Penis

Wednesday One-Liners Are Shameless Pecker Checkers

Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pasty

Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.

–Roc Restaurant

Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!

–St. Andrews Bar

Overheard by: allimax

Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!

–Near Manhattan Mall

Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.

–Hanover & Water

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.

–4 Train

Overheard by: jessie

In the Mood for Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: So, you know, I was just lying there, like with my face to the wall and stuff and he just whips out his dick and starts hitting me in the back of the head with it.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Zac Stone

Wednesday One-Liners Double Their Pleasure, Double Their Fun

65-year-old lady, in bikini top and Daisy Duke shorts, with belly hanging over: Of course I am bisexual…can't you see the view?"

–49th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: NATE MATHIS

Girl to guy: You can't be bisexual and married, John. That's, like, illegal!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Australian chic at bar: It's weird though, he reminds me so much of my ex-girlfriend.

–Mexican Restaruant, Lower East Side

Loud girl on cell: No, I did him, it was so good. (pause) Yeah, I fucked her too, she loved it.

–Hillside & Edgerton

Drunk lesbian: Why can't you be a girl or at least have a really big dick?

–Bowery Ballroom

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Social Construct

Angry construction worker to befuddled construction worker: Don't look at me like that! Don't say that to me! Go home and fuck my wife, asshole!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jumana

Construction working to another: Man, I need to get me a bi girlfriend. She'd be lovin' me, and I'd be lovin' her friends.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich R.

Construction worker, singing: If there's a skeeter on your Peter/whack it off! (claps twice)

–Waverly Place & 5th Ave

Overheard by: steph

Tough construction worker, unloading van: Yo, I was up til like 2 am watchin' Scooby Doo Where Are You!

–Humboldt & Withers

Overheard by: francesca

Construction worker, staring up at construction skyscraper: It's all twisted. It's going to come down.

–Williams St

Overheard by: Sonya

Howie: I Was Young, I Needed the Money!

40-ish white collar: Did you ever see that video on the internet where a woman blows a horse and she gags when he cums?
30-ish blonde companion: Ewww, no.
40-ish white collar: How about that video where this bald guy who looks like Howie Mandel inserts his entire head into this woman’s giant vagina?
30-ish blonde companion: No, I would have remembered that one.
40-ish white collar: Don’t you keep up with culture?

–Waiting in line to see Martin Short in Fame Becomes Me

Overheard by: Big Larry

But after a While, I’d Tell Him I Was Dieting

Teen girl #1: What if chocolate came out of dicks?
Teen girl #2: Well, then I’d pay him five dollars!

–Union Square

Headline by: MarioRPG

Runners-Up:
· “A Fine Example Of a Win-win Situation” – mike
· “I’m a Dick and Chocolate Comes Out Of Me About Twice a Day.” – Redneck Jedi
· “R. Kelly Trains ‘Em Young” – haz
· “We Could Stop Renting Those Party Fountains” – Golf Widow
· “Willy Wonka’s Splendifferous Splooge” – MiaMiaPantsonFia

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Could You Just Stop Duelling with Them?

Little boy #1: You are a penis.
Little boy #2: No, you are a penis.
Nanny: Alright, whoever says that again gets a time-out.
Little boy #1: Whoever says penis?
Nanny: Nevermind.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Trump: Is It a Quality /Mercedes Brand Dick?

Overprivileged yuppie #1: Did you see that? Dude, did you *see* that?! Man, I *own* this fucking city!
Overprivileged yuppie #2: No you don't, skizzball. Donald Trump owns this fucking city.
Overprivileged yuppie #1: Donald Trump can suck my dick!

–85th & 2nd

Overheard by: SoOverIt

With Cheese Sauce

Queer #1: Well, I fucked him and — this is really gross — but he had a dick like an asparagus.
Queer #2: Whaddya mean? Like, green?

–Vlada Lounge

A Mini, No Doubt

Guy: Hey, they have some with a vibrating cock ring!
Girl: Our sex life is complicated enough already.
Guy: But you know how I love little electronic gadgets.
Girl: I’ll buy you an iPod.

–Duane Reade, 7th Street & 6th Avenue

Overheard by: Calliope

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