Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: My identity has totally shifted, and so have my bowel movements.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Mickey Smith

Girl to another: I took a shit in Starbucks… did you take a shit in Starbucks?

–Outside Starbucks

Woman to friend: There were no feces for (pause) two days.

–Canal and W Broadway

Overheard by: LizzieD

Girl in toilet stall, repeatedly: Someone pooped on the floor! This is so gross! Medieval freaks! And it's shaped like a dragon! Come here and look at it!

–New York Renaissance Fair

British woman to man she's walking with, as they look at a pigeon: Of course he doesn't have to sit down to poo, he's a bird!

–Washington Square South

Enraged crazy old lady feeding pigeons, to punk kid chasing pigeons: Eat the caca! Eat the caca!

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: ShaghouseGirls

Posted on October 7, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Boys, Brits, Brooklyn, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Food, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Parks, Poop, Punks, Questions, Starbucks, Street, Stupidity, Time, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Who's Gonna Hold Wednesday's Hair While She One-Liners?

Self-tanned woman on BlackBerry, pushing stroller: I'm gonna puke because you're not here with me!

–American Eagle

Overheard by: liveyourlife

Cheerful woman on cell: Oh yeah, I been getting mad nauseous on this bus! But I ain't putting my face near that toilet back there, nuh-uh. I'd rather get sick all over myself.

–Chinatown Bus to DC

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy waiting for n train: I just want to fucking go home and puke in my own fucking toilet!

–Canal St & Broadway

Woman: I come out of the bathroom after three hours of him barfing, and people think we were having sex! You think I'm that hot at 46 to go shag my boy in the middle of a party? And even if I were, I would have been gone for, what? Like, ten minutes? Max!

–Time Warner Building

Girl to friends: I definitely think gay vomit would be the prettiest.

–Perry & Bleecker

Overheard by: other contenders?

Posted on October 7, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Body Parts, Bus, Celebrations/Parties, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Hook Ups, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Store, Street, The Village, Time, Vomit, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Give Me a Wednesday With One-Liners, Long Beautiful One-Liners

Latino nanny to redheaded toddler, after he throws his hat at her: Put your hat back on your hair! It's freaking people out.

–Central Park

Disheveled raggedy hobo, reprimanding suit: Get a haircut!

–Wachovia Wells Fargo

Overheard by: CS

Loud black girl on cell phone: You know where the train station is, where all them homeless people live? Yeah, that's where I go get my hair done. She doesn't fuck my hair up, because I told her, "you best not fuck my hair up." And now she never does. (chuckles)

–LIRR

Overheard by: kill her

Beautiful angry woman on cell: I had told you to meet me at 116th Street because I got my hair in my bag! My weave hair! I had wanted to do my hair later, because it's too damn hot to be sitting up in that place. But I'm not going to no damn barbecue with weave hair in my bag!

–The Bronx

Overheard by: Shrimp on the barbie

Little boy with squirt gun: No! You wetted my hair! My beautiful flowing hair!

–Rockefeller Park

Posted on September 30, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bank, Beauty, Black People, Central Park, Clothing, Food, Girls, Hair, Heat, Hobos, Homeless, Kids, Latinos, Laughter, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Suits, The Bronx, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: Willing, but Unripe

Loud-mouthed girl to friends: She says, "I've had sex with over 100 men." And so I says, "girl! You fourteen!"

–R Train

Thirty-something black man to Catholic high school girls: So what's it take for a couple of black guys to get to play with y'all's skirts?

–Metro-North

Overheard by: kfkdjsdf

Father to infant daughter in stroller: Hey! Close your legs!

–SoHo

Professor: Your favorite teacher from high school turned out to be a pedophile? Seriously? Well was he a real pedophile, or just a hooking-up-with-teenage-students kind of pedophile?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Jack Package

13-year-old girl on phone: So guess what… I lost my virginity last night… looks like you owe me a soda.

–H & M

Overheard by: Imani

Posted on September 30, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Dads, Drinks, Fordham, Friends, Hook Ups, Kids, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pick-up Lines, Promiscuity, Questions, Race, Robbing the Cradle, School and studying, Sex, Soho, Store, Students, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Will Cut a Bitch

Ghetto fabulous sister to another, walking out of bar: You gotta be a classy ho! Bitch!

–Fulton & Lafayette, Brooklyn

Woman on cell: No! He wants a fight and I'm going to fuck her up! I'm going to snap that bitch in half! (pause) I will snap that bitch in half! (pause) Okay, I love you too. (hangs up) Oh, she messed with the wrong bitch!

–27th St, between 6th and 7th

Overheard by: Hungry

Blonde yelling on cell: I was not being a bitch or picking a fight! I was saying "I love you, and these are my concerns"!

–27th St b/w Park Ave & Lexington

Overheard by: V

Girl to another: That's when I knew I was a bitch. My homegirl got kicked in the head by a ho… and I laughed!

