Wednesday One-Liners Are No Longer Considered a Planet

Girl, to boyfriend: And that’s why you can never trust the emotions or actions of someone whose star sign is ruled by mars.

–20th & 7th

Overheard by: ALR

Barista to waiter: I don’t mind that I spent $130 on a pair of Oakleys cause I can look at the sun for a while and it won’t hurt my eyes.

–Long Island Railroad

Overheard by: Chris K.

Baby boomer hippie to college student: Dude, I just got me some of that Afghani shit. Took me to the mooooooon and back, baby!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Summer

Doonesbury looking dude: Imagine what life would be like without the sun.

–40th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Ledbetter

Girl, being shaken awake by friend: But Rachel, where are you going to put the black hole?

–A Train

Bum on street, to several protesters passing by in pure white bio-hazard suits: Aw… You people wait right there, I’m a run and get some cigarettes then I’m comin’ to the moon with ya’ll. Seriously… Wait.

–45 & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Comack

Posted on April 23, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astronomy, Baristas, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Hippies, Homeless, Long Island, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Shopping, Street, Trains Not Subway, Washington Square Park, Weed, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are Between Jobs

Homeless man, to toddler: Can I get a high-five?
[Toddler high-fives homeless man.]Homeless man: Can I get a dollar?

–D Train

Overheard by: sara

Shivering bum: Yo, can you guys help me out? Otherwise I’m gonna sing a song and I don’t wanna hurt your ears.

–N 7th & Bedford

Black homeless man: Excuse me… Can anyone help a broke nigga get his eat on?

–6 Train

Bum: Dollar for your favorite bum?

–Lafayette & E. 4th St

Bum, approaching another bum standing in the only two square feet of sunlit space for many blocks: Yeahh! You found the spot!

–Financial District

Overheard by: nunya

Homeless man: Hello, everyone. My name is Mike*, and I’m homeless and starving. If you have any- [His cell phone rings.] Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] I’m working, man, what’s up?

–Q Train

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Homeless, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Panhandling, Race, Singing, Street, The Village, Threats, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weather, West Village, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Swore They’d Never Become Like Their Parents

Dad to young daughter: If you want to hit daddy, you’ll have to take a number.

–Outside Court St. Bagels, Court & Bergen, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Exhausted dad to loud, hyperactive, young son: Yes, everyone knows you’re here. Terminal six food court line.

–JFK

Overheard by: Jen

Mother, to seven-year-old son as she enters a liquor store: Jesus, what’s wrong with you? This is why nobody likes you -you’re annoying!

–Outside Liquor Store, W 57th St

Overheard by: PetRunner

Father quizzically looking at waddling toddler: How can you be anti-park? I mean, you’re a kid! You can run around!

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Brooklyn Dodgy

Sassy inner-city mom to dawdling daughter: Get ovah here or I’m going to have to take out my imaginary belt.

–Tompkins Square Park

Mother, to five-year-old daughter picking up cookies: Is that what you eat at daddy’s house?

–The Food Emporium, 88th St

Overheard by: charlotte

Mother speaking sternly to her infant in the baby carriage: Capiche???

–53rd & 9th

Overheard by: AH Hell’s Kitchen

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Dads, Food, Grocery Stores, Insults, JFK Airport, Kids, Leisure, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Parks, Public Transportation, Punch, Questions, Store, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday One-Liners: the Best of Cities and the Worst of Cities

Guy: Yeah, he has this obsession with white weasels. It’s just very New York, you know?

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Kate

White Girl: I’m leaving this city, it’s all just bed bugs and bad drugs.

–Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Zach

Prudish waitress, to another: In New York, you just come to expect cock-on-cock, ass-on-ass talk… In DC, you don’t.

–1 Train

Student to friend: You play the paranoid freak, I will play the egomaniac. We will call it "New York".

–49th & 1st

Thug #1 to Thug #2, while observing typical, plain, Midwest vacationing family getting off a tour bus: Get back on that bus! This New York! You can’t handle this shit! [Teenage kids smile. The father, absolutely horrified, grabs the kids and throws them back on the bus.]

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Bunk Moreland

Posted on April 16, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Only in New York, Sexuality, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Theater & Dance, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Travel, U.S. Geography, Waitresses, Weirdness, White People, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Have Never Been Married… Just Sayin’

Old queer: You won’t believe your eyes in Plainfield. There’s not one heterosexual in Plainfield.

–75th & Columbus

Amazed nerd teen: They did this study on women who are ovulating, and even in gay bars when they’re ovulating they get way more dick.

–S’nice Coffee Bar, 14th St & 8th Ave

Big black girl: So being gay, when a straight person says, "You can stay over with me, but I’m not inviting you to touch me…" No, girl! You *are* inviting me to touch you.

–C Train

Overheard by: Lemuel

Random guy in stall next me: It’s a cluster fuck… Out there, not here, you don’t think I’m gay, do you?

–JFK Bathroom

Guy with to few friends: I’m the most homophobic gay man ever.

–Staten Island Perkins Diner

IT manager: Do you know how long ago 1984 was? I was straight!

–915 Broadway, Manhattan

Overheard by: Sarah

Posted on April 16, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, JFK Airport, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On the Subway, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Sex, Sexuality, Soho, Stall Spies, Staten Island, Teens, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wishes & desires, Words

Girls Just Wanna Have Wednesday One-Liners

Six-year-old girl, after careful consideration: Oh, well. That’s Ok. A baby is almost as much fun as a trampoline.

