buff girl on cell: Yeah, well, she accused me of being mean. She insulted this new dress I was wearing at the party and was all like, “Ew that is so ugly,” which was kinda bitchy, don’t you think? So I told her, “That’s because it would look like shit on you.”…Whatever. It’s true.

–NYSC, Whitestone

Overheard by: Karen

Posted on August 2, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Celebrations/Parties, Clothing, Dads, Death, Fashionistas, Flight Attendants, Gyms, Health and Hygiene, Insults, JFK Airport, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Nicknames & name calling, Office, On Cell, Poop, Queens, Soho, Travel, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Another Teen Emergency. Call the Ambivalence.

Girl: I was like, “High school is over. I can’t wait to get away from everyone!” And then, thanks to you, I actually realized that I might miss some people. You, James*, Gabrielle*, Dave V.*, Karen G.*!
Guy: But all of us except James are going to St. John’s, and he’s coming here to Queens.
Girl: But Gabrielle is going to Jersey! Everyone knows that once you go to Jersey, your soul dies.

–Queens College campus

Overheard by: Peter G.

Posted on July 2, 2006
College, Death, Ew, Jersey, Friends, Friendship, Girls, Guys, People, Places, Queens, Queens College, School, School and studying, Students, Topics, Venues

Death