Wednesday One-Liners Are Older, but No Wiser

Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs.

–W 72nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith

Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow…I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs!

–Broome & Essex

Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill.

–Starbucks

Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya?

–27th & Broadway

Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body?

–Bowery

Overheard by: Lauren

Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it…and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture)

–53rd St & 10th Ave

Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me!

–Carnegie Hall

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Death, Drinking & Drunk People, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Lower East Side, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, Shoot, Smoking, Starbucks, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wheelbos, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Contemplate Eating Their Young

Man yelling at children: If I see it I spank it!

–94th St & Columbus

Overheard by: olivia

Mother to complaining seven-year-old daughter: Let's pretend we're the Israelites wandering in the desert.

–42nd St & 8th Ave

Mom to child: If you do that again, I swear to god, I will make you ride outside! I will strap you to the wing and make you ride outside!

–JetBlue Plane, JFK Tarmac

Woman to small child looking at store window: Jean-Claude, you simply cannot be this demanding at two and a half!

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paula Katinas

Mother to screaming child: You are so mean! Who raised you? Wild animals? Indians?

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: Mememonkey

Mom getting on subway to small kids: Well, now you know what "burlesque" means!

–1 Train

Posted on June 10, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, JFK Airport, Judaism, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Street, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: j

Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!

–Fordham Law School

Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.

–Queens College

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Clothing, Crime and Punishment, Film, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Hair, Internet, Laughter, Lube, On Cell, One-liners, Paranoia, Parks, Penis, Porn, Preppies, Queens, Queens College, Robbing the Cradle, Sex, Shopping, STDs, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Kinda Fruity

Suit: If Mark didn't fall asleep and get his photo taken with lemons on his head, he might still be here.

–Elevator, Midtown

Overheard by: It got even better when they elaborated

Sweater-clad hipster guy: I probably spend more per year on strawberries and cream than on my education. It's worth it, though. I value them more than my education.

–Starbucks, Brooklyn

Teenage girl: I don't want you to tell me there's a banana somewhere in there, I want to see the banana go in there!

–Church Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sonny

Girl to guy drinking juice: Eating mangoes makes vaginas taste better.

–Broadway & 9th St

Overheard by: Jessica

Irritated voice in choir loft, in the dark, at the end of Good Friday service: In all the excitement, I seem to have sat on my banana.

–60th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: haysoos

Man on cell: Did anybody give grandma her mango? You know that bitch flips shit if she don't get her mango!

–Central Park

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on June 3, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Education, Elevators, Family Ties, Food, Fruit, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pictures, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Starbucks, Street, Suits, Teens, The Village, Upper East Side, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu

Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.

–ER, Saint Vincent Hospital

Overheard by: Dustin

Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.

–96th & Columbus Ave

Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!

–East Village

Overheard by: Erin

Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.

–R Train

Overheard by: what the hell?

Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.

–116th & Broadway

Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amused Freshman

Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know…it's like 70 degrees here!

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: AwkwardTwig

Posted on June 3, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cancer, Columbia University, Cops, Crazy, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Friends, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Heat, Hippies, Hospitals, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pee, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Only Wednesday One-Liners Bother to Look Up

British tourist, passing by The Pink Tea Cup Southern restaurant: Oh, look–an urban menu!

–Bleecker & Grove

Young Asian tourist girl: You mean, there's not actually any fields?

–Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: Jason K.

Tourist, in thick Southern accent: I just don't understand how they turn the trains around so fast, and we don't see them do it!

–Grand Central Station, Shuttle Train

Overheard by: Sara

Tourist hick teen to others: Everybody's wearin' shoes!

–33rd St & 6th Ave

Elderly tourist being escorted to her seat: Oh! I hope we get a booth!

–Olive Garden

Overheard by: EthanK

Tourist to friend: No, we cannot go into a store. I cannot leave Broadway. How else would you expect me to get discovered?

–Time Square

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Brits, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Food, Foreigners, Friends, Grand Central, Jobs & Careers, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoes, Southerners, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken

Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: squished

Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan…what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?

–10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st

Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!

–H Mart

Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Haven't we all?

Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.

–Park Slope

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Asshole, Black People, Cleanliness, Dads, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fordham, Grocery Stores, Height, Hobos, Horny, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Poop, Preppies, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Are You Washed in the Wednesday One-Liners Of Jesus?

Teenage girl: My mom is always reminding me to lock my door because you got to worry about the bloods and the clots.

–Uptown 2 Train

Emo chick: So he goes to this party and he does it with this old guy. He pretty much went home with a bloody butthole.

–Roseland Ballroom

Overheard by: charlotte

Suit on cell: Never in my life have I seen that much blood in the trunk of a car.

–82nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Karyn

Small Asian girl to large drag queen: So then he, like, bit off his tongue and nearly bled to death. (long pause) Or maybe I was just high.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Asshole, Backdoor, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, Celebrations/Parties, Death, Drag queens, Drugs, Elevators, Girls, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, Teens, Theater, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy Like a Wednesday One-Liner

Teacher to colleagues: When a student acts up a second time, I always throw something at the window and then do something like this (goes into fetal position and starts rocking) at my desk. I mean…these are first graders! You need them to think you're crazy from the very beginning, or you'll have a horrible year!

–Bar, Smith & Sackett

Paper baggin' hobo: I'm not sure who's crazier: me, or this beer. It's 23 degrees outside, and I'm drinking a cold beer!

–Jackie Robinson Park

Overheard by: Ian

High pitched 20-something girl to empty block: I feel like I'm taking crazy pills, here!

–58th & 7th

Female student on cell: Did you know him? (pause) Oh. Well, did Kate* know him? (pause) What? You girls are crazy! Yeah, you'd better lock your door!

–Fordham University

Man on cell: I'm feeling pretty good today. That's usually when I go off the deep end.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Crazy, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Fordham, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Soho, Street, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

If a Boy Is Your Friend, Is He Your Wednesday One-Liner?

Hot Latina: He doesn't look like someone I'd want to fuck. But neither does my boyfriend… Well, depending on what he's wearing.

–3rd Ave & 46th St

Overheard by: SillyUrn

Girl to friend: If my boyfriend ever asked me to do that, I would get a new boyfriend, preferably the blow-up one that I already have in my bed.

–Dorm, NYU

Overheard by: amused

Girl in leopard print pajamas: My boyfriend is the voice on Dora the Explorer. Name dropped.

–Elevator, NYU

Overheard by: babaganoush the great

Teen boy on cell: Hi, Lisa, it's Matt. Sarah and I were just talking about how much you love tools, so I went to Home Depot today and picked you up a new boyfriend.

–N Train

Overheard by: SueCity

Yuppie to friends: So my boyfriend called me last night and asked me, "Hey, do you even know my name?" and I said, "Well…no."

–1 Train

Overheard by: yams

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clothing, Elevators, Friends, Girls, Infidelity, Latinos, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Street, Teens, Video Games, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Yuppies

All Wednesday One-Liners