Wednesday May Have Soiled Its One-Liners

Man on cell: She said I had to pay, so I shat in her mouth and left.

–34th & 5th

Three-year-old boy, looking overjoyed: I have to go poop!

–Store, 18th & Union Square West

Overheard by: i had to go, too!

Woman getting on train, giggling: I got a question…is there a pile of feces on this train?

–A Train

Elderly man on phone: Yesterday I coughed and shat my pants.

–3rd Ave & Fordham

Four-year-old boy, dancing: I like to move it, move it! I like to poop it, poop it!

–E 69th St McDonald's

Overheard by: Leslie

Brunette on cell: And then I told her, "hey hey, I'm not the fecal freak here. Don't go throwing poo at me." I mean really, I don't even like my own poo. I'm supposed to like hers?

–Williamsburg

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clothing, Girls, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Street, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Quick, Delete Those Pictures Before Somebody Sees!

Tourist #1, taking photos: Oooh, is that the New York skyline?
Tourist #2: No, I think that's New Jersey.
Tourist #1, stopping: Oh. Eww!

–Circle Line Tour

Posted on February 7, 2009
NYC Geography, Questions, Street, Tourism, Tourists

One Of Manhattan's Sacred Cows

Jaywalker #1 (honked at): Fuck you! Learn how to drive!
Jaywalker #2: Yeah, get a bike, save the environment!
Passerby: Uhh…that's a garbage truck.

–6th & Spring

Posted on February 6, 2009
Cars and Driving, Insults, Soho, Strangers, Street

Every One-Liner Has Its Wednesday

Well-dressed black girl to well-groomed black standard poodle with owner: Oh, look at your nice hair! You work it girl!

–22nd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Tigertail

Middle-age woman to overgroomed poodle, as it takes a dump in the middle of the sidewalk: Ohhhhh! Charlie, that's looking a bit creamy! Yum, yum! (pause as the dog sniffs his mess) No, don't eat it!

–14th St & University Place

Overheard by: Bee

Crazy hobo in wheelchair, to small dog on leash passing by: Meow. Meow! Meow!

–Union Square

Large black man to his shaggy dog: Just because it's there doesn't mean you can pee on it. That's a nice bike!

–9th St & 50th St

Overheard by: EmGusk

Man trying to control his barking dog: No! No anxiety! Bad dog! No anxiety!

–St. Mark's & Ave A

Overheard by: french bulldog with narcissism

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Beauty, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Food, Gay Man's Best Friend, Girls, Hair, Hobos, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Pee, Poop, Psychology, Street, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wheelbos, Women

A Brief History Of Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: The ancients left records all over the place. Look at the pyramids, dickhead.

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: EthanK

Drunk guy, as '80s song plays on jukebox: '80s music was so inspirational, cuz they knew Reaganomics wasn't gonna work. '90s, we were in a boom so it was like, "don't forget how bad things are!" Now music just sucks, cuz everything sucks.

–The Punch Bowl, 238th & Broadway, The Bronx

Overheard by: Kyle Crocodile

Preppy blond guy: Wow, I didn't realize The Great Depression was so bad!

–Columbia Law School

Drunk hobo yelling at sidewalk: Fuck those guys! They can't fire me! They need me! What the fuck? I built those temples, goddamnit! Those Mayans need me! I'm the only one who built those temples!

–23rd b/w 4th & 5th

Wisdom-sharing mother of two: Well, of course socks were invented first! Soccer was invented before shoes and they wore socks to play it! Why do you think it's called soccer? They were wearing socks long before they were wearing shoes.

–Restaurant, Columbus Ave

Girl: Wait! George Washington is Johnny Appleseed, right?

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Hobos, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, One-liners, Politics, Preppies, Questions, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoes, Sports, Street, Stupidity, Stuyvesant, Suits, The Bronx, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: It's at the point now it doesn't matter too much if my wife gets mad, it's the nanny I can't upset. (other men laugh and agree)

–Uptown A Train

Female employee: I do not want to go to anger management for a third time.

