One-liners

A No Man's Land Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: So yeah, that was the most interesting lesbian relationship I've ever had, but she left me for her old science teacher. At least you know where you stand with guys. (sighs)

–Macy's

Overheard by: Nathan

Suit nearing retirement, to his department: Did you ever think that Hilary Clinton just has to be a lesbian?

–Office, Midtown West

Man: I noticed I get checked out the most by women when I'm with a woman, so I started hanging around with lesbians and now we pick up women together.

–1 Train

Hobo, to no one in particular: I'm not a thespian, I'm a lesbian. From Hoboken.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Eric

Crazy hobo: Hillary invented the lesbian vote. There was no lesbian vote before Hillary, she created it! Thirty million lesbians all lined up to vote, and you know what you have to do to get the lesbian vote? You've gotta squeeze it. You have to squeeze the lesbian. How do you get orange juice? You squeeze it! You gotta squeeze the lesbian to get the vote!

–E Train

Overheard by: an unsqueezed lesbian

Angry woman on cell: No, I'm not doing the lesbian thing tonight. No. I'll be home soon.

–Outside Lesbian Bar, Hudson St

Overheard by: lady

Wednesday One-Liners Click “It's Complicated”

Man on cell: Listen, you are just not going to meet a young woman who doesn't have a MySpace page, isn't religious, and doesn't want children.

–46th St & 5th St

30-something to friend: Why is it people from the Midwest always ask if you've tried speed dating? It is like the first thing they think of when they hear about a single woman in New York–she must not have tried speed dating yet.

–1st St & 2nd Ave

Girl on cell: I mean, he basically acts like we're living together. But I don't know, like, I almost called him last night and asked, "are we even dating?"

–65th St & 1st Ave

Hispanic lady: I don't need no man, I don't need no man. I got everything I need in my purse.

–Cafe, West Village

A Nice Man Gave Me This Briefcase Full Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor over PA: Some asshole saw fit to leave a package behind on the train, so now we're waiting for the train police. God knows how long that's going to take.

–4 Train

Overheard by: arctinus

Loud hobo addressing crowded f train: I am unemployed. I am not begging. This is an uptown-bound f train. If you see a suspicious package…give it to me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Megerella

Rasta guy to whole car: Attention passengers! (does perfect imitation of opening subway door tones) Please keep your belongings in sight at all times. If you see a suspicious package on the platform or train, tell a police officer, or an MTA employee, or me—it could be a big bag of money, or a bag of medicinal weed. Not the haze, the spliff.

–4 Train

Overheard by: one love

Hobo (after imitating the sound of the subway doors closing): This is a Bronx-bound 4 train…the next stop will be 14th Street Union Square. If you see a suspicious package, don't keep it to yourself. Tell a police officer or MTA employee or me, cause it could be a bag of money or some weed! (approaching a white girl) Hey, pretty girl! You ever tried the flavor black? Cause once you go black you don't go back. Oh man, she's fine! She's fine too! I must be a lesbian because I like all girls!

–4 Train

Overheard by: can never hear those announcements with a straight face

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see or think you're seeing a suspicious package, don't be scared! Say something! The next stop on this train will be 125th Street, home of the famous Apollo Theater and Street Fault, now with white kids from the Old Navy commercial walking all over the place.

–A Train

Overheard by: Alix

You Want Wednesday One-Liners? We Got 'em!

Man handing out New York Post: New York Post! If you're illiterate, only 75 cents! If you only lookin at pictures, 50 cents!

–6th Ave & W 8th St

Overheard by: lady v

Man selling cotton candy: Get your cotton candy here! Cotton candy! I got your all-natural blue fibers of sugar right here! Straight from the blue cotton fields of…Virginia! Cotton candy, here!

–Shea Stadium

Street perfume seller to browser: You like Vera Wang, princess? This is genuine Wang.

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Weary Communter

Street vendor: Hey, where are you ladies from? (two teenage girls walk by) Oh, that's cool, that's cool, I think I have a friend that lives there!

–7th & 40th

Overheard by: Tiffany

AM New York guy: Sir, would you like a paper this morning? No? No? (shakes head and looks at the ground) I don't care. (pause) It's okay, I don't care.

–145th & St. Nich

Overheard by: sorry charlie

Fake purse salesman: Gucci makes the coochie go woo woo!

–Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Safety Net

Teen girl on cell: What?! His name was "food stamps?"

–Outside W 4th St Train Station

Woman waiting in line for a free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts: Daaaayum… It's crowded in here, like at the welfare office!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Matt

Thug (seeing the line for Dark Knight: Yo, this is longer than the welfare line!

–42nd St AMC Theaters

Overheard by: Angel

Drunk hobo in seriously bright yellow jump suit: Will you marry me? I got food stamps.

–Broadway, Astoria

Guy on cell: What? Yeahhh, her momma's been on welfare so long her food stamps bounced.

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: nycpuhlease

20-year-old girl on cell: Yeah, I got the dress, it was like $100. I tried on matching pumas and I'm gonna go back to get those tomorrow. Hold on, I have another call.
(pause) Hello? Let me call you back, I'm on my way to pick up my welfare check.

–M2 Bus

Wednesday One-Liners Are Big Fun

Girl: Imagine if you're fat? You would die.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Girl on cell: I just don't trust her, she's fat. Fat girls always cause problems.

–3rd Ave & 40th

Overheard by: Liz

Overweight teen girl to friend: It's like, I'm kind of hungry but like I don't feel like eating anything. (a minute later to cashier) I'll have three bacon cheeseburgers, large fries and a frosty.

–Wendy's, Union Square

Overheard by: I was starving and bought less

14-year-old girl to group of friends: I don't skinny dip, I chunky dunk.

–18th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Will

Senior ad exec to junior art designer: What the fuck doesn't this guy understand? The machine literally sucks fat out of your body! So we can't show a girl with a huge ass and huge thighs in the ad! Get it the fuck together!

–49th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: agree to agree

20-something girl: I think I look fat when I don't have armpit hair.

–Canal & Mott

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly

Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.

–NoHo

Overheard by: me too

Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!

–Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens

Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!

–L Train

Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi… (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had…a shitty… experience in Bushwick.

–L Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!

–23rd St & 8th St

Overheard by: alex

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day

Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being… Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Train Wreck

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.

–R Train

Overheard by: Mezz

Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.

–B Train

Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off… (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Amused passenger

Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Luke Skywalker

Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.

–G Train

Overheard by: El David

Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon… (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Soundtrack of Your Life

Guy to friend: Dude, I'm working on a new house song right now. It's going to kick ass. It's called "Google It". It goes "Googleit, Googleit, Googleit…"

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Ian

Two guys: Ladies and gentlemen, we are not asking for any money, we just want to sing a little Linkin Park. (they proceed to jump around and sing Linkin Park)

–Uptown N Train

Overheard by: Hametuka

Hipster to friend: Flava Flav…yeah, he's like that skinny guy in Lord of the Rings…you know… "my precioussss…" Yeah… That's him…just a darker version.

–Subway, Brooklyn

Preteen: I won't beat my wife! I listen to Bob Marley!

–E 21st St b/w 1st & 2nd

Dude (matter-of-factly): Crazy northerners…don't quite understand that we're aware of how to speak English in the South. We just choose to say things cooler. That's why Southern rap sounds so much cooler.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: another misunderstood southerner

Middle aged tourist woman: Have you heard all of these Country Western songs about little girls recently? There's like four of them, and they're all really good too!

–Pinkberry, Bleecker b/w MacDougal & Sullivan

Overheard by: Jason

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Poor, They're Po'

Preppy guy: They say beggars can't be choosers, which makes sense, because we're choosers.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Annie

Red Table change collector guy: Help feed the homeless of New York! All it takes is a penny and a heart, you fucking assholes.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Bemused

Girl to friend: I thought of you the other day; I saw a homeless man's penis.

–Lucky Jack's, Orchard St.

Overheard by: Argopelter

Horny dude (after being rejected by a girl at the bar): I asked her if she wanted a drink and she gave me the look that I give to homeless people on the subway.

–79th & Broadway

Guy to girl sitting at a sidewalk cafe: I know, what is with her? She dresses like a homeless person. And not Mary-Kate Olsen homeless but I-think-I-saw-her-passed-out-in-an-alleyway-with-a-heroin-needle-sticking-out-of-her-arm- homeless.

–10th St & 2nd Ave

Girl, to guy who has just spat on floor: Don't do that! Homeless people sleep there!

–6 Train Station

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