Wednesday One-Liners Hope It's Just Like Riding a Bicycle

Douche on cell: I haven't had sex in 48 days and I feel like it's getting smaller. What should I do?

–48th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jnaz

Really old man complaining to his wife: You'd rather watch CNN than have sex with me!

–The Water Club, 30th & FDR

Overheard by: Trying to have a romantic dinner date

Pretty girl on cell: Yeah, I got this really bad toothache…my gums are sore too. (pause)
What do you mean what have I been putting in my mouth? (laughs) Well, nothing exciting, that's for sure! Maybe that's the problem. My mouth's probably going on strike cause it hasn't been getting any action.

–F Train

Overheard by: I wouldnt have minded putting something of mine in her mouth!

Girl on phone: I mean, if I don't fuck him, who will? His bitch-ass girlfriend certainly won't. (pause) No, not even; she only got those piercings so she could put a fucking lock in it.

–L Train

Random guy outside bedroom window: Just because I won't sleep with you doesn't mean I don't love you!

–Union Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Casey

Posted on April 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Height, Idiots, Infidelity, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, News, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Time, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners, Now With Delicious Credit Crunch!

Hobo, yelling to crowd: The stimulus plan won't work! The banks have no money! We need to stimulate the banks! You know how? Cocaine and hookers!

–53rd st & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Andrew

Professor: I knew the economy was bad when I saw Saks had layaway. Layaway is for Wal-Mart, not Saks!

–NYU Law

Guy on phone with mother: No, mom! I'm not going to walk on Wall St today. (pause) Because I don't feel like getting hit by a falling body, that's why.

–Broadway & John St

Asian metrosexual to friend entering clothing store: No, I wanna stimulate the economy!

–SoHo

Overheard by: Galatea

Cute young professional: I better be able to go into a bar and say, "I have a job, and it's recession proof. Wanna see what my bed and a Magnum condom look like?"

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Lindsay D.

Guy on cell: I'm telling you, when a place like that switches from Charmin to Duane Reade toilet paper, you know the economy is in the shitter.

–Great Jones & Broadway

Posted on April 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Friends, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Metrosexuals, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, Pick-up Lines, Prostitution, Shopping, Soho, Suicide, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Bring Their B Game

Sketchy guy to hot girl: Hey, baby girl, I like takin' long walks through the projects, sittin' on a park bench eatin' French fries… (she walks away) Hey baby, come back!

–Christopher & 7th

Guy to girl walking down the street: Hey you…I wanna get on your bus.

–125th b/w Park & Lexington

Overheard by: Reilly

Big dude to hot girl: Hey girl, come talk to me for a minute. (she stays still) C'mon girl, chubby thugs need love too.

–Franklin Ave & Eastern Parkway, Brooklyn

Black thug to white girls: I'm Barack Obama's cousin, wanna go on a date? (they pass) That's gonna be my new pickup line, yo.

–33rd St & 6th Ave

Guy, as a curvy woman struts past him: Shake what yo momma gave you…not what yo momma paid for!

–Shuttle Train

Overheard by: Meredith

Seton Hall jock, leering at female in next seat: Wow, this ticket has more holes in it than I've ever seen before!

–NJ Transit

Drunk guy to girl on subway platform, after Yankees game: I'm a classy guy! I will take you to the fucking Radisson!

–Yankee Stadium Subway Platform

Posted on April 22, 2009
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The Homogenization of Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy to friend on phone: Oh my god, she's not answering her phone? She's having sex. If she's not answering her phone, then she is definitely having sex. Hang up now, because she's having sex.

–Union Square

Overheard by: 1-900-Leave-A-Message

Flamboyant gay on cell: And oh. My. God. Let me just tell you about the cock. The fucking cock. It was eight inches of fucking perfection. I swear to god! It was beautiful. And I was always thinking like, "He's so perfect, there has to be something wrong with him. He must curve to the left or something." But no. I want to take pictures of it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Julia

Hot gay guy: I went shopping, got a 90-minute massage and then started drinking. It's been, like, the best day ever.

