On Cell

Four-year-old girl to nanny: No, princesses don't get tickled. They just dance and get married.

–North Williamsburg

Overheard by: anti-feminist

White girl in hoodie: If I see any of the other girls there want to dance with you they'd better watch out, 'cause it's stab-a-slut Sunday.

–J Train

Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, "wanna dance?" and I was like "okay," so she started dancing mad good. She was grinding up against me with her ass.

–3rd Ave & 71st, Brooklyn

Gay guy on cell in long line during Circuit City closeout: Does it have speakers? Because I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the music. It's really cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?

–Circuit City, Union Square

Drunk girl to Guido she knocked heads with while dancing: I'm a drinker, not a dancer!

–Hook & Ladder Pub, Murray Hill

Overheard by: also a drinker

Professor: I'm of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly's "Hot in Here." We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don't lie.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: queenofscots

Girl on cell: It was spanky-wanky like I’ve never seen.

–72nd St & Columbus Ave

Overheard by: Scarfish

Brunette on cell: It doesn’t sound that bad… Get a hold of yourself, it’s only a little torture.

–Waverly & University

Punk hootchie #1: I mean, why shouldn’t we feel pain when we want to?
Punk hootchie #2: [Shrugs.]Punk hootchie #1: I mean, my mom’s on ecstasy all the time, so why shouldn’t she try out bondage?

–Manhattan-bound 7 train

Loud chick: Objectify me!

–116th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Mixmaster Mike

Chick on cell: He likes to go slow and gentle, which is okay, but sometimes I wish he’d just pull my hair and spank me a little.

–11th & Broadway

Girl on cell: Yeah, baby, I’m all alone in my apartment on my bed. I’m taking my panties off now. Mmm, I’m touching myself, thinking of you. I’m all wet for you, baby.

–outside Starbucks, 54th & Broadway

Suit on cell: Yes, I’m wearing suspenders.

–Wall & Broadway

Overheard by: Alexis

Indian girl, speaking on her cell-phone: Jewish people don’t speak English, and they’re great businessmen. Chinese people don’t speak English, and they’re great businessmen. So you don’t have to speak English either to be a great businessman!

— Penn Station

Little girl to mother: I like the way you taste.

–SoHo

Overheard by: nicky d

Dude on cell: Mice are cannibalizing other mice? Oh, god, that’s awful!

–7 train, Queens

Overheard by: Anthony

Goth chick to another: I don’t care, I am not eating Matthew’s mother’s flesh!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Me neither

Ghetto dude: Heh, heh… Heh… Fried nigga-fingers!

–13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rebecca Odorisio

Ghetto girl to two others: He said he was gonna marinate me for a while… Yes, he did!

–Manhattan-bound E train

Overheard by: Julz

Chick on cell: We’ll never run for office on the conservative Christian ticket now that we’ve discussed eating fetuses with teriyaki sauce.

–Harlem

Woman: This is my favorite part…of the worst song ever.

–MTV Studios, Times Square

Man on cell: No, it is not like the time I farted at Target and blamed in on that old woman!

–22nd & Park

Overheard by: Bill Ray

Drunken yuppie guy: I want my Subway sandwich! I want my Subway sandwich! Tuna and onions! Yeah, you heard me. Girls love big cocks. Girls love big cocks! These girls know. I’m on…I’m on Comedy Central! I’m a redneck on Comedy Central! My name is Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! Heywood Jablowme! I’m from Texas where girls suck cock for a dime!

–32nd & 2nd

Woman: Did you hear Cooter wouldn’t endorse that remake?

–7 train

Overheard by: Todd Horan

Guy: God, I feel like I’m trapped in a fucking Hallmark Card.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Shoshana

Latina: …and he looks evil and the Princess is saying to him, “You are a good person” and he looks so evil and then she is with Obi King Wasabi and he said he is on the dark side and then the shorty guy–what is his name?–Yoga said, “He is on the dark side” and then Dark Wader he is with the cape and looks all angry and evil reminded me of me on Mondays.

–58th & Lexington

Overheard by: Brandy Rowell

Guy on cell: Don’t play games with me or I’ll break your fuckin’ nose. Have you got the money? Where’s the fuckin’ money?

–47th & 5th

Overheard by: Adam Bertocci

Ghetto kid on cell: Yo, yo, you don’t want to play football? …Right, right, so just when you tackle them, put your hand in their pockets and take their money!

–M14 bus

Hobo: God, lady, I’m not asking for a million dollars; I’m just asking for some change!

–14th between 5th & University

Overheard by: theNJl

Biker dude: She’s a shrink and a psychiatrist, so you know she’s rollin’ in money.

–Starbucks, 27th & Park

Overheard by: Brawny McBrawnerson

CEO on phone: Fuck you! Just get me the things I need to make money.

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Older man wearing yarmulke, screaming into cell: Hi! I think I left a check for $19,000 in the armoire, can you check if its there? (pause) Oh, good! I was so worried! I will deposit it tomorrow! (pause) Yeah! I'm going over the bridge! (pause) Okay? I gotta go! Bye!

–Q Train

Frustrated girl on cell: I've only got a metro card and $20! I can't take the bus!

–85th & Columbus

Overheard by: Jesse D

Female student: My dad didn't pay two $200,000 for me to be a bartender.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Greg

Singing hobo: I work hard for the money, I work hard for the money, so you better work hard for me!

–W 4th St

Overheard by: DRC

Bursar office attendant: All we do is take yo money.

–Pratt Institute

Guy on cell: …so I say to her, “Why the hell do you have a cell phone if you don’t use it?”. God, my brother is an asshole and my girlfriend is a moron!

–Clinton Street

Overheard by: nappytee

Guy on cell: Yeah, it’s weird, it feels like I’m still alive.

–W 8th & Broadway

Guy: I still think surprise necrophilia is weird.

–Robert Louis Stevenson School

Overheard by: Lucas

Man to woman companion: I hate single people. They’re all weird.

–90th b/w 2nd & 3rd

Man on cell: February is a weird month for Jews.

–9th St. and 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Trader Joe’s employee to another: No, I would not call her weird. It takes a lot for me to call somebody else weird because I am not the most normal person on the planet myself. Meow!

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Overheard by: Ingwall

Observant girl: Just because you get weird haircuts doesn’t mean you’re smart.

–Bowery & Rivington