Student: Am I passing your math class?
Teacher: No.
Student: But I only need your class to graduate! What can I do to pass?
Teacher: Excuse me. Just because I'm Chinese does not mean you can bargain for your grade like this is Chinatown.
–High School, Queens
Older man: I'm really excited for Michelle.
Older woman: I'm really worried for Michelle.
–Willets Point
Overheard by: TCS
Chick on cell: Dan and I hit it off so great! We were sitting there on opposite ends of the couch and our feet were all intertwined, and I paused and just was like, ‘Look at us! It’s like we’ve known each other for ages!’ … Well, I’m thinking of asking him to get his DNA checked to see if we’re compatible. ‘Cause, you know, I want someone compatible. I wonder what his genealogical lines are. I told him that I was crazy, though, and that I was gonna ask. It’s just great that he’s willing to do it. It’s good that he knows I’ll be in control of everything.
–Plane leaving LaGuardia
Overheard by: Cassandra
Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then louder.] If the Amish can do it, so can you!
–113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Lady on cell: You tell my momma to get her ass to church and stop sinning!
–Grand Concourse, 205th St.
Overheard by: LSB
Black guy to another: Go to the Catholic church, cracka. They got good drugs.
–11th & A
Middle Eastern man: I believe in Islam and Allah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop doing those things, then I’ll pray.
–C Train
Overheard by: Mark
Thug: I totally invented the Chuck Norris religion.
–Queens Mall
Overheard by: LSB
Teen #1: What's a scallion pancake? Do you put syrup on it?
Teen #2: I don't know.
Teen #1: I thought scallions were a seafood.
Teen #2: No. That's “scallops.”
–Chinese Takeout, Queens
Overheard by: illyria
Middle aged woman: Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find English muffins?
Teen employee: All the muffins are in that aisle over there, but I don't know where they are from.
–Waldbaums Supermarket, Bayside
Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable…Yeah, it’s all in Chinese…Whatever. As long as I watch things that I’ve already seen, I don’t need to actually know what they’re saying.
–N train, Astoria
Queer, on cell: Have you seen Victoria’s boyfriend lately? He looks great. She’s better than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
–Eckerd, Astoria
Mother, to kids: Sorry we just missed the fireworks, guys. It’s okay, though. I TiVoed it at home just in case.
–79th St entrance, FDR
Tourist, after eagerly struggling for camera air-time: You know what, Ma, I don’t think we’re gonna be able to watch this — it only airs today.
–Taping of the Today Show, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Stephen and Allison
Girl: Well, today they had a woman who was born a man who married a man who was born a woman, so don’t shit on Maury Povich!
–New York Public Library
Overheard by: Actually READING at the Library
Guy: Sweet Sixteen? That show makes me understand terrorism.
–114th & Broadway
Evangelist outside gym: You want to be a macho man? Look at Jesus!
–Broadway & Prince
Street evangelist on microphone: Y'all ever see two female pigeons in bed together?
–Fordham Plaza
Very agitated priest: Jesus was a zygote once–what if Mary aborted him?
–St. Luke's Church, Whitestone
Crazy subway evangelist: If god could make me a good crackhead, you best believe he could make me a good preacher.
–E Train
Overheard by: Giggling at crack
Preacher: And that's why your religion is null and void.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Alfie
Boy to girl: Does it look like my ass is eating my pants?
–Brooklyn Tech
Overheard by: Julie
Eight-year old girl: It’s not me, it’s the pants! It’s the pants!
–81st & Roosevelt Ave
Overheard by: Jobee
Woman on cell: No. No. Absolutely not. Look, would you please put some pants on?
–8th & Broadway
Cop to his cop friends: My buns don’t look good in these pants. But hey, what can you do? It’s part of the uniform.
–Times Square Shuttle Station
Overheard by: Heather
Girl on cell: Do you have to shit? Oh… So go in your pants!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Shira
Incredulous thug to friend: You drop your pants to hop the train?
–W. Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jon A.
Frazzled mother to young child: Hurry. Hurry. Look, the monster is going to get you if you don't walk faster!
–Queens Mall
Mother to small child: If you eat your two pieces of chicken, I'll give you a raisin.
–College Point Shopping Center
Overheard by: Yesenia
Mom speaking to son: Sweetie, do I look like a eggbeater?
–Waterside Plaza
Woman on bus to child with large hearing aid: Sit down properly! Are you listening to me?
–M23 Bus
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Mother to whiny toddler: I can't listen to you anymore! I fear for both of us.
–15th St & University Place
Overheard by: Sarah M.
