Do Wednesday One-Liners Amuse You? Do They Exist to Make You Laugh?

Professor: Fat people are often funny.

–Baruch College

Girl to friend: When she OD'ed on him, it was so funny!

–Riverdale

Overheard by: Caitlin

Ditzy-looking middle aged woman on cell: The funniest thing today with the kids! They slammed me to the door and one of them bit my arm and I drew blood! (pauses) Yeah, I know, I'm going back tomorrow!

–F Train

Girl: So, like my friend thought it would be funny to jump in a pool that didn't have water in it.

–8th St & Broadway

Brooklyn artist: After four or five organic vodka tonics, all the ironic hairstyles in the bar start to actually be funny.

–Williamsburg

Posted on December 16, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Artists, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, College, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Hair, Hard Drugs, Laughter, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, The Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Catch-of-the-Day Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on bench to friend: What did you do? You can't just eat a fish!

–Central Park North

Chick on cell: Were we attacking each other with goldfish last night?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Woman to friend: And on top of that, I hear she smokes like a fish!

–Columbus & 67th

Overheard by: abcnews

Girl on cell: I don't have snakeskin shoes, but I have these fish shoes I really love. Yeah, they're made out of fish scales. They're awesome.

–Penn Station

Middle-aged African American woman: I went to eat in the Bronx and she gave me naked fish.

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: the guy behind the guy

Posted on December 15, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Black People, Central Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Food, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, NYC Geography, On Cell, Penn Station, Questions, Shoes, Smoking, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

NYers on the Issues: Shoes

Hispanic girl on cell: I don’t care what shoes you’re wearing, you’re still Puerto Rican!

–92nd & Broadway

Woman: When a girl tells a guy she likes his shoes, that means she wants to fuck him.

–Delancey St.

Posted on December 11, 2014
Fashion, Lower East Side, On Cell, Puerto Ricans, Sex, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-liners Roll Up Dollars

Teen boy on cell: What grade are you in?…Do you get high? I get high everyday, yo! It’s coo-ool! What you gotta do, is look at yourself in the mirror, and ask, “Am I cool? Do I got what it takes?”

–Riverside Park pier

Overheard by: Marlena G

Posted on December 9, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, On Cell, Teens, Weed

Wednesday One-Liners May Need to Pay for It

Chick on cell: What are you doing tonight? Do you want to grab a drink, since I’m not having sex?

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Hobo: You know Bin Laden? Bin Laden has no sex.

–1 train

Lady to two girlfriends: She harasses people with that body. That’s why ain’t nobody want her.

–96th St station

Mid-50s blonde: I just don’t think I’m getting anything out of this. I mean, you don’t give me sex, you don’t give me money, so what the hell am I getting?

–Sushi restaurant, Soho

Man on cell: I’m okay now. The doctor said I could have sex. If only I could find someone to have sex with.

–E 61st & Lex

Blonde: We don’t have sex that much because I’m a virgin.

–E 23rd & Lex

Overheard by: Jake

Guy in hallway: I’d stick it in her, but she’d just pull it back out again.

–Leon M. Goldstein High

Overheard by: Hand-banana

Posted on December 9, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Girls, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Idiots, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Sex, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Terrorism, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Women

Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!

Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.

–90th & Amsterdam Ave

Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.

–South Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: smfd

Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Oh really

Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.

–W 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Katie_AK

Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Adriana

Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Taryn

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?

–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island

Posted on December 7, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia University, Comebacks, Crime and Punishment, Death, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Love, Men, MILF, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Prison, Public Transportation, Questions, Staten Island, Students, Thievery, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

No Wednesday One-Liner, No Love

50-something beefy man in wife beater on cell: Yo! I've got a bag of condoms and Jolly Ranchers!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Funky Monkey

Preppy girl to friend on phone: I mean… I've had to take Plan B twice this week already!

–2nd Ave & 9th

Drunken street vendor: Buy these Obama condoms! Flavored with hope, they'll get you through "hard" times!

–Times Square

Woman on cell: I got home to take a shower and he stuffs a bunch of condoms in his pocket right in front of me and then walks out the door. I mean what the hell is that?

–Astor Place

Man to woman on escalator: Well, just next time, remember to use protection!

–Babies"R"Us, Union Square

Overheard by: miziz

Posted on December 3, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cleanliness, Condoms, Drunks, Erections, Food, Friends, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Preppies, President, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Street, The Village, Time, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners, Dry-Clean Only

Suit on cell: And three girls we know will be there. They're all hideous. But at least they're girls.

–28th & 5th

Overheard by: Heinz

Man in suit: The building is surrounded by outside. Right before you go in and when you come out, you are outside!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: The Green Cat

Suit whining on cell: Aw, come on! I wanna be on top this time!

–Flushing

Overheard by: Zee

Suit: The only time I wore socks last year was during my swearing in.

–Maiden & William

Suit: You know, we should probably just send a company-wide email in the morning: "hey guys, we're fucked."

–Wall St

Overheard by: Tamcakes

Posted on December 2, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Fashion, Gender issues, Internet, Jobs & Careers, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Queens, Science, Sex, Sexuality, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners for Bernardo and the Sharks

Chica on cell: He was just white. Like, a white guy. Except Puerto Rican.

–Park Terrace West, Inwood

Overheard by: Gringo Starr

Puerto Rican thug to another, both wearing Puerto Rican flag bandanas as face masks: White people better get used to us. There be like 80 billion of us in the world… Or maybe 8 thousand of us…at least.

–F Train

Overheard by: Brent

Teen on cell: Wait, you're in Puerto Rico? I'll be right there, that's by Chinatown, right? What do you mean it's an island? Like Staten Island? How the fuck did you get there?

–Colombus Circle

Overheard by: Graham Davis

JAP on phone: He called me a clingy JAP! How fucking low! I could've easily pulled the "you're-a-Puerto-Rican-from-Staten-Island" card.

–92nd & 5th

Guy (shouting): Hey guys! You like Puerto Ricans?!

–Times Square

Overheard by: CytoFox

Dad on scooter with eight-year-old girl: I don't want to hear that… Don't fuckin' push me, Joanna! You are not black, you are Puerto Rican!

–Flatbush & Fulton

Overheard by: Chelsea

Posted on November 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Insults, JAPs, Latinos, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Race, Stupidity, Teens, Thugs, Times Square, Washington Heights and Inwood

Wednesday One-Liners, the Forbidden Dance

Tween girl: I mean, she changed her MySpace name to "freaky dancer," I mean, she needs to take that shit off. Seriously, take it off, because I'm the freaky dancer, no one else is the freaky dancer but me.

–Uptown 6 Train

Man: There will be no more dancing tonight. I broke the pole.

–Times Square

Jumpy drunk guy: I have two options. Dance or fall asleep!

–Blackbird Parlour, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ak

Guy: I'm really into Nijinsky…no homo.

–F Train

Weary looking woman on cell: Six and a half hours of burlesque. I didn't think there was such a thing as too much burlesque…but I thought wrong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McNasty

College girl: And then I would say: "But do you object? Do you object to my vagina dance?"