Wednesday One-Liners Snort When They Laugh

Guy to self: Doctor Jean Grey has the most powerful orgasm of all the X-Men.

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: Stan

Engineering school chick, screaming: And I was like, ‘Oh my god, this is the worst protractor ever!’

–Columbia University

Skanky hipster chick to another: I would totally do him… But only if I had the ninja outfit on.

–Ludlow St.

[Four NYPD cops are checking people’s bags at rush hour. A man in a suit appears to be their superior.]Man in suit: But then he realizes that Jedis don’t seek revenge. [The four cops all nod gravely.]

–W 4th St Subway Station

Overheard by: KL

Fiftyish suit: Chewbacca, the original wingman…

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Ike

Woman on cell: I’m busy. I’ve got things to do. And right now what I’m doing is looking at comic books.

–Forbidden Planet

Overheard by: Josh

Chick: We were always competing to be chief geek… But he had asperger’s, so he won.

–Central Park

Posted on May 14, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Central Park, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Leisure, On Cell, Orgasm, Parks, Penn Station, Psychology, Sorority Girls, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, The Village, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Hey, Ethan Hawke’s Made a Career Out of That

Flyer guy, after trying to give suit a flyer: Hey man, nice tie.
Suit turns around: Thanks! Nice! [Looks flyer guy up and down.] Actually, you look like shit.

–71st & Continental, Forest Hills

Posted on May 12, 2008
Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Etiquette, Flyer people, Insults, Nice People, Physical appearance, Queens, Street, Suits

Send in the Wednesday One-Liners

Ghetto kid at a carnival: Man, that wasn’t no clown. That was just someone dressed like a clown!

–P.S. 218, The Bronx

Overheard by: Children are the future

Fourteen-year-old black girl to friend: You should have thrown a brick at a clown and seen the blood. You would have loved that.

–7th Ave Street Fair, Park Slope

Overheard by: send in the clowns

Little girl, pointing at obvious pimp: Look mommy, look! A clown!

–Brooklyn

Janitor to clown post-show: Everybody loves clowns. Even Bill Gates!

–Barnum & Bailey Circus

Slightly crazed looking man to well-dressed blonde chick: For $300 you’ll get a clown and a playboy bunny!

–E4th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: I might consider paying up

Posted on April 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Park Slope, Physical appearance, Street, Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Tourist Attractions, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness

Hell Hath No Fury Like Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy church lady into microphone: There are no drugs, sex, or rock n’ roll in hell. Repent and have your fill in heaven.

–42nd & 6th Subway Station

Overheard by: Tony

Train "preacher" holding his bible: Adam was the first black man! And Eve was the first white woman! And Adam sinned and got them kicked out of the Garden of Eden. Then they had a whole lot of brown babies! But they set the stage for black men and white women. That’s why you have Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton running for President today! It’s in the bible!

–2 Train

Preacher: We’ve got a lot of tourists here today and we know why you came -you want to see a black gospel church. And that’s okay, that’s okay! That’s what we are. And you know, some of our members, they do it tough. Why, they come from such rough neighbourhoods as Connecticut and upstate New York …

–Abyssinian Baptist Church, Harlem

Bible thumper: You need a ticket to get on the heaven-bound train! And the ticket is Jesus Christ.

–3 Train

Street preacher: … And what is good for the goose is good for the gander! And what is a gander, anyway?

–St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on April 23, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Christianity, Crazies, Drugs, God Squad, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Politics, Preachers, President, Questions, Race, Sex, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tourism, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are No Longer Considered a Planet

Girl, to boyfriend: And that’s why you can never trust the emotions or actions of someone whose star sign is ruled by mars.

–20th & 7th

Overheard by: ALR

Barista to waiter: I don’t mind that I spent $130 on a pair of Oakleys cause I can look at the sun for a while and it won’t hurt my eyes.

–Long Island Railroad

Overheard by: Chris K.

Baby boomer hippie to college student: Dude, I just got me some of that Afghani shit. Took me to the mooooooon and back, baby!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Summer

Doonesbury looking dude: Imagine what life would be like without the sun.

–40th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Ledbetter

Girl, being shaken awake by friend: But Rachel, where are you going to put the black hole?

–A Train

Bum on street, to several protesters passing by in pure white bio-hazard suits: Aw… You people wait right there, I’m a run and get some cigarettes then I’m comin’ to the moon with ya’ll. Seriously… Wait.

–45 & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Comack

Posted on April 23, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astronomy, Baristas, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Hippies, Homeless, Long Island, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Shopping, Street, Trains Not Subway, Washington Square Park, Weed, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Between Jobs

Homeless man, to toddler: Can I get a high-five?
[Toddler high-fives homeless man.]Homeless man: Can I get a dollar?

–D Train

Overheard by: sara

Shivering bum: Yo, can you guys help me out? Otherwise I’m gonna sing a song and I don’t wanna hurt your ears.

–N 7th & Bedford

Black homeless man: Excuse me… Can anyone help a broke nigga get his eat on?

–6 Train

Bum: Dollar for your favorite bum?

–Lafayette & E. 4th St

Bum, approaching another bum standing in the only two square feet of sunlit space for many blocks: Yeahh! You found the spot!

–Financial District

Overheard by: nunya

Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I’m homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I’m working, man, what’s up?

–Q Train

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Homeless, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Panhandling, Race, Singing, Street, The Village, Threats, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weather, West Village, Words

You Know Those Girls Who Just Make Shit Up About People?

Young girl playing with blocks at a doctor’s waiting room: And my teacher is mad gay. Mad gay.
Mother: Why do you say that?
Young girl: He just is. And like, whatever. I don’t care about gay people, but like I don’t want a gay teacher. And what’s even worse: He’s a virgin.
Mother: Lot’s of people are virgins, sweetie.
Young girl: Whatever, that’s just pathetic.

–Coney Island Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on April 20, 2008
Brooklyn, Default, Education, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Insults, Kids, Moms, Street, Virginity

Now That’s Comedy

Tourist to comedy show hawker: Knock-knock.
Comedy show hawker: Um… Who’s there?
Tourist: I hate comedy. [He walks away.]

–Times Square

Posted on April 18, 2008
Default, Flyer people, Questions, Street, Times Square, Tourists, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities

Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It’s just very New York, you know?

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Kate

White Girl: I’m leaving this city, it’s all just bed bugs and bad drugs.

–Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Zach

Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk… In DC, you don’t.

–1 Train

Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".

–49th & 1st

Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can’t handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Bunk Moreland

Posted on April 16, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Sexuality, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater & Dance, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Travel, U.S. Geography, Waitresses, Weirdness, White People, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!

–Battery Park

NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.

–NYU Bus

AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!

–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park

Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!

–43rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Dan J

Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!

–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City

Posted on April 16, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Booty Call, Celebrations/Parties, Crazies, Fears, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, News, Nicknames & name calling, NYU, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Bus, Orgy, Pictures, Politics, President, Prostitution, Queens, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Time, Women, Words