I'd Love To, Baby, but My Wednesday One-Liner Won't Let Me Date

Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table–I mean, uh…my food.

–F Train

Overheard by: penelope

Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.

–Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Matt

Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.

–A Train

Overheard by: Suzi

Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"

–Grand Concourse

Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life…over there, save your wife!

–Radio City Music Hall

Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Amina

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Brooklyn, Compliments, Conductors, Cops, Food, Friends, Infidelity, Insults, Laundromat, Love, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Rockefeller Center, Sex, Stab, Strangers, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Theater, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

If You're Wednesday and You Know It, Clap Your One-Liners!

Man: Is this the happy train? (no reply) Oh, this is the depressed train. Who wants spare change?

–N Train

Overheard by: ellen.

Big old Russian guy: So vhy you drink? You drink ven you are happy, and you drink ven you are sad. Me, I am either happy, or I am sad. So me, I am drinking all the time!

–Deli, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Zinny

Large woman on cell: I wanted to suck away your happiness, do you understand? I just wanted to suck it away!

–Grand Central Station

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. So then he pulls the rubber duck out of his (lowers voice) ass and says he loves me. Yeah, for the first time, I was so happy…

–B Train

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Delis, Drinking & Drunk People, Fat People, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Happiness, Men, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Questions, S&M, Street, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

This Cannot End Well

Black girl: I'm gonna have my dog bite your ass.
Black boy: Yeah, right, I'll sic mad pigeons after that shit.

–E 103rd & Lexington

Posted on February 1, 2009
Ass, Birds, Black People, Boys, Girls, Man's Best Friend, Threats, Upper East Side, Violence, Weirdness

Minty-Fresh?

Hipster girl, pulling a pineapple out of garbage bag: Man, these totally smell like ass sometimes!
Hipster boy: This one smells okay. It's fine.
Hipster girl: No it's not–it smells like your ass!

–Metro North Rail

Posted on February 1, 2009
Ass, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Hipsters, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Trains Not Subway

Ever Since We Learned About Alliteration in English Class

Chubby teen with big ass: Guess what, mom…I have a new nickname.
Parent: What is it?
Chubby teen with big ass: They call me “tiny tush.” Whenever I see them they go, “hey, look, it's tiny tush!”

–F Train

Posted on January 31, 2009
Ass, Height, Nicknames & name calling, On the Subway, Parents, Physical appearance, Teens

Wednesday Bloodliners

Girl to guy: And then he cheated on me with his male and female cousin.

–9th & 21st, Chelsea

Guy on phone: You should tell him next time he should keep his dick in his sister.

–72nd & Central Park West

Guido, getting his hair cut, in a thick Staten Island accent: Show me where it says in the Holy Bible that you can't bang your stepsister.

–Staten Island Barber Shop

Overheard by: Snewsboy

Dude on cell: Bitch, I don't care how much you give me, your ass just ain't worth it. (pause) Plus, I can just get it for free from my sister.

–Coffee Shop, Hell's Kitchen

Overheard by: really hope he didn't mean what i thought…

Girl to mother, after game: I'd rather go down on my sister than take the d train to Times Square right now.

–Old Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: datura0001

Posted on January 28, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Barbershop, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Christianity, Family Ties, Free stuff!, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guidos, Guys, Incest, Infidelity, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Yankee Stadium

What's Wrong With My Tasti D-Lite?

Girl #1: God, they're opening another damn Pinkberry here?
Girl #2 (indignant): I know, next they're going to open a Pinkberry in my ass!
Girl #1: Well, it would be a better alternative to what you've got going on now.

–Columbus & 74th St

Overheard by: might want to try that

Posted on January 25, 2009
Ass, Comebacks, Girls, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

How to Get a Promotion at The O'Reilly Factor

Man being introduced to teenager: So, what was your name ag…
Interrupting man, holding a large pamphlet: Want to stick your foot up the devil's ass?

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: flmngarrow

Posted on January 24, 2009
Ass, Body Parts, Crazies, Men, Names, Satan, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Whose Basketball Playing Will We Mock Then?

Thug #1: I heard some shit like white people is dying out, like they ain't gonna be here in like a hundred years. Dead ass.
Thug #2: You mean the whole world gonna be like Harlem, and Chinatown and shit?
Thug #1: Yea, nigga.
Thug #2: That shit will be tight, son!
Thug #1 (looking around): Nah, nigga, that shit scary.

–112th & Lexington

Posted on January 22, 2009
Ass, Death, Fears, Questions, Race, Stupidity, Thugs, Upper East Side

Ass

Minty-Fresh?