–Barrage, 47th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Flaming gay handler: I was going to wear my gold ankle booties, but I was afraid they'd clash with my Beagle's fur!

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber

20-something gay office worker: He's buying me a wok! I think it's for real! (pause) I'll chicken-fry his rice.

–19th & Broadway

Overheard by: spf

Gay to faghag: So, you ready to go? We can talk about vagina at Lincoln center. (pauses, takes in her reaction) No? Too off-topic?

–Subway Restaurant, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: onelinerwonder

Posted on April 22, 2009
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Ethnic Food, Fag Hags, Fears, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gifts, Height, Insults, Madison Square Garden, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Penis, Pictures, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sexuality, Shoes, Shopping, Street, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Genius Is 1% Inspiration and 99% Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: You're stupid enough to swallow a condom but you're smart enough to know you can sue someone.

–69th & York

Overheard by: Eugene

Attractive tall Asian chick with purple hair on cell: There's no way I would be compatible with someone so much smarter than me.

–Joralemon & Columbia, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Awesome Mother Fucker

Effeminate young man to lady friend: I think you're street smart when nobody tells you you're street smart.

–C train

Father to son: You are so smart. You are going to be the leader of a cult someday.

–Thompson & Spring

Posted on April 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Condoms, Dads, Friends, Girls, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Psychology, Queer guys, Religion, Soho, Suits, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners

Also Gives Handjobs With His Pinky Extended

Gay man to boyfriend crossing street: Hurry up!
Boyfriend: I am running elegantly!
Passerby to friend: Look at that guy! He takes such long strides! He runs like a gazelle!

–24th & 5th

Overheard by: amused

Posted on April 19, 2009
Animals & Nature, Boyfriends, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Queer guys, Strangers

Then Who'll Be the Catcher?

British guy: But whenever I give a pitch I cry like a little girl!
Girl: That's why you have to practice with someone who is better than you at pitching!

–New York Film Academy, Union Square

Posted on April 18, 2009
Advice, Brits, College, Compare/Contrast, Crying, Girls, Guys, Sex, Sports, Union Square and East Village

We Know Our Own Kind.

Skinny hipster to friend: All I'm saying is, if he can fuck a skinny chick why fuck a fat chick?
Random passerby: Shit, that guy ain't gotten pussy in months.

–East Village

Posted on April 17, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Friends, Hipsters, Hook Ups, Physical appearance, Questions, Skinny People, Strangers, Union Square and East Village, Vagina

Now I Feel All Ooky in My Chamber Of Secrets

Tween girl with huge wall of hair: I look like Hagrid.
Older sister: You look like the lovechild of Hagrid and Hermione. (pause) Actually, Hagrid is too big for that to happen.
Tween girl: You mean his body size? His butt?
Older sister: (laughing)
Tween girl: Ew! (pause) On a Sunday?

–Central Park

Posted on April 16, 2009
Ass, Books & Writing, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Film, Hair, Height, Laughter, Physical appearance, Sex, Sisters, Tweens

If I Could Grunt and Squeak and Squawk With the Wednesday One-Liners

Middle aged man: So all you gotta do is pick up a gray squirrel holding an acorn, squeeze his belly, and hear him make real squirrel chatter.

–92nd & Lexington

Latina girl on cell: Chill the fuck out! Groundhog Day isn't till like June or some shit!

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Max

Girl: I tried a lot of things before I started kicking small animals.

–15th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rijita

20-something guy to another: They cost a lot but they live forever. If you get a group of like 20 elephants, you're invincible.

–1 Train

Female student: But how else would you transport the elephant?

–34th St b/w Park & Madison Ave

Eight-year-old boy, running hellbent through playground, to friend: I could tell you about Archelon, the largest evolved turtle, but there isn't time.

–Riverdale

Overheard by: Someone else's mom

Guy on cell: It was kind of like sexually penetrating cows…

–E 55th St

Overheard by: TiffanyLyn

Posted on April 15, 2009
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Compare/Contrast