All Wednesday One-Liners

Don’t Hate Wednesday, Hate the One-Liners

Guy with headphones to passerby in the rain: I hate that umbrella! I’m gonna break that umbrella! I’m gonna knock that umbrella out of your hands!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Letting go of the umbrella

Teen boy to another teen boy: I really hate my mom because she grounds me all the time, that’s why I got grounded.

–B44 bus, Nostrand Ave & Ave Y

Overheard by: o_O

JAP: And so he was like, ‘Wanna go make out?’ and I was like, ‘Okay,’ so we did and that was fun or whatever, but I don’t know… We don’t actually like each other at all, we really can’t stand each other.

–The Tea Lounge, 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: mortalfool411

Black female after being insulted by a Black male clerk in a store: I hate Black people.

–Graham Avenue, Brooklyn

Suit: Fuckin’ guy, that fuckin’ attorney. I hate him. I hate ’em all. Myself too, I shouldn’t have gone to law school. He probably hates himself, unless he’s too fuckin’ stupid to regret it. We’re all a bunch of miserable self-loathing fucks, nobody likes attorneys.

–J & R, Park Row

Crazy yelling bitch: He’s a hater, I’m telling you he’s a fucking hater! What? No I fucking hate him.

–33rd & 8th

Overheard by: devila

Girl on cell: What? With pills? Why’d he do that? Because everyone hates him?

–62nd & 2nd

Overheard by: Ralph

Wednesday Om-Liners

Earth chick on cell: I had meditation and yoga class today. So, if you're coming over tonight we have to have spiritual sex.

–Barnes & Noble

Guy on cell: You're never going to believe this, but I need to tell you anyways. I just did some witchcraft.

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Smoking Student

Yoga teacher: Not being able to do something can teach you a lot about yourself. Like how you're a fucking loser.

–Midtown

Rich white girl with dog in purse: Yeah, so when I went to go buy a dog, I picked Pookie out because he's a Pisces and I'm a Virgo, and that way our personalities will match.

–C Train

Overheard by: evan

White dude to another: I'd like to see what his chi looks like.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Aileen

Wednesday One-Liners Done a Bad, Bad Thing

Woman on cell: I don’t know if my horoscope is about my husband or my boyfriend.

–19th St & Park Ave South

Overheard by: Jenny

Guy on cell: If I fuck another woman in the ass, that’s not, like, really cheating, is it? I mean, it’s just her ass. Shit comes out of there. It’s less personal than the twat… You don’t think so?

–Court St, Boro Hall, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Chick on cell: How do I hide a hickey? I’m hiding it from my boyfriend… No, it’s not from him… No, not from him either… I’ll tell you later, I promise… Yes, I know I have a problem — it is big and red and on my neck and I do not need lectures right now. I need to figure out if I am ‘Creamy Ivory’ or ‘Tawny Honey’!

–Rite-Aid, 40th St & Broadway

Ghetto girl to boyfriend: It’s not cheating — they’re in entertainment.

–63rd & Amsterdam

Old Irish guy: That’s why Jesus died for our sins, ’cause he knew we’d be out with other women.

–Midtown Union Bar, 44th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Danny Lynch

Business chick: So, then, I really don’t consider it cheating, because it happened before the whole Santa thing.

–49th & Broadway

Overheard by: what the hell is going on??

Guy on phone: Look, I know she was my girlfriend when we were in high school… Yeah, yeah, I know it’s been 20 years — of course people change… Two kids ain’t that bad… I know she married, but you don’t get it — she does yoga. Have you ever banged a chick that’s done yoga? Look, man, she does the handstand thing… I know I’m going to hell… Or her husband will catch us first. Haha, do you really think anyone is listening to this shit? No. And if they are, who the hell are they going to tell?

–7 train

Wednesday One-Liners Send Up a Flare

Old lady on cell: Hello? Hello? Yes! I’m here! In Brooklyn!

–Broadway & Fulton

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Wigger on cell: Yo, Roove, I’m at Pimp Station.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Dude on cell: Hey, I’m in New York City. Do you know of any ATMs around New York?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: The Doifter

Girl on cell: Hi, can you hear me? I’m in New York. Yeah, I’m at Macy’s.

–H&M, 34th St

Woman on cell: You’re in the park near the benches? There are tons of benches… That’s like saying you’re in Detroit and you’re near the drugs and violence.