–Sidewalk Cafe

Guy to friend at 1 AM on a Thursday: Hey, I have an idea -let’s talk about how Dan fucked my ex-girlfriend! That’ll be fun, that’s a good story!

–PATH Train to Hoboken

Overheard by: Katie

Cali girl, to her roommate: We need to be more like coke whores but, like, without the coke, and not the whore part, but just like, opulent and fun.

–133rd & Frederick Douglass

Overheard by: Nathalie

Guy on cell: But, mother, maybe she wants to have fun for a couple of years before she becomes a nun.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Killer

20-something woman on cell: When I left my mom just now she said, ‘Have fun gay-tripping in California.’ Uhmmmmm?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: McF

Middle aged babysitter corralling flock of young children down the street: This should be fun… How come it isn’t? Anybody got any ideas?

–18th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Dave

Posted on April 16, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Christianity, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Family Ties, Friendship, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Penn Station, Prostitution, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sexuality, Trains Not Subway, Wishes & desires

Goin’ to the Chapel and We’re Gonna Get Wednesday One-Liners

Big bald guy: No, no, you don’t have to be ordained to marry people at the show. Just put on the Pope robe if you want to marry people.

–Office Building, Hudson St

Guy: I took your advice, bro. I’m gonna marry her in a little over three weeks. But… I gotta get drunk first.

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: erin

Suit #1 to suit #2: Well, maybe she won’t sign the pre-nup and then you’ll be free.

–Wall Street

Black chick: No! No! Ain’t no one gettin’ lynched at my wedding!

–Food Dimensions, Myrtle & Broadway

Overheard by: off white

Woman on cell: The only time he gets to be himself is when he goes away and that’s the way he saves the marriage… Otherwise it’s "Mommy, I don’t feel well’ and ‘Mommy, may I be excused from the table."

–23rd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Mugsy’s Moll

Goth chick on phone: He proposed to me while he was in me… Yea, well, I mean he told me after that he really meant it!

–Penn Station

Posted on April 16, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Buildings, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Family Ties, Girls, Goths, Guys, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Pope, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Show business, Soho, Staten Island, Suits, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Hot Wednesday-on-Wednesday One-Liners

Random guy, singing loudly: Leeeesbian seagull!

–South Street Sea Port

Overheard by: Ger-Man in New York

Thug: Shit! I have to get my teacher a present. Its so hard. She’s like butch… You know what I’m saying? Shes got short hair and don’t wear earrings -like that chick [points to a woman who can obviously hear the conversation and looks affronted.] Yeah lady, you like the pussy!

–F Train

Drunk girl: You wanna know why I’m a lesbian? When I was crawling out of my mothers vagina I tasted that shit. And that shit was good. I just had to keep going back for more.

–Odessa’s, Ave A

Overheard by: Dannia Alfonso

Hardcore lesbian tourist #1 to hardcore lesbian tourist #2: Hey! Beaver Street! Let’s eat down there.

–Beaver St , Hanover Square

Overheard by: WallStGuy

Black teen punk girl, arguing with boyfriend: No, I’m gonna go become a lesbian now. Big. Huge. Les. Bo.

–V Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Buff guy: But now they’ll know I’m a lesbian.

–Christopher & Bleecker

Overheard by: Colleen

Posted on April 16, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Black People, Drunks, Family Ties, Fears, Gays and Lesbians, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Lesbians, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Punks, Questions, Singing, Teens, The Village, Threats, Thugs, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!

–Battery Park

NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.

–NYU Bus

AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!

–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park

Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!

–43rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Dan J

Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!

–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City

Posted on April 16, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Booty Call, Celebrations/Parties, Crazies, Fears, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, News, Nicknames & name calling, NYU, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Bus, Orgy, Pictures, Politics, President, Prostitution, Queens, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Time, Women, Words

4 Out of 5 Dentists Prefer Wednesday One-Liners

Sleazy guy: I love going to my dentist, the new one. The hygienist holds my hand while they’re giving me a shot. She talks to me. She pets me like a chinchilla. It’s fantastic.

–Elevator, 360 Park Avenue South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Old man with pet lizard: Thirty-four years ago we got married. She had dental coverage. It’s very easy to find a girl with medical coverage… Dental, not so easy.

–77th St & 37th Ave, Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Gail Montemayor

Blonde tween: they usually take out 2 teeth before they put on the braces. They took 4 of mine. It felt great! I wanted ’em to take all of mine and be all gums.

–D Train

Overheard by: Going to keep those wisdom teeth a bit longer

Girl on cell: So I was able to brush my teeth without feeling like I was going to puke.

–77th and 2nd

Cleaning woman on cell phone: She is a butterface. You know, everything’s lookin’ good but her face. Her body is nice, but she has some ugly-ass, skanky ass face. I told her she ain’t gonna get no man without any teeth in her face. I told her she’s gotta get some nice grilles put all up in there.

–Atlantic Mall

Overheard by: jsillyfun

Ghetto girl spouting knowledge to friend: Sometimes, you just gotta bite your teeth, and turn the other head…

–4 train

Guy on acid: I can’t get the taste of teeth out of my mouth!

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: LSB

Posted on April 9, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Beauty, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Druggies, Elevators, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Malls, Marriage, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Straight Trippin', Teeth, Tweens, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vomit, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

All Wednesday One-Liners