Kids Say the Darndest Wednesday One-Liners

Seven-year-old white boy in huge afro wig, screaming: Peace out, smokers! Peace out, jazz singers! Now, who wants my autograph?

–Playground, Houston St, Soho

Little boy with broken arm: I just won eight gold medals!

–Pier 46, Hudson River Park

Overheard by: skeptical james

Three-year-old boy: The night… why does it hurt?

–Flushing Playground

Six-year-old girl waiting for parents to pay the check, chanting: Hun-ger! Hun-ger! Hun-ger!

–Chinese Restaurant, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kendra

Little boy walking towards LIRR at rush-hour: How are we going to get through all of this?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: i feel the same way

Four-year-old boy: I gotta feelin… that tonight's gonna be a good night… that tonight's gonna be a good night… that tonight's gonna be a good good night!

–Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square

Overheard by: wooohoooo

Little girl, in Cro-Magnon section of museum: Mommy, you must have known these people. They look like you!

–American Museum of Natural History

Posted on February 16, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Food, Glad the Condom Broke, Hudson River, Kids, Moms, Museum of Natural History, Music, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Parks, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Should've Used a Condom, Singing, Smoking, Soho, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers, Wishes & desires

Later, When She Breaks to Take a Crap and Change Her Tampon, He Creams Himself

Female singer: Sorry about the delay. I had to pee, so I went.
Guy in audience: What did she say?
Friend: She had to pee. And she went.
Guy in Audience: Ohhh man. That’s awesome.

–Irving Plaza, Starlight Mints show

Posted on February 13, 2015
Bars & Clubs, D-List, Friends, Pee, Singing, Union Square and East Village

If You're Wednesday and You Know It, Clap Your One-Liners

Young black lady to friend: I am so happy this is my last week! I hate New York City! Everybody is so rude! Today I nearly punched somebody in the face!

–Elevator, Midtown

Overheard by: thorn

Metro guy, singing: If you're happy and you know it, get a paper. If you're happy and you know it, get a paper. If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it. If you're happy and you know it, get a Metro.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: erkala

Six-year-old boy to mom: The things in cave paintings don't always look happy.

–81st & 1st

Overheard by: Tim

Obvious lawyer, on Yom Kippur: My finger is happy to have the day off.

–32nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: k

Posted on February 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Elevators, Free stuff!, Friends, Gripes, Happiness, Holidays, Kids, Lawyers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, One-liners, Only in New York, Penn Station, Punch, Singing, Upper East Side, Vendors & Street Performers, Visual Art, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

You Realize Giving Head Makes You Gay, Right?

Busker with jackhammer vibrato: Some say looooooooove it is a huuuuuuuuuuuuunger…
Suit: I'm going to chew off my cortex.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on February 1, 2015
Body Parts, Love, Musicians, On the Subway, Singing, Suits, Vendors & Street Performers

Wednesday Sung Liners

Metalhead, playing guitar and singing: Buy some fuckin' poptarts /buy some fuckin' weed/ buy some fuckin' cigarettes/buy everything you need!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: j

Singing hobo pushing cart: I am wiiiise. I am wise!

–Union Square Station

Overly flamboyant gay guy, singing: I kissed a girl and I liked iiiit. (swishes hips while walking)

–11th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Mal Sullivan

Singing gay guy to another, clapping hands in rhythm: You look like a cunt, you act like a cunt, you smell like a cunt, you feel like a cunt…

–2 Train

Overheard by: drew

Hobo, getting into train and taking out electric guitar and amp: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please! This song is for the white lady with the orange pocketbook. She reminds me of Martha Stewart…when she got out of jail. (starts singing) 3 train white lady is my girl, my girl, my girl!

–Downtown 3 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Little girl in stroller, singing happily: Doe, a deer, a hee-hale deer. Ray, a drop of golden pee-pee…

–E Train

Posted on January 27, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Hobos, Insults, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Music, Musicians, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Pee, Physical appearance, Prison, Queer guys, Race, Shopping, Singing, Smoking, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Two-Drink Minimum

Flyer guy: Smile, you're on Broadway! (singing) You're never fully dressed…when you're naked! (stops singing) So come to New York's best improvisational comedy club! Be there, or be someplace else!

