Cute 20-something queer on cell: I slipped and fell and slid about fifteen feet on 34th Street. Thank God I have a fat ass. It was like a Slip ‘n Slide without the warm, the bathing suit, or the fun.
–6 train
Overheard by: Looking at his not fat ass
Peter Sarsgaard: That was like the time my sister got hit by her own school bus!
–Outside of the Ars Nova Theatre, 54th & 10th
Overheard by: Danielle
Young gay guy in Daisy Dukes, shades and tank top, yammering away on cell: Is it totally acceptable to have sex on the beach there?
–43rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Anna Rose
Teen boy to friend: If I were a giant I'd fuck the Statue of Liberty!
–Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: Henry
Chick to friend: As soon as I get over this yeast infection, I'm gonna bang the shit out of him.
–McDonald's, Times Square
Overheard by: Keep It Movin'
Black guy on cell: Penetration?! Penetration?! It ain't about penetration, it's all about sensation.
–E 4th St
Overheard by: girl named sugar
Drunk man to drunk woman, while making out against a car: Let's just go with it…let's just fuck on top of the car.
–Bleecker & Macdougal
Girl to the guy at the next table: Haven't I slept with you before?
–Stabrucks, 78th & Lexington
Overheard by: Ashlee
Hipster girl: And he's always like, "oh god, I'm so hard!" and I'm always just like, "really?"
–Kimmel Cafeteria, NYU
Loud passenger: I'm so horny I'd fuck a potato right now.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: fingerling
Guy: I've had a hard-on all day! I need to polish my lid.
–Hard Rock Cafe
Bearded hipster to another, on blanket in the park: Like, I could have sex eight times in a day and still come here and get a boner.
–McCarren Park, Williamsburg
Overheard by: kalbijim
Girl to guy friend: Did you just get a boner while we're talking about Mexicans and drowning?
–Williamsburg
20-something guy on cell: I'm sure she wants to castrate me. (pause) Remember her Asian friend, well… (pause) Yeah, I hit that. (pause, then uncontrollable laugh) I gots the yellow fever!
–59th St & 11th
Chinese brother to sister: All Asians get off at this stop. (looking out window) See? They're all Asian. (pause) Oh, wait, there's one English guy.
–Grand Street Stop, D Train
Overheard by: Justin W
Asian girl on cell: You know how people say all Asians look the same? Well, I realized something today. All white people look the same to me–I honestly can't tell them apart!
–Port Authority
20-something Asian girl on cell, in perfect American English: So, I just got welcomed to America for the second time today. Are my clothes that… (with disgust) Asian?
–Metro-North
Overheard by: RedShikari
Teen girl on cell: So, this weekend I have to go to Louisiana. Can you believe it? My grandmother’s dying. Yeah, again — she’s dying again. My grandmother is always dying. I can’t believe I have to go to Louisiana.
–Union Square
Father to four-year-old daughter facing American Indian in bear costume: Looks like Grandma, doesn’t it?
–Museum of Natural History
Girl on cell with boyfriend: So, what? I can’t talk down to your grandmother in front of you? What’s fucking wrong with that?!
–Jamaica Ave & Parsons Blvd
Overheard by: Rod-Rod
Latina on cell: What am I supposed to tell her? ‘Oh, my grandma’s dying and my cat’s eating her toes, and… um… I lost the papers’? I can’t do that… [After pause, she switches to rapid Spanish.]
–30th & 6th
Overheard by: avenueF
Creepster: I would totally marry my grandmother.
–Sly Fox, 9th & 2nd
Overheard by: Will
Young queer on cell, laughing: I mean, what is he going to blackmail me with?
–9th & 47th
Overheard by: wondering
Older queer to boyfriend: There's nothing like listening to Bach after having sex!
–W 72nd St, Record Store
Overheard by: I'll have to try that sometime…
(40-something gay guy is looking through a clearance rack of mismatched outerwear under sign that reads "Big and tall active bottoms")
60-something gay guy, yelling: Good luck, dahling, you're in the wrong section. Find where the big desperate bottoms are and try that!
–KMart, Penn Station
Overheard by: RoverUSA
Gay black man to whimpering toddler held by mother: Don't even start with me… Thank the Lord you ain't my kid.
–M15 Bus
Young, good looking gay guy to much older ugly boyfriend: My ex-boyfriend always bought me presents…
–86th St & Lexington
Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.
–Dumbo, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Tanya
Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem.
–64th & Amsterdam
Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!
–Target Store, Brooklyn
Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later.
–28th & Park Avenue South
Overheard by: Alie
Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again?
–61st & Amsterdam
Guy to girlfriend and friend: Goddammit, neither one of you is a gay man trapped in a woman's body.
–8th & 9th
Overheard by: cracking up
Girl on cell: Are all she-males gay? Cause if they're into women, sign me up.
–Astor Place
Teen on cell: Dudes have, like, purses here…
–110th & Broadway
Overheard by: Al-master
Guy to friend: She's not a tranny, but she's, y'know: tran-y.
–Grand St & Bedford Ave
Overheard by: KateM
Man on cell: You and I are both complex women. It's more complicated than that.
–21st St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Ben
Professor: So, I realized I like everyone in the class, and I need to be indifferent about at least one person. So I’m going to pick someone at random. [Points at seating chart] Alicia. Oh, she’s not here. [She comes in late.] Oh, Alicia’s here. See if I care.
–NYU Law
Overheard by: Leslie G.
Professor: … And all of this relates to Freud’s concept of the super Eggo.
–St. John’s University
Overheard by: had some for breakfast
Professor: Saturday night and Sunday morning are very different. Saturday night is for killing people!
–English class, Brooklyn College
Overheard by: Monia Paford
Professor: I haven’t lost any weight this semester… in case you noticed.
–Silver Center, NYU
Overheard by: Limey
Professor: Now, I think we already went over the properties of constructive and destructive waves in Chapter 15 last semester… But then again, I could be drunk.
–Physics Lecture Hall, NYU
Overheard by: I come to class for the jokes
Professor: I can just see those [small Jersey city] creeps sneaking over the river, buying Coach purses on Canal Street, going back home and pretending that they’re real… It burns me.
–NYU
Woman: I just have a lot of leftover Mexican anger…
–7 train
Overheard by: Elle-train
Man: This guy is a well-known thief, and he’s mad at me for ratting him out about something everyone knows. You just can’t trust anyone, and that’s how I feel about all Canadians.
–NYU
Overheard by: Eleanor
Stoner: That girl was either French or retarded…
–14th St
Overheard by: jenna
Chick on cell: If you can’t tell what it is, it’s an armless mannequin with a wedding dress half on, breasts bared, with a nice Mexican woman posing her for me.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Boisterous SI woman: Just push those foreigners out of the way. I’ve got your back — they just want to see the green bitch in the water!
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Mr. Anderson & Poki
