Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!

Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.

–90th & Amsterdam Ave

Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.

–South Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: smfd

Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Oh really

Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.

–W 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Katie_AK

Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Adriana

Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Taryn

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?

–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island

Posted on December 7, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia University, Comebacks, Crime and Punishment, Death, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Love, Men, MILF, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Prison, Public Transportation, Questions, Staten Island, Students, Thievery, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

No Wednesday One-Liner, No Love

50-something beefy man in wife beater on cell: Yo! I've got a bag of condoms and Jolly Ranchers!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Funky Monkey

Preppy girl to friend on phone: I mean… I've had to take Plan B twice this week already!

–2nd Ave & 9th

Drunken street vendor: Buy these Obama condoms! Flavored with hope, they'll get you through "hard" times!

–Times Square

Woman on cell: I got home to take a shower and he stuffs a bunch of condoms in his pocket right in front of me and then walks out the door. I mean what the hell is that?

–Astor Place

Man to woman on escalator: Well, just next time, remember to use protection!

–Babies"R"Us, Union Square

Overheard by: miziz

Posted on December 3, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cleanliness, Condoms, Drunks, Erections, Food, Friends, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Preppies, President, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Street, The Village, Time, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners, Dry-Clean Only

Suit on cell: And three girls we know will be there. They're all hideous. But at least they're girls.

–28th & 5th

Overheard by: Heinz

Man in suit: The building is surrounded by outside. Right before you go in and when you come out, you are outside!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: The Green Cat

Suit whining on cell: Aw, come on! I wanna be on top this time!

–Flushing

Overheard by: Zee

Suit: The only time I wore socks last year was during my swearing in.

–Maiden & William

Suit: You know, we should probably just send a company-wide email in the morning: "hey guys, we're fucked."

–Wall St

Overheard by: Tamcakes

Posted on December 2, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Fashion, Gender issues, Internet, Jobs & Careers, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Queens, Science, Sex, Sexuality, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners for Bernardo and the Sharks

Chica on cell: He was just white. Like, a white guy. Except Puerto Rican.

–Park Terrace West, Inwood

Overheard by: Gringo Starr

Puerto Rican thug to another, both wearing Puerto Rican flag bandanas as face masks: White people better get used to us. There be like 80 billion of us in the world… Or maybe 8 thousand of us…at least.

–F Train

Overheard by: Brent

Teen on cell: Wait, you're in Puerto Rico? I'll be right there, that's by Chinatown, right? What do you mean it's an island? Like Staten Island? How the fuck did you get there?

–Colombus Circle

Overheard by: Graham Davis

JAP on phone: He called me a clingy JAP! How fucking low! I could've easily pulled the "you're-a-Puerto-Rican-from-Staten-Island" card.

–92nd & 5th

Guy (shouting): Hey guys! You like Puerto Ricans?!

–Times Square

Overheard by: CytoFox

Dad on scooter with eight-year-old girl: I don't want to hear that… Don't fuckin' push me, Joanna! You are not black, you are Puerto Rican!

–Flatbush & Fulton

Overheard by: Chelsea

Posted on November 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Insults, JAPs, Latinos, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Race, Stupidity, Teens, Thugs, Times Square, Washington Heights and Inwood

Wednesday One-Liners, the Forbidden Dance

Tween girl: I mean, she changed her MySpace name to "freaky dancer," I mean, she needs to take that shit off. Seriously, take it off, because I'm the freaky dancer, no one else is the freaky dancer but me.

–Uptown 6 Train

Man: There will be no more dancing tonight. I broke the pole.

–Times Square

Jumpy drunk guy: I have two options. Dance or fall asleep!

–Blackbird Parlour, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ak

Guy: I'm really into Nijinsky…no homo.

–F Train

Weary looking woman on cell: Six and a half hours of burlesque. I didn't think there was such a thing as too much burlesque…but I thought wrong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McNasty

College girl: And then I would say: "But do you object? Do you object to my vagina dance?"

–Union Square

Posted on November 28, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Dancing, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Men, Myspace, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Penn Station, Questions, Students, Stupidity, Theater & Dance, Times Square, Tweens, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

“Do You Ever Get That Not-So-Wednesday-One-Liner Feeling?”