–Coney Island Ave & Newkirk

30-something suit: I just need a bitch with an accent!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: CourtSnort

Mom to son, after looking through his phone: Who is in your phone as b-i-t-c-h?

–M60 Bus

Overheard by: Jingles

Posted on September 30, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Brooklyn, Bus, Cell Phone, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Fighting and ass kicking, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Insults, Kick, Laughter, Love, Moms, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Parents, Questions, Street, Suits, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Go to a Donner Party

Honest woman: I have no maternal instinct. If I had young, I would eat them.

–Artepasta Restaurant

Overheard by: subway phantom

Girl: That wasn't my idea! My idea was cannibalism!

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Girl to another: Can I nibble your butt for a minute?

–Hunter High School

Overheard by: uh oh

Mets fan, yelling at opposing team's right fielder: Don't you look at me, number 47! I'll eat your eyeballs!

–Citifield

Overheard by: Jonathan Abraham

Guy on cell: What do you think about "Horace W. Cannibal?"

–6th & 27th

Overheard by: Eve

Posted on September 23, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Hunter, Men, Names, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island, Street, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liner Pong

Frat dude: Mickey Mantle is the one dead person I would totally bring back to life to have gay sex with.

–Yankee Stadium Museum

Overheard by: sternie

30-something fratboy to wife: He still gives me mixtapes like we're still in high school!

–65th & Broadway

Overheard by: ENGLEBERT

Young frat boy to friend, deadpan: I came on her face. Then her mom walked in.

–59th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Josie

Drunk frat boy trying to pick up a girl wearing a red and white striped shirt: I'm sorry for interrupting, but I just wanted to tell you…I found Waldo.

–88th & 1st

Fratboy on phone: When was the baby born? (pause) Sick, dude!

–Penn Station

Posted on September 23, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Books & Writing, Couples, Cum, Death, Drunks, Frat Boys, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, More museums, Music, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penn Station, Pick-up Lines, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, School and studying, Sex, Street, Stupidity, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Yankee Stadium, Yankees

Fuck One-Liners and the Wednesday They Rode in on

Angry woman, venting: Oh, but he doesn't know I scrapbook like a motherfucker.

–M&J Trimming

Girl, screaming: Fuck you, International Baccalaureate!

–Brooklyn

Really angry guy on cell: I'm talkin' about mothafuckin' cookies and apple juice!

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Q

Well-dressed black man, addressing entire train: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to talk to you today about… fucking. You see, everybody likes to fuck. My parents love to fuck. My ex-wife–she loved to fuck. President Obama, he enjoys fucking…

–Q Train

Overheard by: Hunter

Six-year-old girl to mother, ready for day at the beach: Shit, mom! It's fucking raining!

–Q Train

Suit on cell, cheerily: Okay, fuck you, bye!

–7th Ave & 50th St

Overheard by: dignell

Posted on September 23, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Drinks, Food, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, President, Sex, Store, Suits, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Love You Long Time

Cop to 7-Eleven employee: Man, I saw the hottest hooker last night!

–23rd St

White guy: People in Boston really like whoremongering, I guess.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Man on cell: But I'm the best escort in the country!

–Chelsea

Man on cell: I used to pay for hookers.

–10th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: nomo

Man on phone: The Caribbean thing… No, not the prostitute.

–Fulton St

Thugette to boyfriend: You don't have to go to Vegas to get a hooker, honey, you can just go to Atlantic City.

–Staten Island Ferry

Posted on September 23, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Ferry, Guys, Men, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Prostitution, Staten Island Ferry, Street, Thugs, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Forgot Their Coffee This Morning

Train conductor: This is New York Penn Station. New York Penn. For those of you who are just waking up, this is Penn Station. If you are supposed to get off at New York Penn, wake up and get off now! (train leaves) Those of you who are just waking up: if you were supposed to get off at New York Penn Station, you just missed it! I told you to get up!

–Amtrak Train

College guy: Last night I woke up on an oriental rug and I had no idea where I was.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Hispanic lady: Quiet down, some people are trying to sleep!

–6 Train

Man to friend: She can sleep in the closet.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wait what?

Loud pharmaceutical salesman to doctor: They say that New York is the city that never sleeps, right? You know why? You know why? Herpes!

–Doctor's Office, Astoria

Woman on cell: So I walked into a room and she's there, chained to a chair. And he had a gun, pointing it at me, saying he was gonna shoot me. Then I started crying. And he fucking shot her. (people on bus look worried) And then I woke up.

–M4 Bus

Overheard by: trev

Posted on September 16, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Brooklyn, Bus, Central Park, Clerks, Conductors, Crying, Directions, Doctors, Frat Boys, Friends, Latinos, Men, Office, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Only in New York, Parks, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Shoot, STDs, Stupidity, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

On Cell