Suits

Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!

–SoHo

Overheard by: trying not to laugh

Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?

–72nd & Broadway

Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.

–Downtown 6 Train

Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!

–Columbia Quad

Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Toddlington

Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Colleen

Wall Street suit #1: Wait, wait–you did it in her parent's house…while her parents were home?! You dirty dog!
Wall Street suit #2: They have a water bed!
Wall Street suit #1: Dude!

–Au Bon Pain, Broadway & W 3rd

Girl on cell: No, mom, I'm not going to flag submissive at a fucking porn convention, pardon my French.

–170th St & Audubon Ave

Blonde to male companion getting off train: Good luck beating those kiddie porn charges!

–N Train

Overheard by: Marin M.

Straight-laced businessman on phone: It's because you won't stop downloading all that porn! If you quit, the popups won't come back.

–Ditmars & 37th, Astoria

Guy: They confuse me for a porn star; no, they don't confuse me with a porn star, they just think I'm a porn star because of my name!

–NYU

Tall thin statuesque black girl looking intently into white guy's eyes: Do you want an open relationship or just want to do porn?

–Midtown

Overheard by: toughchoice

Guy: Yeah, but it's not that hard to keep your mother from having sex with you.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: V

Man, seriously: If I could marry my daughter I would.

–Duke's Deli, SoHo

Random moviegoer: I have to admit the incest was tastefully done.

–Outside IFC Center

Overheard by: when is it ever?

Suit on cell: I'm in love with my cousin.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean C.

Very gay man to another: I don't know, I'm just not attracted to him at all! Maybe because he's my brother…

–Greenwich Ave & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Lily Caulfield

Man shouting to friend: Incest free for a whole three weeks! Yeah!

–1 Train

Guy in suit: They have been trying to figure why all the bees are disappearing, but they haven't performed any autopsies yet.
Other guy: Really? Well, aren't they disappearing because of cell phones?
Guy in suit: Why would they start disappearing now, then? Cell phones have been around for a while.

–50th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Autopsy?

Haggard-looking middle-aged woman: Hi, yes, I need a refill. I need my Xanax. (short pause) My life is hell.

–CVS Pharmacy, 42nd & 10th Ave

Suit on cell: No mom, I'm not going to just start popping antidepressants without seeing a professional first! Why would you even say that?!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: I'd have prescribed some ritalin for him

MTA conductor over loudspeaker: Hey Bobby! Lay off the steroids, they're making your voice sound funny!

–MTA Harlem Line Train

Overheard by: Nina

Loud suit on cell: Hello? Yes, hi, I'd like to order a Viagra pill. Only one, sir. No, no, just one. Sir, I want only one pill of Viagra, can you do that for me? Can I pick it up tomorrow? Great, thank you. I look forward to seeing you. Take care now, bye bye.

–44th St & 3rd Ave

20-something girl: Whenever I have a bad day, I think "How did Hillary Clinton feel?" and then I don't feel so bad. I mean they must have put her on sedatives to make it through that.

–C Train

Cute girl on cell: Well, tell her if she takes all those pills I'm going to kill her!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: arctinus

Suit: Yeah, that new Brown guy is on my team.
Black woman suit: Umm…
Suit: Brown, the school…not skin color.
Black woman suit (turning into fabulous ghetto black women): Ohh, okay. Good thing–there was about to be a whole lotta ugly up in here.

–Times Square

Russian woman to fat guy (after he yelled at her): Escooz me, cood you please poot your ass out of ze vindow so I can seet? (fat guy remains seated)

–B1 Bus

Overheard by: Robert

Gay: Your ass looks great! Have you started bottoming?

–Christopher St Pier

Young kid: 14th Street, like her ass on my face.

–Union Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Pza

20-something gay suit: My butt always causes friction.

–Elevator, Midtown Building

Sorority hungover girl talking about birth: I came out ass first, isn't that typical?

–Denny's

Guy to chick: We will use your ass as a presentational ass.

–Weight Room, Coles Gym

Overheard by: Ladle

Teen girl to friend: I feel like my butt just came off. You ever feel like that?

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: Alison

Teen (speaking excitedly to friends): Supposedly there's a tornado in the city!
Random suit: Like o-m-g!
Teen: Like w-t-f!

–7th Ave

Woman leaving train to suit with open fly: (inaudible)
Suit (loudly): What is “the barn door is open?” What is that supposed to mean?

–6 Train