Girl on cell at register: It's like… If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. (pause) If it doesn't? Well then baby, fuck that nigga, cuz he was a douchebag anyway.

–Deli, Brooklyn

Girl: It sounds douchey. But not like "douchebag" douchey. Like "Summer's Eve" douchey.

–Tribeca

Man to another, on Halloween: Oh, I get it. You're a douchebag.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: T.J.

Hipster dude, sarcastically to others: I love douchebag bars.

–Outside Puck Fair

Overheard by: Is this the definition of irony?

Posted on November 28, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Delis, Girls, Hipsters, Insults, Love, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Philosophy, Stupidity, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners Star in a Revival of Dreamcoat

Man: Tonight we’ll go to the Polish restaurant, or we’ll go see Spamalot. Either way, we need the laughs.

–Elevator, 250 West 57th St

Four-year-old standing and pointing as Gaston is about to stab the Beast: Nooo! Stop that!

–Lunt-Fontanne Theatre

White chick: I’m entirely too white for this show. That, or too Canadian. They spell ‘color’ without a ‘u’!

—The Color Purple, Broadway Theatre

Guy on cell: I’m at Marie’s Crisis. Yeah, everyone at the party was ugly, and so I left, and I figured if I’m gonna hang out with ugly people, I might as well sing showtunes.

–Marie’s Crisis piano bar, 50 Grove St

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Small child during Tarzan: He’s dead ’cause he got shot.

–Richard Rodgers Theater, 45th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Adam

Black 40-something lady passing theatre: Ain’t dis a play o’ somethin’?

–Outside Nederlander Theatre on 41st St

Overheard by: A-Mo

Posted on November 27, 2014
Black People, Kids, On Cell, Stab, Theater & Dance, West Village, White People

A Wednesday for Breakfast, a One-Liner for Lunch, and a Sensible Dinner

Dancer girl: I dunno, I mean, like, I wish they made a size like, triple zero, so I would have something to look forward to, y’know?

–Central Park

Man: Yeah, that’s how you gain weight: a backed-up colon. I cleaned mine out this weekend.

–B54 Bus

Overheard by: Alma Molato

Old woman, very loudly, in the middle of the movie: Boy, is she skinny!

–Movie theater, 86th Street b/w 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: The New York Crank

Girl on cell: If bitch can’t afford to buy her own groceries, she can just get skinny!

–Green Village Used Clothing, Bushwick

Anorexic fashionista: Any self-respecting anorexic knows that!

–Lincoln Center, 62nd & 9th

Man on cell: You went to a party last night? Well, that means you have to do three hours tomorrow. And I want you to drink lots of water, but none of that crystal light crap. That is seven calories that you do not need.

–Blockbuster, Broadway

Posted on November 26, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anorexic, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Celebrations/Parties, Central Park, Clothing, Diet/Weight, Fashionistas, Food, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Men, Money & Class, Movie Theaters, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, Store, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Why Maybelline Thinks Long and Hard Before Discontinuing a Lipstick

Pretty girl on phone, screaming: I am not upset. I'm not upset–I'm enraged! I'm enraged! Enraged!
Young suit: I think maybe, uh… I'm not sure but…
Old suit: I think maybe she's a little enraged.

–28th St & Madison Ave

Posted on November 26, 2014
Anger Management, Girls, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, Stupidity, Suits

Medicinal Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: … So she smoked some pot and said, ‘This isn’t working. I need to shoot some heroin.’

–26th St & 8th Ave

Professor: Every good professor smokes marijuana.

–John Jay College

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Fat guy: Hey, I just finished running the marathon — let’s call Jeff and go get high!

–12th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: off white

Young pothead: Hey, lady, could you spare some change to help support my marijuana habit?

–Borough Hall Park, Staten Island

Future teacher: I think we should let the kids smoke pot everyday after lunch… You know, just for kindergarten.

–Spruce St & Gold St

Overheard by: Kim

Chick on cell: For some reason that reminds me of The Bell Jar. But probably, I’m just still high.

–West 4th St & Greene

Posted on November 23, 2014
Fat People, On Cell, Stoners, Teachers/Professors, Weed

On Cell