Cuba Gooding Jr: “Show Me the Wednesday One-Liner!”

CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!

–Q Train

Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!

–85th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jesse D

Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Greg

Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: DRC

Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.

–Pratt Institute

Posted on March 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, Central Park, Clerks, College, Girls, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Office politics, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Public Transportation, Singing, Street, Students, Stupidity, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

I’m Sure Your Brother is Saying the Same Thing

Guy on cell: …so I say to her, “Why the hell do you have a cell phone if you don’t use it?”. God, my brother is an asshole and my girlfriend is a moron!

–Clinton Street

Overheard by: nappytee

Posted on March 12, 2015
Assholes, Cell Phone, Family Ties, Guys, Insults, Lower East Side, On Cell, Questions, Sex & Relationships

‘I’ Before ‘E’, Except After ‘C’, or in Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s weird, it feels like I’m still alive.

–W 8th & Broadway

Guy: I still think surprise necrophilia is weird.

–Robert Louis Stevenson School

Overheard by: Lucas

Man to woman companion: I hate single people. They’re all weird.

–90th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Man on cell: February is a weird month for Jews.

–9th St. and 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Trader Joe’s employee to another: No, I would not call her weird. It takes a lot for me to call somebody else weird because I am not the most normal person on the planet myself. Meow!

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Overheard by: Ingwall

Observant girl: Just because you get weird haircuts doesn’t mean you’re smart.

–Bowery & Rivington

Posted on March 12, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Hair, Insults, Judaism, Lower East Side, Men, On Cell, Relationships, Sensory Experiences, Street, The Village, Time, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Wednesdays Wish They Could Be More Like One-Liners

White teenage boy to black teenage boy: She thinks I am a rapist or something.
(black teenage boy giggles) Which I am cool with, you know what I mean?

–Bay Ridge Ave & 4th Ave

Brunette Guido girl: Ohmigosh, you would love this girl, she's like, the only cool blonde person. This one time she was just like "Dude, can we just do the peace-and-love thing? Cause, I don't know how to fight."

–LIRR

Overheard by: whaaasgood

Fashion intern: I had swine flu last year, before it was cool.

–Cafeteria, Hearst Tower

Overheard by: interns are our future

Bike rider on phone, walking with girlfriend: I don't have his number, but you can call Tom* and go down there. Those guys are pretty cool. You can just go down there and give them a prostate massage.

–Riverside Park

Posted on March 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Clerks, Couples, Fashion, Guidos, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Race, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers

It’s Wednesday One-liners, Baby

Teen girl on cell: …you just gotta sit him down and say we’re both pregnant by him and we wanna know if we can get along!

–Canal Street

JHS boy: Let’s make like a fetus and head out.

–Broadway & Washington Place

Drunk girl: How could I be pregnant? I like women!

–Times Square

Thug on cell: Nigga, how you been? Shit, I had five kids since I last seen you!

–Elizabeth & Prince

Guy on cell: Do we have to wash you and shave you and put a diaper on you before tonight?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: djlindee

Posted on March 8, 2015
Babies, Chinatown, Drinking & Drunk People, Kids, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, People, Places, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Relationships, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Teens, Thugs, Times Square

Scott Baio Is 45…and a Wednesday One-Liner

Man to woman: You wouldn't procreate with Boomer Esiason, even though he's the king of Cincinnati?

–Deli, Canal & Hudson

Overheard by: Uncle Bling

Man on cell: Elvis made ten million dollars last year and he's dead. There's no reason I can't make a thousand.

–Park Slope

Hipster: I like Steve Buscemi a lot more than I like you.

–Life Cafe, Bushwick

Overheard by: D

Woman in Southern accent to man: Look, the McGraw-Hill building. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill must own that building!

–W 49th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Michael

Middle aged white man to friend: I finally figured it out. "Mystikal" sounds like a constipated Samuel L. Jackson.

–LIRR

Posted on March 8, 2015
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Death, Delis, Football, Friends, Hipsters, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Music, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Soho, Southerners, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, White People, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Think Of It As “Long-Term Borrowing”

Rich girl: I went to Forever21 and bought a dress. Then I stole some sunglasses and other accessories along with it, cause you know, times are rough.

–Metro-North Rail

Run-down-looking middle-aged guy: I got my phone stolen. Uh-huh. No, it wasn't even a trick, it was a friend!

–Home Depot, 23rd St

Overheard by: STC

Very loud child at display of cars to mother in line: It's okay, mom! You don't need to buy one for me. I can just take one and run out. Maybe even two, easy!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn

Overheard by: oneofmanymikes

Shopping lady to friend: It's okay to steal but it's not okay to be gay.

–94th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: venniblue

Girl on phone: So you actually caught him stealing from you? (pause) Okay. (pause) Well, you didn't want that anyway. So you're still going to fuck him, right?

–Broadway & 21st St

Posted on March 7, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Friends, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Kids, Men, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Rich people, Sex, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, Thievery, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Lost the Chess Match

Exasperated hipster chick on cell, rolling eyes: Well, you probably should have known. I mean, I told you yesterday it was a terrible idea to go out and get wasted the night before you work with cadavers…

–83rd & 1st

Overheard by: i’ll remember that for next time…

Little boy pointing to top of Trump Tower: If I fell off of that, I would die!

–Trump Tower

Overheard by: Horrified

Suit to another: … So at, like, four a.m. this morning I rolled over to feel her, and she was, like, dead.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Glad I’m not sleeping with him

Old lady on cell: Well, I may be dead by then, so it might be a waste of your money.

–Fairway, 73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Jessie

Man on cell: … Yeah, but wouldn’t my witness getting killed be bad?

–Key Food, Kew Gardens Hills, Queens

Overheard by: kilbasi

Third grader: Miss Hannah, let’s make a deal — if you give me an ax, I’ll give you 10 corpses.

–PS 41

Overheard by: Student Teacher

Posted on March 4, 2015
Death, Hipsters, Kids, Old People, On Cell, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph

Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!

–Bedford Ave, Brooklyn

Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?

–6th Ave & 57th St

Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him — that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: She was probably right…

Guy: I just told her, ‘Keep on fakin’ those orgasms!’

–7th Ave & 32nd St

Suit on cell in McDonald’s: Yeah, well, I’m in Connecticut right now…

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Blaine

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kyle

Posted on February 27, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Girls, Guys, Liars, Lies, On Cell, Queer guys, Suits, Wednesday One-Liners

“That'sa Spicy Wednesday One-Liner!”

Drunk guy, matter-of-factly: Everyone comes in here and thinks they're smelling pot, when really they're just smelling Italians.

–Hammerstein Ballroom Men's Room

Young girl on cell: Well, I mean, I have eaten macaroni. Does that count as Italian?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Kayla Monetta

Man on cell: And this guy smelled like shit! (pause) Yeah, I told him, "you smell like Italian."

–E 10th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: molina1230

Loud bridesmaid at Guido wedding: I'm Sicilian from the waist up, American from the waist down.

–Brooklyn Botanic Garden

College guy to friend: From the minute they got here, they started eating. Italian feasts are pornography. Italian food is illicit sex to the puritans. Everything the puritans eat is bland and brown.

–Brooklyn College

Middle-aged, pot-bellied guy with a long pony-tail, stopping young woman on the street: Excuse me, but I just want to say, once you've had Italian food, you're not hungry for anything else. I just ate a calzone and now I'm going to go home and just go to sleep!

–8th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Not hungry either

Posted on February 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Grand Central, Guidettes, Italians, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Porn, Questions, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Strangers, Street, Students, The Village, Theater, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

On Cell