Street

Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities

Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It’s just very New York, you know?

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Kate

White Girl: I’m leaving this city, it’s all just bed bugs and bad drugs.

–Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Zach

Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk… In DC, you don’t.

–1 Train

Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".

–49th & 1st

Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can’t handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Bunk Moreland

Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!

–Battery Park

NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.

–NYU Bus

AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!

–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park

Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!

–43rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Dan J

Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!

–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City

That Cat’s Gonna Get a Good Talking-to When I Get Home

Girl #1: He says he’s not hitting on me. I want to believe him.
Girl #2: Honey, if he licks the back of your neck so that you shiver, he’s hitting on you.
Girl #1: That’s a good point.

–E 64th St

Overheard by: interested…

Wednesday One-Liners for the Polyglots

Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chinatown

Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cassandra

Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!

–New School

The Shameless Name Dropping Of Wednesday One-Liners

Elegant lady on cell: I’m a powerful influence on the Kennedys.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Fat black man to white man who breaks his umbrella while trying to help him open it: Aw, hells no. Don’t make me go all Britney Spears on yo’ ass.

–Duane Reade, 57th & Broadway

Chick, to guy: Danny Pintauro hit on you at a leather club?

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ladle

Professor to class: … The ark of the covenant gone, only to be found by Harrison Ford later on.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Krisztina

Barista to meathead: … That’s the thing about Drew Bledsoe. He smokes a lot of marijuana.

–11th & Bedford

NYU girl: I want to be Patrick Dempsey! So I could fuck myself!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Maya G.

Suit on cell: Dude, you’re dating Sigourney Weaver? Right now? Dude, are you kissing her? Are you grabbing her ass? Does she still have an ass at this point?

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ken

He Kinda Gets Off on the Rugburn

Professional woman #1: He’s great, he doesn’t mind my excess body hair.
Professional woman #2: Good men are so hard to find.

–48th St between 5th & 6th

Not Even If I Gave It a Little Doorag?

Little boy: Daddy, daddy! I wanna make a bear!
Buff dad: Nigga, I done told you a thousand times, thugs don’t make bears! [Tiny black boy bursts into tears.]

–Outside of Build a Bear Workshop, at 6th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Becca

Did You Even Read the Sign I Was Waving by the Side of the Road?

30-ish suit: I don’t think you really like me, just the *idea* of me. You know, I come off great at parties, and I make a lot of money, but really…
20-something hippie girl: Wait, wait…I just wanted easy sex.

–Union Square

It’s a Real One-Traffic-Light Town

Blonde with group of tourists: Is New Jersey that way? [Points toward the west.]New Yorker: Yes, but there’s a river between here and there.
Blonde with group of tourists: You mean we can’t walk there?
New Yorker: Not really.
Blonde with group of tourists: Damn girls, what are we going to do tonight? We can’t go to Jersey and there’s nothing to do in New York.

–40th & 6th

Overheard by: Jersey, the state that never sleeps.

Will She Do an Inverted 4-G Dive at 2 Meters?

Queer #1: That guy’s kinda cute.
Queer #2: Dude, that’s a dyke…there’s a whole contingent of dykes that strive for the Tom-Cruise-from-Top-Gun look.

–10th St & Ave A

Overheard by: paulie

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