Old lady to friend: You know who I feel sorry for? Yoko Ono.
–Central Park West
Female suit on cell: I once gave Carrot Top a massage.
–UCB Theater
Overheard by: Robert
Ghetto girl on cell: I know you ain't no Jay Leno and I don't speak Avatar!
–Fort Greene
Sober guy to drunk older guy: You know what you look like?? You look like a fucked-up Bobby Brown.
–3 Train
Woman at outdoor cafe: She's not that bad, she's more Snooki than Fran Drescher.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rick
Girl: Lisa went down on me while I was on my period. I decided just to roll with it.
–Frying Pan Bar
Professor: Let's all go home and menstruate! My goal in this class is to get all of you on the same schedule.
–NYU
Overheard by: Leslie
Upscale female suit on cell: I'm totally on the rag, but you can still lick my asshole.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: The Trooper
Gay guy on cell: I'm so cranky, I feel like I'm a girl who's on her period and pregnant.
–Park Ave & 29th St
Big black guy, loudly on phone: Why you bitchin at me because I won't cleeeeen behind you? I'm not gonna clean your nasty period ass offa the toilet! (nearby people begin laughing) Bitch, even the people on the streets be laughing at you!
–123rd St & Manhattan Ave
Father to two toddlers walking with mommy: So your mother offered to take me to The Standard for our anniversary, where we'd pose naked in the windows for all to see. I told your mommy I'm game… Afterwards we'll sell the pictures in Australia, how's that sound?
–23rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: geedee
Hipster, on being mugged: So I'm in the ambulance, but instead of feeling bad about it I took a picture of myself and put it on Twitter.
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Girl on cell: Just take nude photos of yourself. Go home. Take off your clothes, stand in front of a mirror, and take pictures.
–23rd St
Slutty-looking hipster chick on phone: My ex boyfriend said that he googled me and found naked pics of me.
–4th Ave & 86th St
Overheard by: bay ridge bitch
Annoying teen girl: He said "You know Limp Bizkit? Well, this is limp dick!" And he sent me a picture of his soft penis and I died laughing on the street!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Wallflower
Upper East Side crone: I just came back from Sudan, and there was nothing to buy there!
–Gift Shop, American Folk Art Museum
Hick obese wife to hick obese husband: Sometimes I like Wal-Mart better, sometimes I like K-Mart better. It depends on the day.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Emily Faxon
Tourist lady on cell: No, I was in the store the entire time! I got 8 pashminas!
–Canal St
Overheard by: Canadian Girl
Cheerful 10-year-old with cornrows to 30-something woman: This is a world famous store! So don't be surprised if you're still here at one o'clock!
–Macy's, 7th Ave
Asian girl, pointing to D'Agostino: Oh, that's D'Agostino. It's like a Japanese grocery store or something.
–10th St & University
Upper East Side mom: I shop at Target because I like to support out local businesses whenever I can.
–62nd & 3rd
Girl on cell: You have a mini what? Stalker? (pause) Do you mean "mini" like a little person? Or like only partial stalking?
–Park Ave & 77th St
Woman to friend: No wonder that guy is stalking you! You told him everywhere you were going!
–Astor Place
Overheard by: sarah
Suit on cell: Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute. I gotta cross the street to stalk this girl.
–Times Square
Overheard by: creeped out
Mother to daughter, indignantly: No, it's not stalking! It's called being resourceful.
–16th St & 9th Ave
Suit on cell: Yeah, we'll be whoring ourselves out. But that's what we do.
–53rd St & Broadway
Overheard by: I wish I got a bailout.
20-something suit: Beating a redneck at beer pong while wearing a suit is the classiest thing ever.
–79th St & Broadway
Overheard by: next victim
Suit: Ahahahaha! Haha! Ahhh. Fuck everyone.
–7th Ave
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Suit on cell: C'mon, man, it's only 300 grand.
–45th St & Lexington
Overheard by: Kári Emil Helgason
Fat suit to hottie: Hey! I have money! (hottie walks on by) Really! I do! (she doesn't stop) Fuck it. You don't care. But I do!
–3rd Ave & 13th St
Overheard by: Bruce Lee
Old suit to another, both laughing: I owe money, but not my money… other people's money!
–60th St & Lexington
Overheard by: J
NYPD emergency service cop to man carrying very large hamster in a cage: Whoa, did you pull that out of someone's butt?
–50th St & 10th Ave
Overheard by: Well we're in the neighborhood for it…
30-something to friend: She has everything up her ass but a cock.
–Broadway and Waverly
Tall man to short lady behind her wearing backpack: If you shove that bag any further up my ass, it'll be coming out my mouth!
–Downtown 5 Train
Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer
20-something boyfriend to girlfriend: First I let you put a dildo up my ass, and then you call me a faggot!
–2nd Ave & St. Mark's
Overheard by: Joe
Gay man: Oh. My. God. What kind of friend puts eels up your ass?
–52nd St & 9th Ave
Man arguing with woman: I was single and drunk and shit happened.
–3rd Ave & 13th St
Man to woman: If I wasn't so diabetic I wouldn't have got so drunk.
–14th St & Ave A
Overheard by: S
Enthusiastic 30-something woman: This is a fine time for me to start drinking again!
–Blue Bar, Algonquin Hotel
Overheard by: Terry
Girl to friends: I don't think I'm a whore. It just enhances what you would normally do with less judgment.
–Astoria
Overheard by: The Princess og Fancy
Excited girl: I haven't drunk since the last time we drank!
–1st Ave & 7th St
Overheard by: Erin
20-something girl: I feel sorta guilty for illegally downloading "We Are the World." What's that Haiti number? I should text them some money to clear my conscience.
–LIRR
Middle aged guy to female colleague: It's really good and all, but it's only after listening to the lyrics that I got a little worried. I mean all she kept saying was "I want your disease, I want your disease." What is that?
–6 Train
Overheard by: Kishan
FedEx guy: I'm looking for Phil Harmonic. He needs to sign for this.
–Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center Plaza
Overheard by: Rob
Loud Angelina Jolie wannabe watching band: I love this band, their music is like making love… Am I right?
–Terminal 5
Overheard by: Dani Cakes
Guy with guitar to naive teens: Yeah, music is the only way we can fight our oppressive, totalitarian government.
–City College
Overheard by: Stephen
Girl on cell, looking up: I don't know, nigga! I'm standin' in fronna some ancient castle or some shit.
–Wall St & William St
Southern guy on cell: No, seriously, there's shade on the side of the streets here! (pause) No… No, I know. (pause) I'm sitting on a bench, outside, in the shade!
–Central Park
Locationally-challenged woman on cell: I'm on the street, kinda near Blockbuster?
–Blockbuster, Broadway & 9th
Girl on cell: I'm not sure where I am, everything is Asian.
–Bakery, Chinatown
Middle-aged woman on cell: We're in Soho, and he has a three-legged dog.
–Bowery & Spring
Overheard by: Kaze
