If These Balls Could Talk, They’d Say the Same Thing

Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It’s not my fault you’re still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn’t talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.

–Morton St

Overheard by: these walls are paperthin

Headline by: Damo

Runners-Up:

· “I Apologize for Ovaryacting” – Katherine Duke

· “Quiet! We’re Trying to Decide Whether or Not We’re Going to Trap You into Marrying Us.” – Kara

· “The Whore Moans” – Stephanie L

· “You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour” – Kristen

· “You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom.” – Josh H

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on September 29, 2014
Anger Management, Assholes, Couples, Headline Contest Winners, Idiots, Menstruation

Romance Is Dead, but Wednesday One-Liners Keep on Coming

Guy to girlfriend: Will you just hold my fucking hand?

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: waiting for my prince charming

Guy: You know, I used to think cheating on girls was wrong.

–Whitestone, Queens

Overheard by: Michelle

Young woman, looking at Lolita book jacket: Wow. This kind of reminds me of my relationship.

–Borders, 33rd & 7th

Overheard by: with a K

Man on cell: No, dear, I do not want to hear what you’re doing to yourself right now.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Alexandra

Woman, to man she’s just kissed: What was your name again?

–2nd St & 1st Ave

Man on cell: My wife is driving me crazy! She keeps following my girlfriend around! Wait, hold on, I have to take this call. Hello…Yeah I just stepped out of the office for a few minutes… Thanks, honey, you’re the best.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Sara Swank

Girl on cell: He liked me too much, so I fuckin’ dumped him.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: buffalo

Posted on September 29, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Body Parts, Books & Writing, Breaking Up, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Gripes, Infidelity, Lies, Marriage, Masturbation, Names, Promiscuity, Questions, Relationships, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

How the U.S. Looks to the Rest of the World

Angry guy: Hey, what the fuck, man? You fuckin’ crazy, jackhole? What the fuck you doin’, man?
Bewildered guy: I’m not doing anything…
Angry guy: Be fuckin’ nice, man! What the fuck is wrong with you? Be fucking nice!
Bewildered guy: Well, then, you be nice, too.
Angry guy: Do not fuck with me. I will fuck you up! Do not fuckin’ mess with me!
Bewildered guy: I’m not messing with you!
Angry guy: Okay. Have a nice day.

–F train

Posted on September 28, 2014
Anger Management, On the Subway, Strangers, Threats

200 Wednesday One-Liners, and There's Nothing to Watch.

Professor: Do you guys watch American Idol? It's painful.

–Lehman College

Film student #1: It's kind of like Cloverfield meets The L Word.

–Waverly Place & Broadway

Valley girl wearing UGGs, pointing to Guggenheim: Oh! I think this is the building where Blair and Serena live!

–Outside of Guggenheim

Really effeminate 40-something man: I always pick up when he calls, and he was so mad I didn't this time… but I couldn't, because I was still in mourning over American Idol!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Melissa

Queer to female friend: I was watchin' Oprah the other day. Oprah is legit! She had Christina Applegate on. You know, that girl from Married with Children and she was talkin' 'bout her breasts. She got breast cancer and they took both of them off! She had on of them lumpectomies.

–J Train

Guy: That's the new American dream–fuck up your life so much that you get your own tv show.

–Fundraising Walk, Battery Park

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Posted on September 27, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Battery Park, Cancer, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dreams, Film, Friends, Girls, Guys, Idiots, More museums, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Queer guys, Questions, Rack, Store, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Village, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Have It? I AM It!

Lady: Do you have Real Simple?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple? Do you have Real Simple magazine?
Magazine Seller: What?
Lady: Real Simple! Do you have Real Simple?!

–Magazine Stand, Herald Square

Overheard by: Rehey

Posted on September 26, 2014
Anger Management, Biotechs, Street, Vendors & Street Performers, Words

Because of the Fucking Line at Starbucks?

Man #1: Did I tell you how fucking pissed off I was last night?
Man #2: No.
Man #1: I was fucking pissed off last night. Really bad.

–43rd St b/w Lexington & 3rd

Posted on September 24, 2014
Anger Management, Default, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions

Wednesday One-Liners Are Simply Scrotacular

Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!

–Wall Street Bull

Overheard by: oh tourists

Suit to street vendor: You spend the money and get blue balls…

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Colin

Guy on cell: Fucking shit! What the fuck? This fucking shit is fucking messed up! (pause) Whatever, mommy… just get me a large, it'll give me more room for my balls.

–97th St & Madison Ave

Big guy in chair on sidewalk to friend: So, I ate a pair of balls last night. Lamb balls. Hot and spicy.

–Heath St & 231st St

Overheard by: Km

Ghetto man to Dunkin' Donuts cashier: Yo, how much is da balls?

–W 148th & Broadway

Posted on September 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Balls, BJs, Black People, Cashiers, Family Ties, Food, Grocery Stores, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Pictures, Questions, Street, Suits, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Lay the Smack Down

Big guy on phone: … All I’m sayin’ is that’s wrong, man — you hit an ol’ woman, and you’re a boxer!

–151st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Thin walls

Guy on cell: So, wait — you punched her or slapped her? In the face?! Oh. Ow… Yeah, that’s still not appropriate.

–N 6th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: j

Angry guy on cell: This guy laid a fucking warrant on me for beating up crackheads!

–168th & Fort Washington Ave

Overheard by: RR

Five-year-old girl to seven-year-old brother: I’ll punch your Adam’s apple straight down your throat!

–Graham Ave bus station

Black girl on rising escalator, to friend: If he says anything to me, I’m gonna kick him in the ding-ding and then run!

–Broadway East station

Overheard by: Subwaysurfer

Posted on September 22, 2014
Anger Management, Balls, Bitch-slap, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Bus, Crime and Punishment, Default, Elevators, Etiquette, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kick, Lower East Side, On Cell, On the Bus, Punch, Sisters, Street, Violence

Elsewhere: Wednesday One-liners

Teen boy: “Romanian”? What’s that, Italian?

–N train

Posted on September 21, 2014
Anger Management, Animals & Nature, At the Airport, Brooklyn, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Crazies, Drugs, Fordham, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, History & Geography, Lower East Side, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On the Subway, One-liners, Queens, Queers, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Teens, The Bronx, The Village, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, We Love Our Pets

“Yeah, he finished really quickly.”

Teen girl #1: So, my boyfriend told me that if I didn’t have sex with him, he’d break up with me. So I did, but then he broke up with me anyway. I don’t understand!
Teen girl #2: Well, maybe you were really bad at it.

–43rd & 7th

Posted on September 13, 2014
Anger Management, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Relationships, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Teens

Anger Management

Because of the Fucking Line at Starbucks?