We're All Nine Meals Away from Being Wednesday One-Liners

Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue–one o' Aunt Jemima!"

–Shuttle Train GCT

Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth

Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars!

–Henry St, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Jesse

Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip.

–Deli, 45th & 3rd

Overheard by: LP

Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face!

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Andi C.

Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers!

–34th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Kramer

Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver!

–23rd St & Park Ave

Posted on June 5, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Brooklyn, Clerks, Delis, Family Ties, Food, Girls, Global Geography, Hobos, Homeless, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, One-liners, Panhandling, President, Punch, Questions, Race, Rumor Has It, Sensory Experiences, Statue of Liberty, Strangers, Street, The Village, Trains Not Subway, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?

–6th Ave & 12th

Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!

–N Train

Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.

Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!

–86th & Park Ave

Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you–your ass is broken"?

–1st & 23

Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.

–Bus to Penn Station

Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!

–72nd & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

Posted on June 4, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Cleanliness, Dads, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Friends, Marriage, Metrosexuals, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Queer guys, Questions, Sports, Street, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Tweens, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners Tip the Scales

Chick: So then this huge fat lady with really bad teeth said, “This is the most fabulous party I’ve ever been to,” so I left.

–1st Avenue & 9th Street

Overheard by: Rex Danger

Posted on June 4, 2015
Biotechs, Celebrations/Parties, Diet/Weight, Health and Hygiene, One-liners, Union Square and East Village

I Always Spin a 2, Never Get the Blue Car, and My Peg Always Falls Out.

Hipster: Life is so… boring to me.

–Outside trendy hipster bar

Overheard by: J. Corner

Headline by: RL

Runners-Up:
· “God: Well, You See Jesus, I’m Kinda Glad You Said That Because…” – Sizzle
· “Obviously Hasn’t Tried the New “Coke Zero”” – Leary Blaine
· “That’s Why God Invented Firearms” – astanhope
· “The Sun Is Hot, Water Is Wet, And, Somewhere, a Hipster Is Bored. More at Eleven.” – map
· “Those Skinny Jeans Will Suffocate You Soon Enough” – Mowgli Allagash
· “Who Ordered the Ennui and Tonic?” – brian brinegar
· “You’re Not Exactly a Fireworks Extravaganza Yourself” – Katie Darling

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on June 4, 2015
Depressed, Gripes, Headline Contest Winners, Hipsters, One-liners

It's Wednesday One-Liners, Paleface!

Guy to friend: When Obama wins, I'm going to slap a white person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Lane

Lady getting sprayed with perfume by her friend: Stop. Stop it! You gonna make me smell like white people.

–East Drive, Prospect Park

Overheard by: White smelly jogger

Black gay man sans shirt, upon seeing group of white girls wandering: Oh my god, white girls! Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

–Christopher St

Gentleman walking past Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too restaurant: Man, black people eating tofu, white people eating spoonbread…

–W 110th & Columbus

Gingy, referring to ebony colored condoms: This way, when I fuck a white boy he'll still be black!

–E Broadway 99 Cent Store

Black lady in african garb: Too many white flower! Need more black power! (the only white girl around looks up confusedly, now black lady screams in her face) White flower!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: Ruby

Posted on June 4, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bitch-slap, Black People, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Condoms, Food, Friends, Ghetto Chicks, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Lower East Side, Men, One-liners, Parks, President, Queer guys, Race, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Street, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Alexis

Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Jackie

Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?

–Grand Central Station

Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?

–125th St

Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."

–Bar 9, 54th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!

–L Train

Overheard by: The City Planner

Posted on June 2, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Condoms, Crazies, Free stuff!, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Grand Central, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Passengers, Poop, Preachers, Race, Street, Train Station, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

The Wasteland Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to security guard: We're not fucking tourists, man, we're just trying to get back to our home in Jersey.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Metrosexual guy: There are two kinds of people I will never, ever, date. One are people who are culturally ignorant. The second is people from New Jersey.

–45th & 5th

Overheard by: Mr. Pink

Proper British woman to loud drunk guy: Go back to Jersey!

–BB King Concert, Christ United Church

Overheard by: bb

Uptight 40-something white guy: I can't wait to get safely back in New Jersey!

–A Train

Overheard by: JoshBob

Posted on June 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, B & T, Brits, Drunks, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Metrosexuals, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Port Authority, Security Guards, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, White People

Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know.

–Gramercy Park

Overheard by: POLA

Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Amy

Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!

–Madison Ave & 40th St

Overheard by: Casey

Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.

–University St b/w 8th & Waverly

Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?

–46th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do

20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.

–27th St & Park Ave

Posted on June 1, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Asians, Ass, Bryant Park, Dreams, Family Ties, Insults, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Sex, Street, Suits, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Cute, Cuter, Wednesday-One-Linest

Portly young woman browsing dress for herself, nonchalantly: Oh, this is cute, but too bad it doesn't come in fat-ass-bitch size.

–Target, Brooklyn

20-something girl to boyfriend: Oh my god, you are so cute I just wanna punch you in the face!

–135th & 5th

Overheard by: Howzith

Middle-aged woman on cell exiting bus: You have a blessed day! (to phone) No, not you! I was talking to the bus driver–he was really cute!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: B44 rider

Student fundraiser to passerby: Taiwan needs help! Hey, you're cute enough to help Taiwan!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: L-Dubbs

Cute blonde to friend at gym: Oh my god! Look! That looks like a cuter version of this bald guy I slept with in a closet over the summer!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Rob Lovett

Posted on May 31, 2015
Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Bus Drivers, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Gyms, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Height, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Punch, Sex, Shopping, Store, Strangers, Street, Students, The Village, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

What's “Wednesday One-Liner,” Anyway?

Earnest sidewalk pollster: Sir? Have you got a minute to talk about the sanitation department? Do you think it's normal?

–51st St & Lexington

Overheard by: jake-e

Conductor, bending down before fainted man: C'mon! Dude! What did I tell you before? Get up and sit down and pass out in the seat like regular normal people. People think you're dead. Get up.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: I guess not a normal person

Girl, during History of Islam class: Miracles show us what's normal and what's, like, super above normal.

–Hunter College

Woman, bending down to adjust child: You have to walk normally now–like a normal person.

–Museum of Natural History

Nerd guy to friend: It wouldn't be child labor. You just hook them up to electrodes, connect them to the the power grid, and have them play on the playground like normal!

–Shuttle to Times Square

Posted on May 29, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Classroom, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Death, Friends, Girls, Hunter, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Museum of Natural History, Nerds, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Politicians, Politics, Public Transportation, Questions, Religion, School and studying, Street, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women