Please Pick Up After Your Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy guy with black Labrador (angrily): Why didn't you say anything? I thought you were my friend.

–3rd & Sullivan

Overheard by: Sizzle

Middle aged Rastafari to Labrador: This isn't a chew toy, motherfucker!

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Sarah

Man to small puppy: You're so round and furry, aren't you Oscar? You're like a Mexican!

–Fordham Road

Old lady with tiny dog: Sparky, I really don't want to be in here.

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Ave

Woman to dog: Oh, rolling onto your back again, are you? Just like the slutty girl at prom…

–Extra Virgin Restaurant, The Village

Overheard by: wink

(crazy hobo walks up to little girl's dog and picks it up)
Crazy homeless man (shouting in the dog's face): I would name you snowball, but you're brown!

–Tompkins Square Park

Posted on September 3, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Friendship, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Men, Museum of Natural History, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, Questions, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, The Bronx, The Village, Union Square and East Village, We Love Our Pets, Women

Oh Wait– This Map Is Upside Down

Preppy girl #1: No, like…uptown is the new downtown.
Preppy girl #2: No, I know. It so is.

–Bowery & Thompson

Posted on September 1, 2008
Default, NYC Geography, Preppies, The Village, Words

Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners

Man: So I was making out with my ex girlfriend on the bridge and out of nowhere this dog runs over and starts humping my leg…

–Uptown 1 Train

Dude outside bar: All dogs are gay.

–7th Avenue, Park Slope

Overheard by: The Katie

Black man arguing with kiosk man: Yo, he ain't my son, he's my dog!

–6th Street

Middle-aged woman walking her dog to passersby: I'm a dog! I don't know why none of you believe me! I talk to my dog. Humans don't talk to animals, animals talk to animals! I'm not human! And until you people realize that, you're going to keep having problems with me!

–9th St & University Place

Overheard by: Katie

Drunk guy to girls walking puppy: Hey giiirl. Watch yo dawg. Giiirl! Watch yo dog… Cuz I might bite!

–Staten Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Izzy

(teacher's cell rings)
Teacher: I have a feeling I have to answer this. It's very important. It's about my puppy.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: student

Posted on August 27, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Black People, Crazies, Crazy, Customers, Drunks, Family Ties, Fears, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Men, On the Subway, Park Slope, Sexuality, Staten Island, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Threats, We Love Our Pets, Women

Ad: Still the Healthiest Thing You Can Buy at McDonald's

(man is eating, drug dealer sits at his table)
Dealer: An eight ball, right?
(man's cell rings, he answers)
Man (into cell): I'm… at the gym. (pause) Yeah, and this call has made me one of those annoying people on the phone at the treadmills. I'll call you later. (to dealer) Yeah, an eight ball.

–McDonald's, The Village

Overheard by: soccerboy

Posted on August 24, 2008
Customers, Default, Druggies, Drugs, Lies, Men, Offers and requests, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Vendors & Street Performers

Flushed and Slurring Wednesday One-Liners

Female baggage handler to male colleague: I don't drink tequila no more. That's how I got my first kid.

–LaGuardia Airport

Very impressed girl on cell: Whoa! You actually remembered her name this time? Were you not drunk?

–12th St & University Place

Overheard by: Mr. Hedge

Seemingly sober grad student: Let's face it. We'll be drunk in (checks watch) fifteen minutes.

–Fayerweather Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

NYC police officer: How hard can it be to find a drunk person on this floor?

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Vanessa

Girl with drink, to friends: This will have to be my last one, guys, I have to go babysit.

–Greenwich Ave & Charles Street

Overheard by: Jodi

Posted on August 20, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Cops, Coworkers, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, Port Authority, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Students, The Village, Time, Women

They Rent Out Kids for Precisely That Purpose

Girl: He sucks at his job. How does he not get fired?
Friend: He probably uses the kid card.
Girl: The what?
Friend: You know, the “Oh, look at my kid!”

–Astor Place & Broadway

Overheard by: christine y0

Posted on August 17, 2008
Default, Friends, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Questions, The Village

Oh Yeah? Then How'd I Get That Job in Biotech?

Thug #1: Yo, I can't wait for Obama to win the election, yo! He gonna make white people illegal!
Thug #2 (stopping dead in his tracks): You one ignorant muthafucka, ain't you?

–The Village

Posted on August 16, 2008
Default, Insults, Politics, President, Race, The Village, Thugs

Suddenly, I'm Galvanized by a Jolt of Pop Culture Goodness

Gay guy: Ugh, I can't stand these small theaters. They're so cramped and sweaty, and the seats are too small.
Girl: Whatever, you're just being a snob.
Gay guy: Yeah well, maybe I've just paid my dues long enough in this city to feel above this scene. I don't think…
Girl (interrupts): Oh my god, Mandy Moore just walked in.
Gay guy (gasps and whips around): Mandy Moore?! Where?!

–Cherry Lane Theater

Posted on August 14, 2008
About Celebrities, Default, Girls, Gripes, Queer guys, The Village, Theater

The Wednesday Bone's Connected to the One-Liner Bone…

20-something girl: I don't let people with toes like that into my bed!

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: insizlane

Old man on cell: Just tell her to go to Duane Reade and get that shit that puts your urethra to sleep.

–East Village

Overheard by: doctors are so jaded

Woman: My son has a perfect head, it's not flat on no sides.

–44 Bus, Staten Island

(man comes over and pushes down everyone's safety bar)
Woman: My uterus just came out of my vagina.

–Coney Island Cyclone

Guy on cell: …and it's just not Sunday unless you've had your finger in someone.

–Houston & Macdougal

Overheard by: Lish

Posted on August 13, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Coney Island, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Men, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, Physical appearance, Sexuality, Staten Island, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Weirdness, Women

An Epidemic Of Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged white guy to younger black woman: Just leave them a message that's like "I woke up from my coma, don't worry. Not that you were worried anyway."

–Nederlander Theater

Overheard by: julia

Girl to friend: Everything was fine until I found out about the warts.

–Broadway & Waverly

Man to friends: All I know is that I was leaving town the next day, so I told her to take some Pepto-Bismol or Robitussin or whatever because I was gettin' some that night for sure!

–Bodega, 22nd St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Doug Tischler

Teenage black girl, within a group of friends: Them kids with autism, they be havin' mad skills!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: r. faith

Male yuppie: If she comes back with cold sores, I'll know who to go to.

–San Domenico Restaurant, East 26th St

Girl: Rabies is my biggest enemy.

–Bellerose, Queens

Posted on August 13, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Village, Theater, Threats, White People, Yuppies