Wednesday One-Liners Just Do It

20-something on cell: So yeah, I hit a new low. So you know how I had sex with Dan, Steve and Dave? Well, I totally just handled my friend from work who is married and we did it in his daughter's bed. If that doesnt say I'm crazy, I dont know what does? (pause) Are you kidding me? His wife never gives it up, that man busted four times in a matter of minutes.
(pause). Well, that's now four men this week who said I have the best pussy they've had.

–159th & Broadway

Overheard by: morgan

Girl: She was fucking everybody in this city–and no one even liked her!

–Houston & Lafayette

Overheard by: bRonwyn

20-something man to girlfriend: You're a grown woman! I can't help it if you're a whore!

–7 Train

Overheard by: becky z-dub

Girl on cell: Wait, so you and Skylar are dating now? Ahh, so exciting! (pause) No, you didn't already tell me. You said that you woke up next to him. Since when does that mean you're dating someone?

–Bedford & 8th

20-something blonde on phone: All those people who laugh and snigger at you only do it because they too have experienced the walk of shame.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Man on phone: I can't be constantly wondering who you're sleeping with! I tell you, I'm tired, I'm old, and I can't do what I'm supposed to do. I'm a good 60, but I ain't good enough to be waking up everyday and chasing you around!

–Coffee shop, Crown Heights

Overheard by: Eric

Hipster on cell: I don't see what's so wrong with going up to someone on the street and saying, "hey, what's up? Let's fuck!" I do it all the time!

–Great Hall, Cooper Union

Overheard by: NYUTSOA12

Posted on November 5, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Compliments, Dating, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Infidelity, Laughter, Men, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Subway, One Night Stand, One-liners, Pick-up Lines, Promiscuity, Questions, Sex, Soho, Store, Street, Three is Company, Vagina, Weirdness, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Dig Deuteronomy

Old Jewish woman at the start of Yom Kippur: I think god wants me to be in a theater rather than in temple.

–45th & 8th

Little boy to friend: It wasn't until last year that I realized that not everybody is Jews!

–Near Columbia

Overheard by: CSims

Gym receptionist discussing television series Mad Men: It's sexist against women…and Jews, too!

–10th & 7th

Overheard by: Zack

Elderly Jewish woman, in hushed voice, to elderly Jewish man: My rabbi is an atheist who lives in Israel! What can you say?

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: Rabbi's Agnostic daughter

Goyish looking guy with toddler in stroller: Well, you know the Hebrews always like to celebrate the New Year–especially in a year that ends in '69, if you know what I mean.

–Mercer & Broome

Overheard by: Garuda

Woman on cell: We're on the bus run by Hassidic Jews, ya know, like Woody Allen… It's like the Jewish express!… Nah, I'm covering up the phone so no one hears me.

–Vamoose Bus, Penn Station

Posted on October 29, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn College, Bus, Clerks, Columbia University, Dads, Friends, Gender issues, Jews, Judaism, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Public Transportation, Shiksas (& other Gentiles), Soho, Street, Stupidity, Theater & Dance, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Lose Their Mittens

Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!

–SoHo

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?

–72nd & Broadway

Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.

–Downtown 6 Train

Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!

–Columbia Quad

Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Toddlington

Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Colleen

Posted on October 29, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beastiality, Brooklyn, College, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Death, Family Ties, Fat People, Food, Gay Man's Best Friend, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Poop, Public Transportation, Soho, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wiisday One-Liners

Guy, getting his hair cut: So I spent $150 more than I would have if I got the Wii in the store, 'cause my wife said, "If I don't get Guitar Hero, I will divorce you."

–SoHo

Dork: Don't call it a Gameboy…you're downgrading my PSP.

–The Village

Small Asian kid, pounding the computer mouse in frustration: Where the hell is Carmen Sandiego?!

–Chinese School

40-year-old guy with ten-year-old kid, to GameStop employee: Excuse me, I'm thinking of buying GTA for my son. Is there a way to turn off the profanity?

–GameStop, Park Ave

Overheard by: Jake C.

Angry guy to girlfriend: Look, I get the whole not wanting to have public sex thing, but I don't know if I can be with someone who won't play Wii.

–43rd & Madison

Posted on October 22, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Breaking Up, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Dads, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Girlfriends, Guys, Idiots, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, School, Sex, Soho, Store, Stupidity, The Village, Threats, Video Games, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners for the Royal Family

Guy: Yeah, but it's not that hard to keep your mother from having sex with you.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: V

Man, seriously: If I could marry my daughter I would.

–Duke's Deli, SoHo

Random moviegoer: I have to admit the incest was tastefully done.

–Outside IFC Center

Overheard by: when is it ever?

Suit on cell: I'm in love with my cousin.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean C.

Very gay man to another: I don't know, I'm just not attracted to him at all! Maybe because he's my brother…

–Greenwich Ave & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Lily Caulfield

Man shouting to friend: Incest free for a whole three weeks! Yeah!

–1 Train

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Crime and Punishment, Delis, Family Ties, Guys, Incest, Love, Marriage, Men, Movie Theaters, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Queer guys, Soho, Suits, The Village, Washington Heights and Inwood, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires

What Kinda Mileage You Get With That Wednesday One-Liner?

Teen girl, calmly: My nigga, I only got one car, and I need that car to kill my momma.

–125th & 5th

Overheard by: Caroline

Loud Eastern European man to older guy: If I get you car, you get me woman. Woman for fucking! (gestures a jackhammer motion)

–Union Square

Overheard by: BK

Surprised woman: $15,000? Tonya! For $15,000 you could've bought a car, gone to a psychologist and finally learned how to drive!

–Park Ave & 39th St

Girl on cell: He drove his truck into the pool. No…he drove his truck into the pool. So, I just hope it's not because he was doing something stupid.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Pretty Sure He Was Doing Something Stupid

Man on bike on cell: There ain't no peanut butter in the car.

–West 4th & Sullivan St.

Overheard by: Anna P.

Screaming guy, sticking head out of cab during traffic jam: Fucking three inches per hour!

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: seb

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Food, Foreigners, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, Parents, Sex, Soho, Stupidity, Teens, Time, Washington Square Park, Women

Exactly.

40-something Spanish woman to 15-year-old son: What kind of a retard are you? You're just like your father!
(son looks around nervously)
Father, standing next to her: Wait, what?

–Canal & Centre

Overheard by: Einstien

Posted on October 7, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Dads, Default, Girls, Insults, Latinos, Moms, Questions, Soho, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Six-year-old girl to middle-aged passenger: Well, I'm Jewish, but my parents are Aries. So I'm not really sure what that makes me.

–Amtrak

Overheard by: half Jewish, half Gemini

Guy: Oh, I know Jewish girls give good head!

–81st & Amsterdam

Awkward Catholic boy: These days there are more Jews in New York than Israel…and they all worship Barbara Walters as their Spider Queen.

–Steps of The Met

(outside the Marionette Theater's showing of Jack and the Beanstalk)
Four-year-old: Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a Jewish man.

–Outside the Marionette Theatre, Central Park

Drunk guy inside German bar, pointing at small guy with a jewfro: Juden!

–German Beer Garden, Williamsburg

Overheard by: POLA

Woman on cell: Well, he wasn't as forthcoming with me as he is with you, probably because I keep telling him to stop dating that fat Asian girl and find himself a nice Jewish girl instead …

–Broadway & Prince