Taxi driver to colleague: Man, you know I don’t smoke that marijuana. How could you say that? It doesn’t do anything for me. So, I smoke crack. [turns to a young woman with bags] Want a taxi?
Young woman: No, especially if you smoke crack.
Taxi driver: It doesn’t matter what I smoke. If you can’t afford a taxi, just say that. Don’t insult me.
–In front of the Pathmark on Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Woman #1: Maybe if you suck his cock, he’ll, like, buy you a new car!
Woman #2: Maybe he will!
–83rd St & Columbus Ave
Man on phone, while withdrawing cash at the ATM: Congrats, dude. It could still be chlamydia though!
–LES
Overheard by: Romano
Kid: I don’t like this place, it has aids.
–F Train
Overheard by: Richard J. Anderson
Man on cell: You can’t just sleep in somebody’s bed and not tell them you have scabies. That’s… irresponsible.
–Home Depot
Professional woman: So I think you have an STD and blah blah blah.
–Times Square
Customer: Can we get an extra plate? He’s sick and I have herpes.
–Freemans, Freeman’s Alley
Twentysomething businesswoman: I was like, ‘oh my god, don’t hook up with my mom’… she has crabs!
–13th & 2nd
Overheard by: Natalia
Tourist: This is New York. Nothing happens fast here.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Get out of my way – I’m in a hurry
Empowered shopper: I have a cart. I can go as slow as I want.
–Chelsea Whole Foods
Overheard by: and she did
Girl to friend, after introducing her boyfriend: It’s not that he’s slow. He just hesitates before answering because he’s thinking of movie quotes and stuff.
–515 Bar, 34th Street & 3rd Ave
Mom of fast-walking baby: YO YO! Slow your roll.
–Grand St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering
Woman, while swiping metrocard: Gotta do it fast, just like a handjob.
–79th St Subway Station
Loud beeatch: Dammit, why you movin’ so slow? Don’t you know what city you’re in? Shit!
–42nd St & Madison
Overheard by: Jen
Conductor on PA: Attention, passengers. We have red signals ahead of us. Still working out the kinks. The good news is, once we get past Bergen, we’ll be back up to our normal speed. [pauses] which still isn’t too fast.
–F train
Overheard by: He ain’t kiddin’
Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?
–Broome Street, Chinatown
Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.
–109th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cassandra
Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!
–8th St & 6th Ave
Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.
–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave
30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.
–E 34th St
Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!
–New School
Elegant lady on cell: I’m a powerful influence on the Kennedys.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Fat black man to white man who breaks his umbrella while trying to help him open it: Aw, hells no. Don’t make me go all Britney Spears on yo’ ass.
–Duane Reade, 57th & Broadway
Chick, to guy: Danny Pintauro hit on you at a leather club?
–14th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Ladle
Professor to class: … The ark of the covenant gone, only to be found by Harrison Ford later on.
–Fordham University
Overheard by: Krisztina
Barista to meathead: … That’s the thing about Drew Bledsoe. He smokes a lot of marijuana.
–11th & Bedford
NYU girl: I want to be Patrick Dempsey! So I could fuck myself!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Maya G.
Suit on cell: Dude, you’re dating Sigourney Weaver? Right now? Dude, are you kissing her? Are you grabbing her ass? Does she still have an ass at this point?
–66th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ken
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: You are all sinners. Jesus Christ is coming and you are all going to be condemned to hell.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: Jesus is coming and you all will be dining with Satan.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m already here. I’m Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: No you aren’t.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m telling you, I’m Jesus. How do you know I’m not Jesus?
NYU hipster: My lord! You have returned!
–6 Train
Professional woman #1: He’s great, he doesn’t mind my excess body hair.
Professional woman #2: Good men are so hard to find.
–48th St between 5th & 6th
Woman in elevator: I am so glad they are finally making stylish maternity clothes. I mean, honestly, when I am pregnant I can’t just like stay home and sit with my kid in me. I want to go out and shake my ass.
Her friend: I know, thank god.
–Elevator
Blonde with group of tourists: Is New Jersey that way? [Points toward the west.]New Yorker: Yes, but there’s a river between here and there.
Blonde with group of tourists: You mean we can’t walk there?
New Yorker: Not really.
Blonde with group of tourists: Damn girls, what are we going to do tonight? We can’t go to Jersey and there’s nothing to do in New York.
–40th & 6th
Overheard by: Jersey, the state that never sleeps.
