One-liners

Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know.

–Gramercy Park

Overheard by: POLA

Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Amy

Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!

–Madison Ave & 40th St

Overheard by: Casey

Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.

–University St b/w 8th & Waverly

Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?

–46th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do

20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.

–27th St & Park Ave

Cute, Cuter, Wednesday-One-Linest

Portly young woman browsing dress for herself, nonchalantly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it doesn't come in fat-ass-bitch size.

–Target, Brooklyn

20-something girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wanna punch you in the face!

–135th & 5th

Overheard by: Howzith

Middle-aged woman on cell exiting bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talking to the bus driver–he was really cute!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: B44 rider

Student fundraiser to passerby: Taiwan needs help! Hey, you're cute enough to help Taiwan!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: L-Dubbs

Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter version of this bald guy I slept with in a closet over the summer!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rob Lovett

What's “Wednesday One-Liner,” Anyway?

Earnest sidewalk pollster: Sir? Have you got a minute to talk about the sanitation department? Do you think it's normal?

–51st St & Lexington

Overheard by: jake-e

Conductor, bending down before fainted man: C'mon! Dude! What did I tell you before? Get up and sit down and pass out in the seat like regular normal people. People think you're dead. Get up.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: I guess not a normal person

Girl, during History of Islam class: Miracles show us what's normal and what's, like, super above normal.

–Hunter College

Woman, bending down to adjust child: You have to walk normally now–like a normal person.

–Museum of Natural History

Nerd guy to friend: It wouldn't be child labor. You just hook them up to electrodes, connect them to the the power grid, and have them play on the playground like normal!

–Shuttle to Times Square

We Need to Know Whether to Get Them the Kama Sutra or Some Motor Oil

Guy to girl: We don’t know if they’re sleeping together or just commuting together.

–Cooper Union

Overheard by: V. Johnsen

Wednesday One-liners Swipe Again

Conductor: Attention, passengers. If you’re waiting for the E train, dream on! It isn’t running at all! So get on here and wait for further instructions!

–A train

Overheard by: DJ Ranma S

The People's Republic of Wednesday One-Liners

Wasp woman, looking at Asian Peoples exhibit: Oh, honey, look, that woman looks just like that woman at that Chinese food place we like!

–Museum of Natrual History

Overheard by: Heather

Older man to Chinese friend: You know, Caucasians really can't tell the difference between the Asians and the Chinese.

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: James

Burly bouncer to burnt-out groupie: Don't think of it as a finger, think of it as an Asian penis.

–11th & 3rd

Tourist on cell: I think I'm heading towards Little Italy, but all I see are Chinese people. I feel like fuckin' Marco Polo. Fuck man, where are you? (trips on curb and falls into pile of trash bags)

–Canal St

Giggling 20-something: So we hired a new intern, and she's Asian!

–Murray Hill

Overheard by: sab

The Wednesday One-liners Red Eye

Stewardess lady: If there is a sudden change in cabin pressure, a mask compartment above your seat will open automatically. If this happens, quickly reach for the nearest mask and pull it down firmly. Continue to breathe normally. If you are travelling with a small child, or someone who acts like a small child, please secure your mask and then assist them.

–JFK

Overheard by: Amy

Law and Order and Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: …yeah, and then I got arrested. So what’s up with you?

–Brooklyn Heights

Cop: Man, there’s a lot of Grade A ass out here today!

–Ground Zero

Guy: Don’t feel bad, honey. I’d say that one out of every 8 guys is a convicted arsonist.

–Union Square

Cop: Man, I hate going to the bathroom. You gotta take all this stuff off!

–Barnes & Noble, 22nd Street

Overheard by: Tommy Raiko

Acute Case of Wednesday One-Liners

Female coworker to another: You look so cute! I didn’t recognize you!

–Hudson & Vandam

Buff man carrying small, pink, frilly umbrella: I better not hear anyone call me cute.

–Canal & Mulberry

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Chick on cell: Mom, cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 25-year-old guy fluent in sarcasm. Stop trying to set me up with him.

–Hudson St

Woman looking at Salvador Dali painting: That is so cute!

–Guggenheim Museum

Overheard by: Does she kill puppies for fun?

In the Mood for Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: So, you know, I was just lying there, like with my face to the wall and stuff and he just whips out his dick and starts hitting me in the back of the head with it.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Zac Stone

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