–Times Square

Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy

Annoying man outside comedy club, to passerby: Do you like stand-up comedy? (passerby ignores him keeps walking) Do you like free alcohol? (passerby keeps walking) Do you like ignoring me? (passerby turns head and nods)

–Broadway

Overheard by: Wojo

Comedy show ticket salesman to couple: So, what are you two doing tonight…besides each other?

–Broadway & 49th St

Overheard by: Theo

Ticket guy to walking couple: Do you like comedy or do you just do each other? Maybe that's all you need.

–51st & 8th

Overheard by: PartyByNight

Street vendor: Want to see a comedy show for $10? Free drinks! Cheaper than crack cocaine!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: gradstudent

Comedy club flyer guy: Blah, blah, blah, take my flyer!

–Times Square

Overheard by: No flyer, but props for the delivery

Posted on January 13, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Broadway Shows, Cocaine, Couples, Drinking & Drunk People, Flyer people, Free stuff!, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nudity, Offers and requests, One-liners, Questions, Sex, Singing, Strangers, Street, Theater & Dance, Times Square, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liner Swap

Lady on cell: She must have been humiliated by the parade of wives!

–Broadway & 72nd

Man to friend: Whenever I want to fuck my wife, she doesn't want to. But when I can't, she always wants to. I think she does it out of spite.

–12th St

(Elton John's Rocketman playing on radio) "I miss the Earth so much… I miss my wife…"
Barista: You don't miss your wife, Elton. You're gay!

–Small Coffee Shop, SoHo

Midget handing out fliers: Who likes comedy? (to man in striped shirt) Hey, do you like comedy? I like striped shirts, let's work something out here!
(man keeps walking)
Midget, yelling after him: No wonder your wife doesn't love you!

–Union Square Subway

30-something guy: Dude, that's so rude. Plus, she's going to be your wife soon, so you've got to stop calling her that.

–Hell's Kitchen

Posted on January 11, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Clothing, Comebacks, Family Ties, Flyer people, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Insults, Love, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Musicians, On Cell, One-liners, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Singing, Soho, Strangers, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Must Be from Queens

Woman, texting: How do you pluralize "uterus"?

–TKTS Booth

Overheard by: DramaPirate

Kids entertainer, singing: Do you know what a co-creator is? To create is to make something, and when you co-create, you do it together…

–Kindergarten party, Williamsburg

Cashier with cookbook: It's got a table of continents so you can see what's in it!

–Department Store, 225th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Student: I just love adding "izzle" to the end of words.

–Metro-North

Coworker: UPS didn't have the tracking information at first, but then they found it… Good thing, because I was about to blow a casket.

–Fordham University

Posted on December 20, 2014
Actors, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cashiers, Coworkers, Fordham, One-liners, Private Parts, Questions, Sex, Singing, Store, Students, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg, Women, Words

“This One Time, at Wednesday One-Liner Camp…”

Angry man on cell: He was a porn star, not a pianist.

–Outside Fairway, 72nd St

Goth chick on cell: We're inside. Yeah, she's playing "Creep" on a ukulele. No, I'm serious!

–Spiegelworld

Art student: I did some acid and they made me play with a guitar, but it felt like plastic and it sounded like cheese!

–Pratt Institute

Tall drummer girl: This is why I love you guys. When the drumline goes on break, they're like, "let's play some more!" When you guys go on break, you're like, "let's explore each others' bodies!"

–Pathmark

Overheard by: Another band geek

30-something African American woman: Mmm-hmm. He playin' her ass like a violin!

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: KTizzle

Posted on December 16, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, College, Compare/Contrast, Food, Goths, Grocery Stores, Hard Drugs, Instruments, Jobs & Careers, Men, Music, Musicians, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Porn, Port Authority, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Singing, Street, Students, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Sing in Hebrew, Sweetie.

Loud Jewish grandmother: Nobody ever wants to come here to celebrate the holidays.
Louder Jewish son: What are you talking about, ma? We're all here!
(family sits in silence around table)
11-year-old granddaughter, softly singing: When you wish upon a star… Makes no difference who you are.

–Queens

Overheard by: S

Posted on December 16, 2014
Celebrations/Parties, Families, Family Ties, Jewish Moms, Jews, Queens, Singing, Wishes & desires