Wednesday One-Liners–Not for the Calorie-Conscious

3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!

–4 Train

Overheard by: i tried that once

Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.

–Cosi Restaurant

Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?

–Crumbs Bake Shop

Overheard by: Damon

Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Good Analogy

Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!

–Christopher & W 4th St

Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!

–Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom

Overheard by: Ilyssa

Posted on November 22, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Food, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Junk Food & Fast Food, Kids, Music, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Psychology, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Skinny People, Street, The Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Wednesday One-liners Aren’t Quite Amiable

Old lady: She came to me and said, “We the people of the 15th floor have decided that you are not friendly.” And I said, “That’s not in the lease.”

–Key Food, Brooklyn Heights

Posted on November 22, 2014
Brooklyn, Old People, One-liners

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

Posted on November 21, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Athletes, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Duane Reade, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kids, Love, Men, Menstruation, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Parks, Poop, Street, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners? Please Hold.

Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.

–Outside NYU Dorm

Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.

–7 Train

Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!

–Runway Strip, JFK

Overheard by: PSUny

Posted on November 21, 2014
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Comebacks, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Guys, Hobos, Hugs, JFK Airport, Kids, Money & Class, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Time, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners for the Fine Young Cannibals

Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy.

–37th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm…craaaazy!

–Times Square Subway Station

Black woman to janitor companion: I am so glad I live in the ghetto. These motherfuckers down here are crazy! (companion nods) And I live in the ghe-tto, 2 train ghetto.

–22nd St & 5th Ave

Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Westsider

30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.

–Broadway & 114th St

Overheard by: mary e.

Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train!

–Target, Atlantic Ave

Posted on November 19, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Black People, Brooklyn, Columbia University, Crazy, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Happiness, Hipsters, Hobos, Kids, Marriage, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Panhandling, Parks, Public Transportation, Sex, Store, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Travel, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Go Chasing Waterfalls

Guy in line for the bathroom: Man, it takes a lot of trust to let someone piss through your legs.

–Angelika Theater

Girl: If I had a barbecue on my stoop, three queens would pee on it on the first night. I mean, you'd think they wouldn't, since it's a historically gay street. But I've seen so many queens peeing on Christopher Street when it's nice out!

–28th & 5th

Overheard by: Donk

Really drunk girl: I have to pee so bad! I almost peed on the corner, but then I remembered I don't have a penis.

–14th St

NYU girl, immediately after taking shot of tequila: Guys, I have to pee, but I don't want to pee out the patron!

–NYU Dorm

NYU girl: I'm going to go see her! I sobered up for this! I drank tons of water! I could pee my ass out!

–8th & University

Short cop on his phone: Peed? You peed on the bed?

–21st St b/w 3rd & 2nd

Posted on November 18, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Murray Hill and Gramercy, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Questions, Sorority Girls, Street, The Village, Theater, Trannies, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

The Art of Wednesday One-liners

Woman: Hey, that looks like my metallic vagina sculpture.

–Karkula, Gansevoort St

Overheard by: stampy

Loud girl: I would like to see something a little bit more modern. This isn’t modern enough for me.

–MoMA

Posted on November 17, 2014
Arts & Letters, Body Parts, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, More museums, One-liners, The Village

Brother, Can You Spare a Wednesday One-Liner?

Girl on cell, pacing outside of restaurant: What happened to you? It was so good to run into you, but you look like a homeless person!

–St. Mark's Place b/w Ave A & 1st Ave

Guy to young girl: I think the homeless guy on my block has real self-esteem issues.

–Astor Place

Manager to hobo: Jesus Christ, don't let me catch you here again! The Radisson is right around the corner!

–McDonald's

Power walking suit on phone: I know, I've never actually seen a female hobo before.

–Grand Central

Suit on cell: So like, she was homeless, right? But she look gooood!

–6th & 19th

Overheard by: Sanam Skelly

Woman at red table with water jug: Help the homeless! C'mon! They don't like dat shit!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Cracka Jack

Posted on November 13, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Bosses, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Grand Central, Hobos, Homeless, Kids, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-liners, One Leg at a Time

Woman on cell: Hey! Hey can you hear me? Listen, I have the extra pair of underwear from the colonoscopy and I forgot to take them out of my bag…

–12th Street & 7th Avenue

Overheard by: Caroline

Posted on November 11, 2014
Health and Hygiene, On Cell, One-liners

Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle

Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.

–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Maianess

20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup

Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.

–Grand Central Station

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: inching away

Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: good to know

Posted on November 9, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Dating, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Harassment, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Relationships, Robbing the Cradle, School, Store, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Train Station, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness