All Wednesday One-Liners

Baby, It’s Wednesday One-liners

Woman on payphone: I totally woulda done it too, I woulda kicked her ass…I’m telling you if that bitch wasn’t pregnant I woulda killed her. So instead I just punched the bitch.

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: Kaitlyn Meehan

Producer: Hey, you look like a psychotic baby. Maybe you should grow a bit of the hair back and a bit of the goatee back.

–27th Street office

Pregnant girl: I’m gonna have me a big bottle of E&J mixed with Hennessy after I have my baby.

–Highbridge

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Man on cell: Are you crazy? She can’t control a six pound dog and you want her to have your baby?

–46th & 8th

Overheard by: Renee Florence

Wednesday One-Liners Could Pinch Hit for William Safire

Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what’s the word again?

–Men’s Wearhouse, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: erak

Tourist woman on cell: That’s not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It’s like a tough guy or a street guy.

–56th & 5th

Woman on cell: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.

–12th & 1st

Guy: Korean words don’t end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"… and "Hyundai".

–Chelsea Market

Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you’re in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it’s better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."

–Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Man on cell: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!

–17th & 6th

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight": That means "The Bagel Delight" in
French!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!

–F train

Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!

–27th street office

Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy.

–Bedford Avenue station

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.

–54th & 11th

Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.

–World Financial Center

Overheard by: Dr. Ballon

Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me.

–46th & 8th

Overheard by: ballpeen hammer

Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!

–Lexington & 23rd

Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!

–19th between 7th & 8th

Wednesday One-liners Might Have Food Issues

Guy: Nah, I’m trying to get that six pack for summer. I’m not going for the dashboard stomach or anything. Besides, the dashboard on my car isn’t looking too good, ya know?

–Godiva, Nassau Street

Overheard by: J

Woman: She’s not trying anorexia, is she? She’s not in that adolescent phase yet, right?

–85th & 5th

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Girl: Well, she should tell her doctor…and her waitress.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Trix

Hobo: Hey, I’m really hungry. Really hungry, man. I ain’t eaten in the past coupla days. That’s why I’m losing weight. Except I’m so muscular, so I look healthy, but I’m hungry. And it’s hot outside, so I’m losing more weight. And I am muscular.

–F train

Queer: You know, whenever they show models in movies being obsessive about what they eat and their weight or something, it’s always presented like it’s this vain and self-indulgent thing, but, I mean, they’re models. It’s their job. It’s like for your job. You needed a Master’s Degree, right? Well, they need an eating disorder.

–2 train

Girl: I think he thought I was calling him fat. I wasn’t, though! I was calling him pregnant.

–D train

Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them?

–6th Ave & 12th

Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train!

–N Train

Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat.

Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass!

–86th & Park Ave

Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you–your ass is broken"?

–1st & 23

Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass.

–Bus to Penn Station

Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know!

–72nd & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

It's Wednesday One-Liners, Paleface!

Guy to friend: When Obama wins, I'm going to slap a white person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Lane

Lady getting sprayed with perfume by her friend: Stop. Stop it! You gonna make me smell like white people.

–East Drive, Prospect Park

Overheard by: White smelly jogger

Black gay man sans shirt, upon seeing group of white girls wandering: Oh my god, white girls! Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

–Christopher St

Gentleman walking past Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too restaurant: Man, black people eating tofu, white people eating spoonbread…

–W 110th & Columbus

Gingy, referring to ebony colored condoms: This way, when I fuck a white boy he'll still be black!

–E Broadway 99 Cent Store

Black lady in african garb: Too many white flower! Need more black power! (the only white girl around looks up confusedly, now black lady screams in her face) White flower!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: Ruby

Don’t Bogart the Wednesday One-Liners!

Flyer guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it’s free! But my weed is not. I’ll be right here until five.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Engi

Yuppie guy: Hey, you wanna buy a bong and get pierced?

–MacDougal & Bleecker

Overheard by: Betty Noir

Guy listening to iPod: Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed!

–183rd & Audubon Ave

Overheard by: BB

Black guy to another: All those niggas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each other!

–A train, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she’s like, ‘O-M-G, you’re high.’ And I usually am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she always knows. And even so, I’m like, ‘Em, why do you have to comment on it every single time? At the dorms, at parties, even at Target one time!’ Hahaha… But anyway, we might come Thursday. I’ll see if my funds are in order to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stunna shades.

–6 train

Guy outside MTV studios: Stay calm. Everything is going to be okay. There will be marijuana giveaways.

–1515 Broadway

Overheard by: Rebecca

Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Alexis

Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Jackie

Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?

–Grand Central Station

Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?

–125th St

Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."

–Bar 9, 54th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!

–L Train

Overheard by: The City Planner

Patsy Cline Sings Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: July 31st! July 31st is the deadline, everyone! You must write your letters of apology to Bush or he’ll drop another bomb in the ocean and you can say “Good-bye” to Sri Lanka!

–17th & 8th

Overheard by: Edwin Lam

Crazy guy: Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard to find true love? Don’t look at me like that. You want quiet? Go to the library. You think I want your money? I don’t need your money! Look at all these dollar bills on my pants! If I want money, I just peel one off.

–6 train

Crazy guy: Fuck you and your stupid leg. You fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt!

–L train

Overheard by: Jonathan Farbowitz

Drunk old Black guy: …people, we got these rhythms… rhythms that just don’t connect. I got rhythms, and you girls have got rhythms, but can we dance together? No, no…we can’t. That’s what happened when the Black man came to America, babies. Black and white, we just can’t dance, babies. But you girls should dance with me.

–13th & 6th

Crazy shirtless guy: Order in the court! Order in the court! Y’all is not guilty. Now get the hell outta here!

–Port Authority

Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels?

–M60 bus

Overheard by: Oz Skinner

Wednesday-One-Liners Gotta Fight for Their Right

Frat boy on cell: Call me when you get done with your fondue party. I don’t care if it wasn’t your idea. That doesn’t make it right!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Geeky Columbia freshman: Yeah, we held a Sexyback Party… You know, it was themed like Justin Timberlake. It was a pretty cool concept.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: pumpkin

College chick: Any party that you have to lube up your hand to get into just isn’t worth it.

–Christopher St

Bimbette: Because, really, what good is throwing a porn party if you can’t get drunk enough to disregard your butt?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

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