“You Have the Right to Remain Wednesday One-Liner”

Cop to another, about uniform and belt: I can't run in this thing.

–Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Sandy Riverside

Random guy, watching 300-pound gangster being arrested: He was throwing the police around like pancakes!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with garbage bag of purses on St. Patrick's Day: Leprechaun stole my pot o' gold and left me these damn bags! Who wants to buy some stolen shit while the cops are drinking?

–46th St b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Madeline

Police officer to another: He knew I was on the force, and that nigga still gave me a ticket for speeding!

–1 Train

Female train conductor: Nigga, I hate them undercover cops! Always holding the doors! You can never be sure if they cops or if they just guys with gats!

–1 Train

Posted on July 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Fighting and ass kicking, Gripes, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Street, Subway conductors, The Village, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Direct Marketing”

Guy selling city maps, singing to beat of nearby music: Who needs a map? Who needs a map? It's not a trap!

–Central Park

Ghetto guy selling knockoff perfumes on street: Don't ask me where I got em' from, just get em' before the police come. I got DKNY, my mami J.Lo… Get em' folks! Get em'

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Alli

Street vendor to customer examining knockoff purses: Hurry it up. I need money.

–Madison & 59th St

Overheard by: Jennifer

Wannabe hip hop artist: Y'all like hip hop? Please look at my CDs. Miss, you have a beautiful forehead. Please buy my CD.

–Times Square

Guy handing out fliers: Hey! You guys like vagina?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Brett

Posted on July 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compliments, Cops, Customers, Fakes, Flyer people, Guys, Knock-Offs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Music, Musicians, Offers and requests, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Singing, Street, Times Square, Vagina, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Now Carmen Sandiego, Maybe I Could Help You With.

Very confused foreign man: Excuse me, excuse me, I have to find Duane Read.
Port Authority cop: (silence)
Very confused foreign man: Sir! I have to find Duane Read!
Port Authority cop: Who!?
Very confused foreign man: Duane Read!
Port Authority cop: Neva heard of 'im.

–Port Authority Bus Terminal

Overheard by: Hans in Brooklyn

Posted on June 22, 2009
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Cops, Foreigners, Names, Offers and requests, Only in New York, Port Authority

Why Frazzled-Looking Ladies Make Excellent Drug Mules

Cop doing random bag checks to young woman rushing through station: Excuse me, ma'm…
Young woman: (glances at cop)
Cop, backing up: Oh, you're in a hurry. (turns around, woman keeps running, bag unchecked)

–F Train

Posted on June 21, 2009
Cops, On the Subway, Stupidity, Women

You Totally Gave Me a Fake Number Last Night

Girl to friend walking ahead of her: Wait for me! Don't leave me behind, you're so mean!
Friend: No, I am not.
Police officer, walking by: Yes, you are!

–The Bronx

Overheard by: Emm

Posted on June 4, 2009
Cops, Friends, Girls, The Bronx, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Just Do It for the Endorphins

Mystified/amused pot dealer, as two jocks jog past him after sunset: They just runnin'! No cops, no robbers, no cowboys, no Indians, nothing blowin' up. They just runnin'!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Dad to three-year-old boy learning to how to swing: Well, maybe if you were in better shape, this would be easy for you. You need to work on your abdominals.

–Rckefeller Park

Overheard by: Maria

White buff guy, during spin class: I need to do some serious laundry, so I only had the one clean towel. If ya can't get one, I can always just give you mine and do my usual air dry jumping jacks for the insane amount of fems they have in the locker room over there. But apparently I have a bad-case-of-gay-face, because they look at me like a fat kid in front of the tasty delight window.

–29th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Lace

Suit to another: I wish I could bench press the sins of the world!

–74th St & Broadway

Girl in short skirt and stilettos: Did we just power-strut too far?

–PATH

Posted on June 3, 2009
Battery Park, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Dads, Druggies, Fitness, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Jocks, Kids, Meatheads, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Questions, Religion, Street, Suits, Thievery, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu

Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.

–ER, Saint Vincent Hospital

Overheard by: Dustin

Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.

–96th & Columbus Ave

Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!

–East Village

Overheard by: Erin

Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.

–R Train

Overheard by: what the hell?

Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.

–116th & Broadway

Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amused Freshman

Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know…it's like 70 degrees here!

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: AwkwardTwig

Posted on June 3, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cancer, Columbia University, Cops, Crazy, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Friends, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Heat, Hippies, Hospitals, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pee, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Fully Prepared to Dial 911

Female black security guard to male black security guard: So you got two kids that you know of…

–MoMa

Security agent: You are now entering the metal detector area, so those of you with wooden cell phones should feel free to keep those in your pockets.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jason

Security guard to teens blocking entrance: Hmm, just what I need at 9 am, a motherfucking school group.

–Paley's Museum of Radio and Television

Overheard by: scarface

Security guard on cell: Why isn't your hand on your butt?

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Lord Almighty

Library security guard: Welcome to the library, where your wildest dreams come true.

–St. John's University

Posted on May 6, 2009
Advice, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Body Parts, Cell Phone, College, Cops, Dreams, Duane Reade, Family Ties, Insults, JFK Airport, Kids, Library, MoMA, More museums, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, School and studying, Security Guards, Teens, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday Feel Trapped in a One-Liner's Body

Ghetto lady to another: Her son is a lesbian!

–Port Authority Bus Station

Suit to friend: Did I ever tell you about the time I ran into a Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru window with a transvestite in my back seat?

–N Train

Overheard by: Tater

Cop: The trannies hate the DVDs. They just can't get along. They hate each other more than the Bloods and the Crips!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jon A.

Girl on cell: He just turned around and slipped into the skirt, and I just had to tell him! (pause) No, it didn't flatter his figure.

–Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center

Crazy guy, pointing to girl sitting on fireplug: She's a man! That girl's a man! She's a man! Heh, heh…okay, stay there, I'll be right back. (pause) To punch you in the face!

–23rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy on phone: First you wanted to be a car salesman, and now you want to be drag queen?

–31st b/w 9th &10th

Overheard by: roommate of guy on phone

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comebacks, Compliments, Cops, Crazies, Family Ties, Film, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Port Authority, Punch, Sexuality, Suits, Threats, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Cops