Music

In New York, Even a Compliment Can Get You Beaten Up

Doo-wop busker: Hey man, anyone ever tell you that you look just like Wynton Marsalis?
Black guy who does actually look like Wynton Marsalis: Who?
White woman: Oh! Yeah, he does!
Doo-wop busker: Yeah, am I right? Wynton Marsalis, in the flesh.
Black guy: I don't even know who that is.
Doo-wop busker: Jazz trumpet, man. Genius.
White woman: He's a wonderful musician. You should look him up!
Black guy: Uh, sure. What was the name again?
Doo-wop busker: Wyn-ton. Mar-sa-lis. They ever make a movie of his life, you got it made.

–R Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

You Can't Say “Engelbert Humperdinck” in a Gay Bar, Sir

Bar patron, listening to Sweet Caroline: Wow. I've never heard this version before. It's cool! Who's singing?
Twinkie bartender: It's from that show Glee. I've never heard the original, though. Whose song is it?
Bar patron: Oh, man, that takes me back. Englebert Humperdinck. A guy named Englebert Humperdinck–he wrote it for Caroline Kennedy.

–Gay Bar, West Village

Overheard by: Bob

Apparently Two Gays Don't Make a Straight

Drunk man #1: Oh my god, Lily Tomlin, man?
Drunk man #2: Yeah?
Drunk man #1: Yeah, really! Nine to Five? Awesome.
Drunk man #2: I didn't know.
Drunk man #1: Yeah, dude! She was in Blue Hawaii with Elvis.
Drunk man #2: I had no idea.
Drunk man #1: I wish I met her, man. She died right after she married Lou Reed.

–Grand Central Station

Wednesday One-Liners' Cocktail Hour Started Back in the Eighties

Cop to another: Are you drunk yet?

–Corner of 145th St

Frustrated-sounding NYU student to friend: Well, why don't you get a girl and you can just pretend she's drunk?

–Washington Square

Future rabbi: So my philosophy professor, Lenny Kravitz, told us we'll be drinking scotch in class tomorrow…

–4th & Broadway

Drunk black guy arguing on phone: Man, you need to stop drinkin'. Not only is yo speech gettin' slurred, but yo brains is gettin' slurred too!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Ashley

Dude to friend: I swear to god, every time he gets a little buzzed he thinks he's Austin Powers.

–40th & 7th

Overheard by: thivnav

You Don't Really Know Someone 'til You Wednesday One-Liner With Them

Girl: I haven't told my new roommate that our upstairs neighbor sounds like the Count when she's having sex.

–L Train

Man to two female companions: Don't you hate it when you go into your bathroom and find your roommate's pubes on the sink?

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Sarah

Jersey mom: We're so lucky she got a good roommate, one that doesn't stay up late or listen to rock music.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Liz

Guy to friend: If you are 35 and living in New York with 3 roommates, you should just shoot yourself, right?

–Outside Whole Foods, Union Square

Confused NYU male: The only people I would consider hooking up with are like, my roommate and like, Carl, my cousin.

–University Place & E 9th

Soon Only Middle-Aged Gay Men Will Love Lady Gaga

Old man to teenagers dancing in line ahead of him: What are you kids listening to? Looks like fun!
Teenage boy, aggressively: We're dancing to Lady Gaga's “Bad Romance.” You don't know her.
Old man: I love her! I'm seeing her concert at Radio City Music Hall!
(teenagers stare, speechless)

–Metropolitan Opera, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: James

…'s Womb.

Tween girl #1: That Britney Spears perfume smells like slut.
Tween girl #2: I know! It smells like my mom!

–Canal St

Overheard by: ouch

Wednesday, with Some Scattered One-Liners in the Early Evening

Hobo: Everyone, please believe me, I had nothing, I tell you–nothing, to do with this rain!

–6 Train

Overheard by: thanks for that clearing that up

Black guy sitting on stoop to white guy standing the rain: I can't offer you a warm vagina but I can offer you a dry haven.

–1st Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: D Dot

Hobo to sky, as it begins to rain: You gotta do better than drizzling if you want to flood the Earth! We got murders and rapists down here! There are pedophiles and traffickers and thieves and liars and idolaters! I'm ready: I got the life goggles you sent me! (holds up scuba mask) Thank you for making me in your image, Lord. Amen.

–24th St b/w Broadway & 6th Ave

Overheard by: EmLo

Man, as it begins to rain: Goddamn rain, man! Only in New York!

–Park Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants

Woman on cell: Yeah, the weather is beautiful this morning. I'm strolling like a motherfucker.

–Lexington & 90th St

Early in Life, Girls Start Drafting a Long List Of Requirements

Four-year-old blond girl: Can we get whipped cream?
Dad: No, we don't need whipped cream.
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is whipped cream!
Dad: No, honey, All You Need Is Love.
Four-year-old blond girl: No! All you need is whipped cream! And kitties!
Dad: (laughs)
Four-year-old blond girl: All you need is kitties! All you need is kitties!

–Trader Joe's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Kristin Ostby

Which She Does Every Weekend!

Guy with British accent: I can't believe she blew me off again! It's not even like she had Jay-Z tickets!
Girl with British accent: No, she was just getting drunk with an Irishman!

–8th Street & Broadway

Overheard by: amalthya

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