–Washington Square Park

Lady on cell: Uh, yeah… I think I’m in the Empire State Building.

–Observation deck, Empire State Building

Middle-aged woman on cell, picking up after her dog: Actually, I’m in Palm Springs at the moment — I’ll be here for another week.

–Mercer & Spring

Overheard by: Wish I were in Palm Springs

These Are My Wednesday One-Liners, in Whom I Am Well-Pleased

Seated proselytizer: Jesus walked through walls without using the door, and when Jesus touches you, he is inside you and you become like Jesus. So, if you do something to me, I don’t need the police. I can just come to your house, because I can get in without keys.

–1 train

Overheard by: thaler

Mexican preacher: Statistics show one in one person will die.

–Times Square

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Religious nut: You have to accept God! His holy grace! His saving grace! He’s got all kinds of grace!

–Grand Central

Bible-thumper: There’s no way if you wrap citric acid, cola, and carbonation in aluminum foil and stick in in the fridge for a million years it’s ever going to evolve into a Coke!

–Tompkins Square Park

Preacher: The best thing you can have on your resume when you die is not that you went to Harvard, not that you have a Ph.D., but that you have eternal life.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: God requires a resume?

Wednesday One-Liners Take Advantage Of Medicare While They Still Can

Blonde on cell: So it was either an ambulance or a taqueria.

–Times Square

Girl on cell: What? What!? Go to the hospital. Go to the hospital! Please. Why? Because when you get stabbed you go to the hospital, you don’t go and lay down.

–Jersey Transit

Thug, in a rush: Look, I don’t give a fuck! I just want Medicaid!

–13th & 3rd

Disgruntled male gynecologist: We’re the bastard stepchildren of the surgery world. General surgeons barely think we’re human. "Oh, don’t get up, it’s just a gynecologist." I could have been a general surgeon, a plastic surgeon, a dentist, a lawyer… I’d be making more money, too. My brother’s cat needed a caesarian section and the vet got paid more than I get paid to do a caesarian section!

–Gynecology Office, 32nd & Madison

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl on cell: I told you I was sick and needed to go to the doctor’s! I can’t even swallow! I tried food, water and liquids!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ross

Chick in scrubs (lighting cigarette) to friend in scrubs: My heart rate won’t go down!

–113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: McFreaky

Love is Strange, Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: …and she says, “If you cheat on me, you’ll die, and go to hell and burn.” So I say, “There’s no way I’m going to hell for a bitch. Cause there’s too many of them!”

–Lafayette & Fulton, Brooklyn

Construction worker: Yeah man, I just raw dogged her and ditched!

–Grand & Ludlow

Man on cell: How’s the birthday?…Yeah, big 5-0 for me….Well, I ditched the wife, make more money, and have a 33 year old girlfriend. That’s 50 for ya.

–N train

Overheard by: Doug Gaeta

Guy: Is that her panties or his sock he’s sniffing?

–Mary Boone Gallery, W. 24th Street

Overheard by: Captive 411

Bike girl on cell: Hey, this is Tammy. Yet again you were in my dream. It involved fucking. Call me back.

–Prospect Park

Hipster: Nothing says “I love you” like a cactus.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: kath williams

Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow

Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!

–13th St

Overheard by: questioning the physics

Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!

–84th & Amsterdam Ave

One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Dan

High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.

–72nd St & Broadway

20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.

–Ess-A-Bagel

Overheard by: Emma

NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo

Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: ttny

Wednesday One-liners’ Scenes from The City

Woman: That’s the way New York is; it’s a contact sport.

–Penn Station

She’s Trying to Tell You Something, Wednesday One-liners

Girl: If you ever make me sleep in an ATM vestibule again, I am so dumping you.

–Grand Central

Woman on cell: Yeah, sure, go ahead and break my heart, but don’t keep my CDs.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

Crying woman on cell: No, I don’t want to do it with you. I just want the money!

–66th & Columbus

Overheard by: Charlie

Chick on cell: Yeah, I was there like you said but he wasn’t there. You said he’d be there!…Well, fuck you too! I’m going to kill you when I get home you motherfuckin’ bastard! You better say goodbye to your balls!…What?…Yeah. Sure. I’m up for some Chinese later…Bye baby…I love you too, pumpkin.

–Canal & West Broadway

Cashier guy: I told you I have a girlfriend, that’s why my face is all scratched up.”

–Home Depot, 59th Street

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist