Wednesday One-Liners Just Do It for the Endorphins

Mystified/amused pot dealer, as two jocks jog past him after sunset: They just runnin'! No cops, no robbers, no cowboys, no Indians, nothing blowin' up. They just runnin'!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Dad to three-year-old boy learning to how to swing: Well, maybe if you were in better shape, this would be easy for you. You need to work on your abdominals.

–Rckefeller Park

Overheard by: Maria

White buff guy, during spin class: I need to do some serious laundry, so I only had the one clean towel. If ya can't get one, I can always just give you mine and do my usual air dry jumping jacks for the insane amount of fems they have in the locker room over there. But apparently I have a bad-case-of-gay-face, because they look at me like a fat kid in front of the tasty delight window.

–29th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Lace

Suit to another: I wish I could bench press the sins of the world!

–74th St & Broadway

Girl in short skirt and stilettos: Did we just power-strut too far?

–PATH

Posted on June 3, 2009
Battery Park, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Dads, Druggies, Fitness, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Jocks, Kids, Meatheads, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Questions, Religion, Street, Suits, Thievery, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Are Kinda Fruity

Suit: If Mark didn't fall asleep and get his photo taken with lemons on his head, he might still be here.

–Elevator, Midtown

Overheard by: It got even better when they elaborated

Sweater-clad hipster guy: I probably spend more per year on strawberries and cream than on my education. It's worth it, though. I value them more than my education.

–Starbucks, Brooklyn

Teenage girl: I don't want you to tell me there's a banana somewhere in there, I want to see the banana go in there!

–Church Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sonny

Girl to guy drinking juice: Eating mangoes makes vaginas taste better.

–Broadway & 9th St

Overheard by: Jessica

Irritated voice in choir loft, in the dark, at the end of Good Friday service: In all the excitement, I seem to have sat on my banana.

–60th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: haysoos

Man on cell: Did anybody give grandma her mango? You know that bitch flips shit if she don't get her mango!

–Central Park

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on June 3, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Education, Elevators, Family Ties, Food, Fruit, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pictures, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Starbucks, Street, Suits, Teens, The Village, Upper East Side, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu

Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.

–ER, Saint Vincent Hospital

Overheard by: Dustin

Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.

–96th & Columbus Ave

Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!

–East Village

Overheard by: Erin

Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.

–R Train

Overheard by: what the hell?

Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.

–116th & Broadway

Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amused Freshman

Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know…it's like 70 degrees here!

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: AwkwardTwig

Posted on June 3, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cancer, Columbia University, Cops, Crazy, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Friends, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Heat, Hippies, Hospitals, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pee, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Mr. Coulier Was the Last Person We'd Suspect

20-something guy: Dave, are you Superman?
Dave: Yeah, I am!
20-something guy, screaming: See? See? Your whole thing goes down the shitter.

–6th Ave

Overheard by: Touche

Posted on June 2, 2009
Guys, Questions, Street, Superheroes, Weirdness

Are You Washed in the Wednesday One-Liners Of Jesus?

Teenage girl: My mom is always reminding me to lock my door because you got to worry about the bloods and the clots.

–Uptown 2 Train

Emo chick: So he goes to this party and he does it with this old guy. He pretty much went home with a bloody butthole.

–Roseland Ballroom

Overheard by: charlotte

Suit on cell: Never in my life have I seen that much blood in the trunk of a car.

–82nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Karyn

Small Asian girl to large drag queen: So then he, like, bit off his tongue and nearly bled to death. (long pause) Or maybe I was just high.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Asshole, Backdoor, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Celebrations/Parties, Death, Drag queens, Drugs, Elevators, Girls, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, Teens, Theater, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy Like a Wednesday One-Liner

Teacher to colleagues: When a student acts up a second time, I always throw something at the window and then do something like this (goes into fetal position and starts rocking) at my desk. I mean…these are first graders! You need them to think you're crazy from the very beginning, or you'll have a horrible year!

–Bar, Smith & Sackett

Paper baggin' hobo: I'm not sure who's crazier: me, or this beer. It's 23 degrees outside, and I'm drinking a cold beer!

–Jackie Robinson Park

Overheard by: Ian

High pitched 20-something girl to empty block: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, here!

