Girl #1: God, I hate professional basketball. The other night I was hanging out with some guys and they were like: “The playoffs are on!” and I was like: “Yea, so is The Hills.”
Girl #2 (disgusted): Ugh, you watch that?
Girl #1: Yeah.
Girl #2: Actually, so do I.
–MJ Armstrong’s Public House
Thug #1: It is on fire, I swear! I cannot walk around anymore.
Thug #2: Dude, just because it itches doesn’t mean it’s an STD.
–Observation Deck, Empire State Building
Overheard by: StrikeForceAwesome
Hobo: The best way to fight terrorism is not with guns and bombs, but with beer and porno. Beer and porno!
–34th & 3rd
Man walking a black terrier to woman walking a brown terrier: Do you think the word "terrorist" came from the word "terrier"?
–22nd & 2nd
Grand Central loudspeaker: Will Tommy the Terrorist please report to the information desk… Tommy the Terrorist please report to the information desk.
–Grand Central Food Court
Overheard by: Reilly
Black guy: How the fuck can you curse a stadium? With a shirt? How the fuck do you do that? Tell me how that’s done! Y’all warlocks and shit? Ain’t no one can curse no one else. Cause none of you are warlocks! And if you were a fucking warlock why you cursing the fucking Yankees? Fuck, why don’t we curse Bin Laden? Send him a shirt?
–Downtown E Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Mom to child: You’ll either become a terrorist or a smelly homeless person! (child lowers his head in shame)
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Passerby
Hobo: Bush is a terrorist. Him and his father blew up WTC. (looks at Asian man) Jackie Chan is my friend. When you go to Hong Kong, tell him I said hi.
–7 Train
Girl on cell: You ate breakfast? You animal!
–2 Train Platform, Wall Street
Overheard by: Gin in Tonic
Angry guy on cell: She’s a chef! Of course she makes bad decisions… like deciding to be a chef!
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Withnail
Buddy Holly glasses guy: Oh, I want food so much more than I want women right now.
–First Saturday, Brooklyn Museum
Suit: I’m going to order some mashed potatoes, with a side order of pussy.
–In front of Macy’s, Herald Square
Overheard by: sometimesdee
Middle-aged jewish lady to other: So she asks me if she can come over for supper and I said I don’t know how to work the stove!
–Avenue J & E 12th Street, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Surprised teen: She fondled my pancakes. She’s a pancake fondler!
–34th St
Overheard by: Chloe
Jewish girl: I think my family likes me because I will fulfill my potential to be a pompous ass.
–NYU Bobst Library
Thirty-something Hispanic woman: All my nephews are boys… All of them.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Suze V
Girl on cell: Well then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked my sister!
–70 & Broadway
Girl on cell: …The half-Asian, half-Jewish guy. And she’s like: "My brother is so pissed at me!" and I’m like: "Of course he’s pissed, you’ve gotten with six of his friends."
–St. John’s University
Overheard by: Peter G
Guy: I’ve seen my sister-in law’s titties so many times…
–Yankee Stadium
Girl on cell: So the little girl at the wedding was like: "Are you guys brothers?" And I was like: "No, we fuck".
–24th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Amy
Wife: She called up the radio and guessed the right song, and they give her a thousand dollars.
Husband: Mmm… [Shakes head.] If I ever win $1,000 I’m gonna buy me a good woman.
Wife: Excuse me? You got yourself a good woman right here. You ever do that, she take the money and leave yo ass, nigga.
–Virgin Records
Overheard by: Maria
Little girl: Mommy, it’s snowing in my eyes!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!
–28th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it’s cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y’all just get out the way o’ my doors and let’s go!
–4 Train
Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There’s like water falling from the sky outside.
–LIRR
Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink…I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can’t get booze off my mind.
–72nd & Columbus
Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]… We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?
–LaGuardia Airport
High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile.
–Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn
13-year-old: I mean, he’s not a pedophile, he’s just very open with his sexuality, and I like that.
–8th & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelly
Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it’s fine. Fifteen is legal there.
–36th St & Fifth Ave
Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that’s a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman’s body.
–Prem-On Thai
Overheard by: office peon
Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth… Except for that kindergarten I’m not allowed to go back to anymore.
–McSorley’s, 7th & 3rd
Overheard by: I’ll drink to that!
Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile!
–Coney Island Boardwalk
Overheard by: that’swhathesaid
Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny…
–Broadway Caribou Coffee
Overheard by: jenny Lui
Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it."
–46th, b/w 8th & 9th
Overheard by: christine
30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird.
–7th Ave
Overheard by: James from Jersey
Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!
–21st & 6th
20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.
–17th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Tater
Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles!
–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Girl to friends, while walking past bar: Oh, this is the place I got drunk at, then woke up in Queens.
–40th & 7th
Overheard by: Jesse
Drunk Italian guy, entering uptown NRW station: Uptown and Queens? That’s where all the pussy is!
–23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Middle-aged black woman on phone: I can see all Queens from up in here, nigga. Aw, damn, I can see that Rhode Island shit now.
–Roosevelt Island Tram
Overheard by: Jack Fleming
20-Something hipster girl on cell: Why do you have to get off the phone? You’re eating? Again? You big fat ass… God, I hate Queens.
–Queens Bridge
Overheard by: SL
Conductor over loudspeaker: You are now on the N train running to Queens… Unlike yesterday when I was in Queens running the train on all of youse. Enjoy.
–N Train
Overheard by: Kevin
Voice from dressing room stall: I am at a Sears in Queens. S. O. S.
–Sears, Rego Park, Queens
Overheard by: Ladle
