Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards

Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.

–PATH Train

Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.

–E 11th St

Overheard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!

–Bedford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Borders, Wall St

Overheard by: step

Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Outside Barrymore Theatre

Overheard by: Pasta…Salad

Posted on May 13, 2021
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Black People, Boyfriends, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Gossip, Guys, Insults, Movies, Music, Myspace, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Politics, Race, Sports, Store, Suits, Theater, Trains Not Subway, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, West Village

Wednesday, with a One-Liner Chaser

Female day-drinking tourist: Oh shit, I left my vodka in the church!

–Outside Trinity Church

Man on cell: If it's possible to ferment it, we have fermented it.

–7th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Middle-aged man to younger man: You know how cats and dogs–they eat and then they go? In one end and out the other. I'm like that. My bladder has room for the equivalent of one good cocktail.

–10th Ave and W 50th St

Overheard by: Ah….middle age

Commuter at 8 am: Beer. Beer.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: baconista

Old drunk walking into a liquor store, to clerk: Have you got my prescription?

–Broadway & 106th St

Overheard by: rickbruner

Posted on April 13, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Church, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Food, Gay Man's Best Friend, Grand Central, Height, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Passengers, Questions, Store, Street, Stupidity, Tourism, Tourists, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

Posted on March 23, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Conductors, Gossip, Gripes, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Sex, Store, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Kristen

20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.

–L Train

Overheard by: I agree…

Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & Noble Cafe

Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Penny

Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Uptown 4 Train

Posted on March 19, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Christians, Conductors, Football, Girlfriends, Gripes, Guys, Insults, Jesus, Kids, Laughter, Mets, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Subway conductors, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Yankees

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty

Girl to friend: I wonder what’s the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Overheard by: NTA

Guy talking to his friend: I don’t believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.

–2nd St & Ave B

Overheard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial

Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]

–1 Train

Overheard by: Subway rider

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it’s like an emotional highway.

–Columbia University Campus

Overheard by: Alina

College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!

–Broome St

Overheard by: YJL

Posted on March 14, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Comedians, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Sorority Girls, Stupidity, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Words

Wheeling and Dealing (A NYC Short Story)

Chick on cell: …girl, you know I told her I would give her $5 and she would put in five. Right, so the guy gave us two dimes, right?… No, he gave us the second one for free, but it looked mangled, so then we went out back to smoke it and hers flew away…Yeah, it flew away into the bushes. Yo, I told her if she wanted to smoke grass for reals, that’s on her. I was like, I’m out…Right, so then I didn’t have no money to get back on the bus because my metrocard ran out at 8:30. She only had a dollar, and I was like, “what am I supposed to do with a dollar?”.

–BX40 bus

Posted on January 30, 2021
On Cell, On the Bus, Weed

This One Refuses to Come Out and Go Fetch Me a Beer

Pregnant woman on cell: I'd love to have another baby with him, but did you know he got two different girls pregnant in one year? (later in the conversation) Mmm-hmm, I know. Kids are annoying!

–7-Eleven

Overheard by: Jeffrey Rice

Posted on January 29, 2021
Grocery Stores, Kids, On Cell, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control

Think of the Starving Baby Birds in Africa

Guy on cell: Yeah…right…uh huh…hold on a second.

He leans over and throws up on the sidewalk.

Guy on cell: What were you saying?

–59th & 5th

Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard

Woman #1: I wanna get really stoned so I can throw up.
Woman #2: Why?
Woman #1: Just to know I can.

–LIRR

Girl: I want to throw up. Like, I have some puke in the back of my throat.

–Broadway & West 4th

Overheard by: Julia

Posted on January 6, 2021
Bimbettes, Friends, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Talking/Convos, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Vomit, Weed

Wednesday One-Liners Go for the Jugular

Slutty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I've been shitting blood for two days.

–Citi Field Stadium

Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.

–St. Mark's

Overheard by: jax

Chick laughing hysterically on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Fresh Man

Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleeding from his eye sockets and shit. (pause) So you wanna meet up later?

–Willoughby & Vanderbilt

Posted on December 31, 2020
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Biotechs, Black People, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Hunter, Laughter, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Poop, Queens, Queer guys, Street, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Hanging up is just too hard

Woman, screaming into her cell phone: I SAID I DON’T KNOW YOU. I CALLED THE WRONG NUMBER. I’M NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE QUESTIONS FROM YOU. I DIDN’T WANT TO CALL YOU. I DON’T KNOW YOU. I DON’T KNOW. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMEONE ELSE’S NUMBER. I DON’T WANT TO DISTURB YOU. I DON’T KNOW! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT? I DON’T KNOW YOU. I DIDN’T MEAN TO ALL YOU. I’M NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE QUESTIONS. BYE.

–Union Square Park

Posted on December 18, 2020
Etiquette, On Cell, Union Square and East Village

On Cell