I'd Love To, Baby, but My Wednesday One-Liner Won't Let Me Date

Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table–I mean, uh…my food.

–F Train

Overheard by: penelope

Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.

–Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Matt

Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.

–A Train

Overheard by: Suzi

Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"

–Grand Concourse

Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life…over there, save your wife!

–Radio City Music Hall

Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Amina

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Brooklyn, Compliments, Conductors, Cops, Food, Friends, Infidelity, Insults, Laundromat, Love, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Rockefeller Center, Sex, Stab, Strangers, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Theater, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

We Were Told There'd Be No Math on This Wednesday One-Liner

Girl on cell: I would have had to study way a lot more to do better on that exam.

–72nd St & Broadway

Student: I cheated on every test in that class…I even cheated on the survey!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Guy: I can't decide which song to listen to. (girls around him look at him quizzically) No, I normally listen to Van Halen's Right Now before a test, but this is my first exam in law school, and I want to set a precedent.

–Fordham Law School Cafeteria, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: pumpkin

Guy on phone: Yeah, normally in these situations I'd knock on my head, but I need my brain for the test today, so I'm not going to pretend it's wood.

–Ditmars & 31st St

Overheard by: Natalie

Student on phone: So what? I don't care that they're mad at me for getting pregnant again. I've got bigger things to deal with…two finals in one day.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Proctor: Okay, now don't leave any of the answers blank, cause it will be wrong. If you don't know, take a guess. It's like lotto: "Hey, you never know."

–New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene

Overheard by: Kristina

Posted on February 11, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, College, Compare/Contrast, Education, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Hospitals, Lies, Music, On Cell, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Street, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

If You're Wednesday and You Know It, Clap Your One-Liners!

Man: Is this the happy train? (no reply) Oh, this is the depressed train. Who wants spare change?

–N Train

Overheard by: ellen.

Big old Russian guy: So vhy you drink? You drink ven you are happy, and you drink ven you are sad. Me, I am either happy, or I am sad. So me, I am drinking all the time!

–Deli, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Zinny

Large woman on cell: I wanted to suck away your happiness, do you understand? I just wanted to suck it away!

–Grand Central Station

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. So then he pulls the rubber duck out of his (lowers voice) ass and says he loves me. Yeah, for the first time, I was so happy…

–B Train

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Delis, Drinking & Drunk People, Fat People, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Happiness, Men, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Questions, S&M, Street, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

On Dark Nights, Wednesday One-Liners Walk the Streets

50-something suit on cell: So, are you coming or do you have to zombie-proof the apartment again?

–Downtown 6 Train

Youngish guy all in black: Vampires are so 90s. (female companion nods emphatically)

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Emily

Guy yelling to people dressed as zombies: Are there any fine zombies there that want to suck my dick?

–Union Square

Girl in Santa costume: Where are my fucking elves?!

–LaGuardia High School

Teen girl to friend: Well there are so many leprechauns at that school anyway, what do you really expect?

–Xavier High School

Overheard by: isa

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Guys, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Questions, School and studying, Street, Suits, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Too Many Wednesday One-Liners to Count

Loud obnoxious girl in movie theater: Oh yeah, I confuse a billion and a million all the time.

–Union Square Movie Theatre

College student to friend: Yo, I know doctors that are making mad money but are still behind because of their student loans! One of them told me that I should go to a CUNY or SUNY for my undergrad, then spend the big bucks at a private college for my grad. Yo, it costs $200,000 to go to school, that's like half a million dollars!

–E Train

Overheard by: hopefully he won't be measuring doses

Creepy bald tattooed guy: 30% of communication is verbal. (creepy lady nods) And that means that the other 60% is done with our bodies…I've done the research it's incredible.

–Spring St & Greene St

Overheard by: Seth

Girl on phone: Yeah, so everyone else had like 3, or 5, and I had 75.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jenn

Blonde teen on cell: 12 is not a baker's dozen, it's only a dozen. A baker's dozen is like 144. I've only slept with twelve guys, okay? Get off my back!

–Amsterdam Ave b/w 90th & 91st

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Creepsters, Friends, Girls, Guys, Medicine, Money & Class, Movie Theaters, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Promiscuity, School and studying, Science, Sex, Soho, Street, Students, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Just Got Off the Boat– Again

Puerto Rican guy to another: Out of all the continents, Staten Island is the craziest.

–Spring St b/w Mott & Elizabeth

Overheard by: Jack D

Girl to guy: I can't wait to be a Staten Islander.

–28th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Jennifer

Suit on cell: I take the Staten Island ferry because it's like a free cruise.

–60th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Mike

Ferry announcer: Please follow the signs posted for your assistance, and please see uniformed crew men in case of emergency. Thank you for riding the Staten Island ferry. Have a nice life!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Steven

Professor: So is anyone here from Staten Island? (no reply) Good!

–NYU

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Classroom, Compare/Contrast, Ferry, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Murray Hill and Gramercy, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Puerto Ricans, Soho, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday May Have Soiled Its One-Liners

Man on cell: She said I had to pay, so I shat in her mouth and left.

–34th & 5th

Three-year-old boy, looking overjoyed: I have to go poop!

–Store, 18th & Union Square West

Overheard by: i had to go, too!

Woman getting on train, giggling: I got a question…is there a pile of feces on this train?

–A Train

Elderly man on phone: Yesterday I coughed and shat my pants.

–3rd Ave & Fordham

Four-year-old boy, dancing: I like to move it, move it! I like to poop it, poop it!

–E 69th St McDonald's

Overheard by: Leslie

Brunette on cell: And then I told her, "hey hey, I'm not the fecal freak here. Don't go throwing poo at me." I mean really, I don't even like my own poo. I'm supposed to like hers?

–Williamsburg

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clothing, Girls, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Street, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Wednesday One-Liner Can Drink Milk As Adults

Crazy guy (inexplicably overjoyed): Heyyyyy! White people!

–1 Train

Gay black man on cell: She is such a delicate white cunt, she can't raise her own child. She needs a Jamaican man to do it.

–45th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Kristy Magyar

Angry black guy: I swear to god I'm bout to start slappin' white people.

–Union Station

Overheard by: scared white guy

White English guy to Anglo-Filipino chick: I don't think we'll be welcome there because we're white.

–Nostrand & St. Mark's, Brooklyn

Black guy: Man, I love white people, and I never shot anybody!

–Times Square

Panicked child: Mommy, why are there so many white people here?

–Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting

Posted on February 4, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Asians, Bitch-slap, Black People, Brits, Brooklyn, Crazies, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, Guys, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Queer guys, Questions, Race, Rockefeller Center, Shoot, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Threats, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

A Wednesday One-Liner by Any Other Word Would Smell As Sweet

Sikh guy: I know a guy from high school who wore a name tag for eight years.

–W 4th St

Man on cell: You know, what's-her-face, she's friends with what's-her-name in HR.

–54th & 6th

Aging Guido: So there was this girl, I loved her, what was her name? Oh right, Nina. She lived in this fucked-up place. She said she had one kid, I went over one time, there were like three. Anyway, one time she was all like, "could I get three thousand pesos?" or whatever, and I was like, "Sure, if I get to fuck you and your friend!"

–1 Train

Mother to whiny brunette daughter: If you don't stop complaining I'm going to change your name. (pause) Yes, I'm going to change your name to Merlot, and your sister will be Chardonnay.

–61st & Madison

Overheard by: nancy

Small girl to unsuspecting male stranger: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! (indicating mother) Her name's Sophia.

–M 96 Bus