–115th & 5th

Overheard by: Tara

Girl to guy: You seem like the kind of person that would be mad if they got shot.

–Wildwood, Park Ave & 18th St

Overheard by: Sean

Mom to three-year-old son: You mad? You mad? Well, you know what "mad" is spelled backwards, right? "D-a-m." Ain't nothin' you can do about that.

–St. Nicholas Ave & 127th St

Overheard by: stella ho

Thug: She's just mad 'cause she's Mexican.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Wendla B.

Hostess running out of restaurant: Angry couple who just left the bar! You forgot your credit card!

–The Village

Overheard by: DW

Posted on February 4, 2009
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Baristas, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Laughter, Malls, Marriage, Moms, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Shoot, Staten Island, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liner Can Drink Milk As Adults

Crazy guy (inexplicably overjoyed): Heyyyyy! White people!

–1 Train

Gay black man on cell: She is such a delicate white cunt, she can't raise her own child. She needs a Jamaican man to do it.

–45th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Kristy Magyar

Angry black guy: I swear to god I'm bout to start slappin' white people.

–Union Station

Overheard by: scared white guy

White English guy to Anglo-Filipino chick: I don't think we'll be welcome there because we're white.

–Nostrand & St. Mark's, Brooklyn

Black guy: Man, I love white people, and I never shot anybody!

–Times Square

Panicked child: Mommy, why are there so many white people here?

–Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Asians, Bitch-slap, Black People, Brits, Brooklyn, Crazies, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, Guys, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Queer guys, Questions, Race, Rockefeller Center, Shoot, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Threats, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

A Wednesday One-Liner by Any Other Word Would Smell As Sweet

Sikh guy: I know a guy from high school who wore a name tag for eight years.

–W 4th St

Man on cell: You know, what's-her-face, she's friends with what's-her-name in HR.

–54th & 6th

Aging Guido: So there was this girl, I loved her, what was her name? Oh right, Nina. She lived in this fucked-up place. She said she had one kid, I went over one time, there were like three. Anyway, one time she was all like, "could I get three thousand pesos?" or whatever, and I was like, "Sure, if I get to fuck you and your friend!"

–1 Train

Mother to whiny brunette daughter: If you don't stop complaining I'm going to change your name. (pause) Yes, I'm going to change your name to Merlot, and your sister will be Chardonnay.

–61st & Madison

Overheard by: nancy

Small girl to unsuspecting male stranger: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! (indicating mother) Her name's Sophia.

–M 96 Bus

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Friendship, Guidos, India Indians, Kids, Love, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Names, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, Strangers, Street, The Village, Time, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Showing Up on Your Stoop

Woman: In Central Park right now, the Mormons are in full bloom!

–Bandshell, Central Park

Overheard by: Mojosaves

Chick to boyfriend: I could really use some Viagra, maybe I can get some from my grandpa. (pause) Wait, never mind, he's Mormon.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Girl: What do the Mormons have against gay people? Is it because the gays dress better? I mean, Mormons only like to wear white shirts and black pants.

–Uptown A Train

Deliriously drunk woman: I was Mormon!

–Times Square

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Central Park, Clothing, Colors, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, Questions, Religion, Sex, Street, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday Sung Liners

Blonde middle aged woman, singing, to the tune of "Winter Wonderland": Walking in a Weeeeeiner Wonderland…

–Food Store, 57th St

Hobo, rummaging in trash, to tune of "Blue Suede Shoes": One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, now go, cat, go. Gonna rob this town, rob this town tonight.

–79th & Broadway

Overheard by: thevineyard

am New York guy, singing loudly: Get am New York! Stay dry! Thank god you're aliiiiiiive!

–Union Square Subway Entrance

Hobo, singing while passing by shopping cart: Push, push in the bush, yeah, push it in the bush!

–16th St & 5th Ave

Gay gentleman, singing in response to another gay gentleman dancing down the street in pouring rain: He's gayer in the rain, he's gayer in the rain!

–W 23rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Jess

Man to Spanish guy singing "La Bamba": Shut the fuck up!

–51st St Station