I'd Love To, Baby, but My Wednesday One-Liner Won't Let Me Date

Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table–I mean, uh…my food.

–F Train

Overheard by: penelope

Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.

–Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Matt

Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.

–A Train

Overheard by: Suzi

Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"

–Grand Concourse

Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life…over there, save your wife!

–Radio City Music Hall

Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Amina

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Brooklyn, Compliments, Conductors, Cops, Food, Friends, Infidelity, Insults, Laundromat, Love, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Rockefeller Center, Sex, Stab, Strangers, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Theater, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Have You Ever Considered Modeling, Wednesday One-Liner?

Man walking in to immigration center to immigration security guard: You look very elegant today.

–Immigration Application Support Center, Queens

Lady: Oh my gosh, Casey looks so good! You would never know that he's blind!

–W 20th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Katie AK

Slightly tipsy elderly suit: Do you know where I can find a beautiful woman? Someone to spend the rest of my life with?

–Metropolitan Museum Info Desk

A Capella group leader, walking into train: Ladies and gentlemen, happy Thursday. We are a Doo Whop group and we are here to entertain you. If you like what you hear, show us some love. If you are miserable, hell, add more fiber to your diet. This Sunday, we will be saluting the best-looking people on the subway. Have a fiberrific day!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Em Allears

Ghetto black chick after someone took a picture of her: Did you get all the beautifulness?

–Saks Fifth Avenue

Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Diet/Weight, Food, Ghetto Chicks, Handicaps, Love, Men, Musicians, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Pictures, Queens, Questions, Security Guards, Singing, Store, Strangers, Suits, The Met, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Gotta Keep One Thing About Me Squeaky Clean

French lady: Yes, I was married. We met at a cafe. It was love at first sight. So we got married. But I always knew there was another woman. He had another family. This other woman…
American lady friend, interrupting: Would you like some almonds?
French lady: No, I just brushed my teeth.

–Lincoln Plaza Cinemas

Posted on February 17, 2009
Cleanliness, Foreigners, Infidelity, Love, Marriage, Movie Theaters, Offers and requests, Only in New York, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

A Wednesday One-Liner by Any Other Word Would Smell As Sweet

Sikh guy: I know a guy from high school who wore a name tag for eight years.

–W 4th St

Man on cell: You know, what's-her-face, she's friends with what's-her-name in HR.

–54th & 6th

Aging Guido: So there was this girl, I loved her, what was her name? Oh right, Nina. She lived in this fucked-up place. She said she had one kid, I went over one time, there were like three. Anyway, one time she was all like, "could I get three thousand pesos?" or whatever, and I was like, "Sure, if I get to fuck you and your friend!"

–1 Train

Mother to whiny brunette daughter: If you don't stop complaining I'm going to change your name. (pause) Yes, I'm going to change your name to Merlot, and your sister will be Chardonnay.

–61st & Madison

Overheard by: nancy

Small girl to unsuspecting male stranger: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! (indicating mother) Her name's Sophia.

–M 96 Bus

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Friendship, Guidos, India Indians, Kids, Love, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Names, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, Strangers, Street, The Village, Time, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Because You Steal Kids from Orphanages?

Jewish girl: That reminds me of this old Jewish story. Like, there was this queen with seven sons and she had to decide which one would be king, so she told all of them to go bring her a great treasure and they all came back with like gold and jewels but then the youngest one came back with this little orphan girl and he's like “Oh, she just needs love,” so the mom is like, “yes, you shall be king!”
(entire class is silent)
Random guy: Wait…what?
Jewish boy: This is why we're oppressed.

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on January 23, 2009
Family Ties, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Love, Stuyvesant, Weirdness

Tonight, on Sleaze & the City…

Flashy creepster to blonde: Look at me. (she doesn't) Look at me. (she doesn't) Look at me. (she does) You should be careful. It's a big city.
New-in-town blonde girl: After what I just went through I'm just going to have five boyfriends.
Flashy creepster: I'm telling you. You should be careful. It's a big city. Not everyone is good.
New-in-town blonde girl: I was having a good time, and then I fell and love and got burned.
Flashy creepster (menacing): I'm telling you. Not everyone is good.
New-in-town blonde girl: I'm just who I am. If you can't handle me…
Flashy creepster: Oh, I can handle you. I can handle you very well.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: jbrizzle

Posted on January 12, 2009
Creepsters, Girls, Love, Pick-up Lines, Relationships, Starbucks, Talking/Convos, Weirdness

Which Is Full Of Men I'd Fuck

Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.
Skinny Asian guy: I don't think he's the best, but he's pretty good.
Attractive, tall guy: He's no Joe Montana.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: That's bullshit, he's the best ever, and you can't really argue that point. Just look at how many touchdowns he has.
Skinny Asian guy: Man, you are in love with him, it's a little scary.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston (completely serious): I am, I would totally let him fuck me if he would let me hang out with him…I would be the man.
Skinny Asian guy: I thought you were straight?
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Fuck you! I am straight but that doesn't mean I can't bang Tom Brady. I wouldn't give him oral though, I don't think.
Overweight Hispanic guy drinking appletini: Football sucks compared to soccer.

–45th & Madison

Posted on January 8, 2009
Asians, BJs, Compare/Contrast, Fat People, Football, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Insults, Latinos, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Sex, Skinny People, Weirdness

Did You Spring for a Frosty?

Teen girl on cell: Did you take her to Wendy's or a restaurant? (pause) Aww…you love her!

–Diner, 14th St

Overheard by: Bess

Posted on December 20, 2008
Food, Junk Food & Fast Food, Love, On Cell, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens

Wednesday One-Liners, Actually

Homeless guy hugging another: I love you, old school! You got a cigarette?

–14th St & 8th Ave

Drunk, fighting with another and punching phone booth: I will fuck you up, man! I love you, man!

–E 11th St & 9th Ave

Sloppy drunk dial outside gay club: I love you so fuckin much, mom…like…*more* than Anna Nicole!

–Valda, Gay Bar, NYC

Female NYU student: You don't love Joe Biden as much as I do. Dude, Joe Biden is awesome! He should be gay!

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Overheard by: Blair

Guy leaning against light post, to girlfriend: Listen, I love you…but you're so fucking mean.

–47th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: J&J

Posted on December 17, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Girlfriends, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, Offers and requests, One-liners, Politics, Relationships, Smoking, Students, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Do It Via Text

Girl on cell: My ex-boyfriend used to call the subway "The MTA," and I was like, "Yeah…this isn't working out."

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I would've dumped him too

Teenager on cell: If, hypothetically, what we had been doing was dating, then technically, hypothetically, he just broke up with me. Fucking douche.

–Finacial District

Cute girl: Don't you know the rules of break-ups? You have to clean out the drawer. You can't bring old lube to a new relationship.

–Essex & Grand

Overheard by: yaletownkid

Guy to friend: So you're telling me that I broke up with her because of lube?

–Park Slope

Guy on cell: Look, I know I said "forever." It's not your fault! To be honest, I just never really liked you that much!

–West 4th St. Subway Entrance

Preppy boy: That was the worst part about breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. She got a 50% discount at Polo!

–Bloomingdale's

Posted on December 17, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Dating, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Love, Lower East Side, Lube, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Penn Station, Preppies, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Store, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words