–58th & 7th

Female student on cell: Did you know him? (pause) Oh. Well, did Kate* know him? (pause) What? You girls are crazy! Yeah, you'd better lock your door!

–Fordham University

Man on cell: I'm feeling pretty good today. That's usually when I go off the deep end.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crazy, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Fordham, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Soho, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

If a Boy Is Your Friend, Is He Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Hot Latina: He doesn't look like someone I'd want to fuck. But neither does my boyfriend… Well, depending on what he's wearing.

–3rd Ave & 46th St

Overheard by: SillyUrn

Girl to friend: If my boyfriend ever asked me to do that, I would get a new boyfriend, preferably the blow-up one that I already have in my bed.

–Dorm, NYU

Overheard by: amused

Girl in leopard print pajamas: My boyfriend is the voice on Dora the Explorer. Name dropped.

–Elevator, NYU

Overheard by: babaganoush the great

Teen boy on cell: Hi, Lisa, it's Matt. Sarah and I were just talking about how much you love tools, so I went to Home Depot today and picked you up a new boyfriend.

–N Train

Overheard by: SueCity

Yuppie to friends: So my boyfriend called me last night and asked me, "Hey, do you even know my name?" and I said, "Well…no."

–1 Train

Overheard by: yams

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clothing, Elevators, Friends, Girls, Infidelity, Latinos, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Street, Teens, Video Games, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Yuppies

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just Browsing

Flamboyant foreigner: I changed my MySpace to say I like girls.

–Washington Square Park

Suit on cell: I'm gonna twitter my fucking ass off tonight.

–City Hall

Overheard by: Samantha Sharifi

Girl on cell: Do they not have people in the US that follow the Blue Book? They have to get some guy from Oxford butt fuck to do it? It's so annoying. It's so annoying! Like, I want to take a strap on and fuck my computer. Well, not my computer, but the guy's computer, for having done this to me.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Middle aged African American woman to group of friends: I'm going on MySpace to comment that she abandoned her child!

–8th Ave & 42nd St

Businesswoman to friend: I just like having a family, you know? And you can't get that on Craigslist.

–33rd St.

Overheard by: Rio

High school girl with iPod: Do you think this church has Wi-Fi?

–St. Paul's Catholic Church

Posted on May 20, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Church, Computer, Dildos and Vibrators, Family Ties, Foreigners, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Insults, Internet, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Myspace, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Sex, Sexuality, Sorority Girls, Street, Suits, Theater, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Instead Of a Caste System, This Barbaric Country Has Only Paninis

Indian employee #1, showing another how to work grill: So you just spray it with vegetable oil and then press down until it's brown.
Indian employee #2: How long?
Indian employee #1: Till its brown like me, not brown like you. Brown like you is too long. Like me, not you.

–Broadway

Posted on May 14, 2009
Advice, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Food, India Indians, Street, Stupidity, Time

Lord, I Was Born a Ramblin' Wednesday One-Liner

Chick on cell: Are you sure this is a sex trip and not a "meet-my-parents" trip?

–14th St

Overheard by: Argopelter

Laughing woman on cell: I'm going to be so busy when I get back! My week of relaxation is just going to be ruined by a hurricane.

–Starbucks, Park Ave South & 29th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy to three hot girls carrying luggage: Oh, hello, ladies. I also travel! What a coincidence! (girls walk away laughing) You can run! I will find you! It's only a matter of time!

–Financial District

Black woman on phone: Ya, man, I just got back from Miami. Shit, I'm still jet lagged!

–Wendy's, Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: oh really?

Blonde girl on plane to another: I figured out on this trip that if you pack your lightest clothes on the bottom of your suitcase it will weigh less! Coming in, my suitcase weighed 54 pounds, and going home it only weighed 46! (second blonde nods knowingly)

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Meagan O.

Hobo: Hey girls, could you spare some change? Please? It's for my Hawaii fund! I'm gonna wear a bikini and dance the hula. And fuck it, I'm freezing my butt off!

–University Place & 10th St

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on May 13, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Brooklyn, Clothing, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Holidays, Homeless, Insults, Jobs & Careers, LaGuardia Airport, Laughter, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Panhandling, Parents, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Starbucks, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Time, Travel, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Street