Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun

Guy on cell: Hello?…What do you mean you have bad news?…You’re pregnant? How could you be pregnant?…I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!…I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July…This is really bad news…How long have you known?…A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?…Your sister is going to go through the roof…No, she doesn’t come back until Monday…So, I’ll see you tonight?…I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can’t be pregnant…Okay, have a good afternoon.

He makes another call.

Guy on cell: Hey…You know Claire*?…Yeah, Lauren’s* sister…Yeah, the hot one…Well, she’s pregnant…Me!

–46th between 5th & 6th

Posted on November 14, 2014
Anger Management, Assholes, Booty Call, Dads, Families, Marriage, On Cell, People, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Should've Used a Condom, Three is Company

Brother, Can You Spare a Wednesday One-Liner?

Girl on cell, pacing outside of restaurant: What happened to you? It was so good to run into you, but you look like a homeless person!

–St. Mark's Place b/w Ave A & 1st Ave

Guy to young girl: I think the homeless guy on my block has real self-esteem issues.

–Astor Place

Manager to hobo: Jesus Christ, don't let me catch you here again! The Radisson is right around the corner!

–McDonald's

Power walking suit on phone: I know, I've never actually seen a female hobo before.

–Grand Central

Suit on cell: So like, she was homeless, right? But she look gooood!

–6th & 19th

Overheard by: Sanam Skelly

Woman at red table with water jug: Help the homeless! C'mon! They don't like dat shit!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Cracka Jack

Posted on November 13, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Bosses, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Grand Central, Hobos, Homeless, Kids, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Barkeep, Some Wednesday One-Liners, Please!

Scruffy guy: Maybe you’re allergic to kangaroo milk.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Elaina

Hipster dude on cell: Dude, what the fuck? Everywhere I go in your city there’s, like, no eggnog.

–Mercer St

Overheard by: omar

Street sock vendor to another: This country’s immigration problems could all be solved if they just stopped selling Corona.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Cameron Rose

Crazy guy: Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some fuckin’ water! Dumb bitch forgot the fuckin’ water. Go back up that hill, bitch, and get me my fuckin’ water!

–C train

Overheard by: Chrissy

Thug to wife: Yo, this nigga don’t trust nothin’ ‘less it has an umbrella stickin’ out of it. That’s gangsta!

–Atlantic Station Pathmark

Overheard by: Kosi

Posted on November 12, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Crazies, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Insults, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers

Wednesday One-liners, One Leg at a Time

Woman on cell: Hey! Hey can you hear me? Listen, I have the extra pair of underwear from the colonoscopy and I forgot to take them out of my bag…

–12th Street & 7th Avenue

Overheard by: Caroline

Posted on November 11, 2014
Health and Hygiene, On Cell, One-liners

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Know What Makes the Law & Order Sound

Law professor: Sometimes you just want to tell your client, "Wake the fuck up!"

–NYU Law School

Law student on cell: Well, it's hard to locate them, since I don't know who they are.

–Columbia Law School

Overheard by: arctinus

Older looking woman on cell: No, don't fight him, Henry. We're Jewish. God gave us lawyers for a reason.

–42nd & Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Awesome judge: If you do not have a basic understanding of the English language, you will not be able to serve. If you cannot understand what I'm saying, please come up now. Now, two translators will translate what I just said. If you understood what I said, obviously don't come up here.

–Supreme Court Building

Suit to girl: You must be a lawyer. (pause) Or a cunt.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: How did he know?

Thug: Don't say anything to her! Don't you know anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law?

–132nd & St. Nicholas

Drunk lawyer on phone: Yeah! I convict rape victims.

–Outside Shea Stadium

Posted on November 7, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Girls, God, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Judaism, Language Barrier, Lawsuits, Lawyers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYU, On Cell, Rape, Shea Stadium, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Thugs, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Been There, Done That

(two guys bike past blowing a whistle and yelling, imitating a siren)
Old woman: Well, that about sums it up.

–Broadway & 19th

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Grandpa on cell: Okay, well, don't bump and grind with any boys!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Older lady: I'm anti-tchotchke!

–Hudson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Older woman gazing out at the pond: Well this is it! Scumbag park!

–Turtle Pond, Central Park

Overheard by: Confused

Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lola

Old lady: The sex shops came in after the gays moved up from The Village in the 80s. But that's okay…

–8th Ave & 20th St

Elderly well-dressed lady to other (in front of bong shop): This place looks good.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Philouza

Posted on November 7, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Men, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, On Cell, Pictures, Sex, Sexuality, Women, Words

Wednesday One-liners Watch Their Weight

Dude on cell: She was a size 16 before the baby, but now she’s a 32. She went from Kermit the Frog to Snuffleupagus!…What size are you?

–Staten Island Ferry

Posted on November 6, 2014
Anger Management, Fashion, Food, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Sports, Staten Island Ferry, Teens, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Violence

Oh, Sorry–Didn’t Know You Were on the Phone

Black dude following girl: Hey man, check out that ass! Look at that ass! That’s some fine ass. Look at that ass.
Black chick being followed: (into her phone) Hold on. (turns to man) Nigga, go away!

–Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: Ivan

Posted on November 6, 2014
Ass, Beauty, Black People, Brooklyn, Compliments, Default, Etiquette, Girls, Guys, Offers and requests, On Cell, Pick-up Lines

Wednesday One-Liners Take a Stab at It

Girl on cell: Yeah, so he was kicked out of college. It’s kind of a long story. He like, pulled a knife on George Lucas.

–Barnard College

Curly-haired chick: If we go, like, cowboy/Indian, you’re supposed to be giving me smallpox blankets and liquor, and I’m supposed to hold a knife to your scalp. Hmmm.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl (yelling at other girl): Just because he cuts himself doesn’t mean he’s emo!

–Brooklyn Tech HS

16-year-old to another: If Dane Cook was here, he would stab you in the chest.

–The Beacon School

Gay man to female friend: I’m gonna cut out your G-spot with a butter knife and stick it to the wall.

–Dojo Resaurant

Tall, muscular, handsome guy on cell: My night turned out pretty crazy… Why? Because this chick drew a knife on me in the restaurant before we even finished the appetizers… And I blame you for that.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: wishes she would have been there…

Posted on November 5, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Jocks, On Cell, Queer guys, School and studying, Stab, Teens, The Village, Threats, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness, Women

“It's a Small Wednesday One-Liner After All”

College girl: Yeah, the worst part about Africa was that we, like, didn't go out!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Noemi

Shabby-looking blue collar mom to distinguished older Indian woman: Ohhh! I have always wanted to go to Bollywood! I love East Africa and Asia! I wanted to buy a bonsai tree, but they are way too expensive.

–5 Train

20-something, looking at Washington arch: There was something like this in France.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: M

Guy on cell: I swear I didn't have sex with her when I was in Norway.

–Lower East Side

Posted on November 5, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Blue-collar workers, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Global Geography, Guys, India Indians, Lower East Side, Moms, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, Sorority Girls, Starbucks, Travel, Trees and plants, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

On Cell