Wednesday One-Liners Don't Know How to Quit You

Tough guy on cell: Yeah, I was at the gay bah. It was two for ones. Whaddayou gonna do? Two for ones!

–Houston & Avenue A

Homeless man in subway station: Gay sex was invented to avoid child support.

–53rd St Subway Station

Overheard by: Billy

Woman on cell: Let me tell you something about this new generation of guys in New York: All gay.

–W 31st & Broadway

Overheard by: A passing gay man

Woman to husband: Not just a gay, but a heroin sheep gay.

–Broadway & 8th

Overheard by: TR

Cop to drunk: Who cares if you're gay? That doesn't give you the right to climb the fire escape.

–W 20th

Posted on January 7, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Couples, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Heroin, Hobos, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Sex, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-Liner Menthols

Suit to another, on smoking break: Cigarettes are out, cookies are in!

–33rd & Park Ave

Teen boy: I wanna take up smoking just to prove to people how easy it is to quit. Seriously, it's not that hard. Just don't buy a pack.

–74th & Lexington

Bum to another: And so the cops went in and found them… And you know they can't arrest them for smokin' that shit…it's part of their religion!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

Professor: The only reason valuable reason to start smoking is if you were molested as a child or some shit like that.

–Marymount Manhattan College

Girl on phone: So my roommate was bitching at me this morning for walking around in my underwear and I was like, "Dude, you got laid last night, I got yelled at by my booty call's girlfriend. I deserve to smoke cigarettes half naked on my patio."

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: innocent bystander

High school kid: Yo, I would smoke a cigarette dipped in toothpaste!

–Chambers St

Posted on January 7, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Cleanliness, Clothing, College, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Food, Girls, Hobos, Infidelity, Lower East Side, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Religion, Robbing the Cradle, Sex, Smoking, Street, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness

So I Told Her I Hadn't Seen Him in There, But I'd Check Again

Large man, in t-shirt and shorts, on cell: So I gave my ex-new-girlfriend…
Small man: Ex-new-girlfriend?!
Large man: Let me finish…I gave her a tour of my apartment, and when she asked why my closet door looked like it was about to come off its hinges I told her I had dead babies in there, as a joke. Apparently, her brother died when he was three months old.

–5th & E 78th

Posted on January 5, 2009
Dating, Death, Family Ties, Home, Sweet Home, Men, On Cell, Upper East Side, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Fight for Their Right to Potty

Pissing guy on phone: What do you mean you're not going to have sex with me? (entire bathroom laughs hysterically) See! Even these motherfuckers agree with me!

–Bathroom, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Bobby

Dad to young son in bathroom stall: Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Did you aim in the bowl? Did you aim in the bowl? (son comes out of stall) You did! But you didn't flush. One out of two ain't bad.

–Bathroom, Union Square Movie Theater

(constipation grunts and electronic sounds are heard inside next stall)
Guy in next stall, on walkie-talkie: Hey, Tony, turn the walkie-talkie off when you take a shit!

–Men's Room, Hilton Hotel

Drunk white girl: Oh my god, this bathroom is so dark. How am I supposed to see my vagina?

–East Village

Tall black British guy using the urinal, to himself: Repeat aftah me…you are a rock star! Ah! Yeah!

–5th Avenue

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brits, Dads, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Hotels, Insults, Kids, Laughter, Madison Square Garden, Movie Theaters, Music, On Cell, One-liners, Pee, Questions, Sex, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesdays Carry on Behind Their One-Liners' Backs

Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.

–49th & 6th

Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.

–Church St & Barclay

Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson

Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.

–6th Ave & 17th St

Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.

–N Train

Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"

–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Beauty, Birthdays, BJs, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dating, Family Ties, Food, Friends, Gangstas, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Home, Sweet Home, Infidelity, Laundromat, Lies, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Questions, Relationships, Street, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

“Hello? Pot to Kettle Here. You're Wednesday One-Liners.”

Loud, obnoxious man: I hate loud, obnoxious people!

–Nomad Restaurant

Girl with brutal Long Island twang: It's just, like, if you have a Boston accent, you sound, like, so unintelligent. Like, less intelligent than other people, even if you're smart. The accent makes you sound dumb.

–7 Train

Overheard by: IDigGraves94

Angry black woman: Fuck you! I'm a lady!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Annearchist

Flamboyantly gay man on the phone: Mom, I hate you, stop being such a faggot!

–46th & 5th

Suit on cell: Yeah? Well, she's a bitch and deserves to die. You wanna know why? Because she's ugly and she talks bad about people.

–47th St & 9th Ave

Tourist chick carrying a Starbucks coffee and three shopping bags to friend: We are the type to visit Wall Street and say capitalism is bullshit!

–Broadway & Cedar

Overheard by: mondoman

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Death, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Tourism, Tourists, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Hannibal the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.

–Central Park

Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Kelly D

Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!

–Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St

Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!

–86th & Broadway

Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: or snakes

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Body Parts, Boys, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Kids, Leisure, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Staten Island, Stupidity, Teens, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Appeal the Restraining Order

Jamaican woman on cell: Guess what? I don't stalk people anymore!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Kristen

Guy to another: I know where you live. I could totally stalk you.

–PATH Train

Overheard by: fish

Man on corner holding many whistles for sale, wearing multicolored, umbrella hat: Young man, get one for your skateboard. Great for bikers, joggers, walkers, fast talkers and park stalkers!

–59th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Emily

Woman on cell: Right, right…I want to show him that's not me: I'm *not* stalking him…I'm *not* obsessed with him.

–West 66 Street & Freedom Place

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

40-something woman to sister (waiting for Daniel Radcliffe to come out after first preview of Equus: Okay, let's go. It's okay. I saw him last week, and I know where he lives.

–Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: ouch, you just elbowed me in the face, bitch

Posted on December 24, 2008
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Guys, Harassment, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Sisters, Sports, Theater, Theater & Dance, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liner Pull the Trigger With Their Toes

Cheerful man with baby strapped to his chest: Lets all go stick our heads in the microwave!

–77th & Broadway

Overheard by: rachel

40-something man: They just upped my credit limit to $3,500, so on top of the few hundred I have saved up, I guess you could call me a ghetto millionaire… (later) So she's all depressed and wants to kill herself, says she's gonna jump off something. I told her, "Girl, you live in Duluth. You jump off anything there, the only thing that'll happen is you'll break your leg.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: He later used my shoulder as a pillow

Girl on cell: What a fucking selfish bitch. I can't believe she did that. I mean, I know she was like depressed or whatever, but you don't just hang yourself at your ex-boyfriend's house. (pause) No, I'm sorry, you don't just wait for everyone to go to sleep, sneak out, and hang yourself so then everyone has to find you like that. What a bitch.

–Megabus NYC

Overheard by: Tina

MTA employee, in between ordering food: They're all jumping on the tracks now. Everybody's committing suicide. They used to wait until Christmas. Now it's every day!

–Restaurant, Kew Gardens

Overheard by: Abbieprime

Posted on December 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Death, Ew, Jersey, Girls, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, Psychology, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Suicide, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Are Waiting for the Tooth Fairy

Lady on cell: I've been standing here for like fifteen minutes…I don't know which one to choose. It's so hard…it's been like years since I've bought toothpaste.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Doreen

40-something woman: I'm always wondering, is it teeth or tits?

–MJ Armstrong's Public House

Overheard by: JP

Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn't want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.

–Hester & Grand

Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!

–Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway