The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies.

–1 Train

College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out!

–Bleecker and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?

–St Marks Place, Staten Island

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor!

–52nd & 7th

Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones.

–Schenectady County Community College

Posted on May 2, 2020
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, College, Education, Fears, Girls, Home, Sweet Home, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Not New York, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, School and studying, Sex, Staten Island, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

How Much Is That Wednesday One-Liner in the Window?

Man eating brunch to male friend: We both came out seven years ago. We are puppy gay in dog years.

–Big Daddy’s Diner

Overheard by: Morgan

Very loving mom talking to daughter about her son: Hey! He is not an animal, he is not a dog. Well, at least not today!

–Hell’s Kitchen

Outraged woman to man: What? No! Do not put the dog in the furnace, Ted!

–Court Street

Chick with cigarette, on cell: … Leathery fetish dog-masks, or just Halloween style dog-masks?

–Outside Tagine, 40th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Philosophical suit: The only reason I haven’t divorced my wife is because of the dog.

–Upper East Side

Posted on April 29, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, S&M, Smokers & Smoking, Suits, Time, Upper East Side, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Feel a Lot Better Now

Guy to friends: A girl farted on my head once, and I dated her for three years.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: MC

Woman to friend: And then he farted in my mouth.

–Ding Dong Lounge

Overheard by: Rosalind

Hobo, farting loudly, turning at girl walking behind him: That's for you, you fucking bitch!

–Yellow Line Subway Station

Overheard by: Craigalanche

Latina on cell, firmly: I'm not bi-curious, I'm just fart-curious

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: olga

Crazy hobo: Once, I was eating Cracker Jacks, you know, the one with the prize in it? When I finished the box, I farted in it, then sealed it up again. When I opened it a week later, I got the surprise of my life!

–1 Train

Overheard by: nella

Posted on April 2, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Crazies, Dating, Farting & Burping, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Latinos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Sensory Experiences, Sexuality, Street, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Time, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners? Kinky!

300-pound girl on phone: Girl, you showed your whole booty crack? I know, he's into that kinky downtown shit.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: bastardo

Loud upstate girl: I think…doin' any kinda research inta furries? You're in trouble.

–Hudson & Houston

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Hoochie: I mean, you gonna handcuff me, then handcuff me. But, you know, when I gotta go do my shit, I gotta go.

–1st St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: stephie

Curly-haired girl on cell: I've totally got a cold too! But I've also got bondage tape. And a cell phone activated vibrator.

–Ouidad salon

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Suit to another, while having lunch on bench: You put duct tape on her mouth and you do it from behind.

–Central Park

Guy at table: You know, she's a quality girl, even when I was in handcuffs, I could tell that she was a quality girl.

–Carnegie Deli

Overheard by: Spazz

Posted on March 27, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Body Parts, Cell Phone, Central Park, Delis, Dildos and Vibrators, Fat People, Girls, Guys, Hootchies, Illness, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Questions, S&M, Soho, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness

We Can Spot Fake Wednesday One-Liners a Mile Away

Exasperated woman on phone: It's a phone interview! What does it matter what type of boobs I have?

–Office Building, 32nd & 7th

Overheard by: erkala

Girl, after guy accidentally hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeezing them, not hitting them!

–Toys R' Us, Times Square

Overheard by: Lotte

Upper West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It completely ruins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don't want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you're coming to New York? That's good. I called your mother, she said you're staying with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to another, while at lunch: I don't care if you think I live too fast and I'll be dead at 45. At least I'll die with a tittie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: sal b

Posted on March 26, 2020
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Body Parts, Bryant Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Death, Foreplay, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Height, Hobos, Men, Office, On Cell, Parents, Physical appearance, Questions, Rack, Sex, Store, Street, Stupidity, Times Square, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires, Women

And I Said, “Is This a Rhetorical Question?”

Guy on cell: So he said, ‘If you imagine yourself as a hot dog, would you eat yourself?’

–Tribeca

Overheard by: brrrrrrrrrrrrrt

Posted on March 23, 2020
Guys, Junk Food & Fast Food, On Cell, Psychology, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Today, Wednesday One-Liner Is a Woman.

Girl on cell: It just… It's not like it sucks. (pause) It just sucks, ya know? I mean, I had my period this morning, and I just wanna get high.

–Borough of Manhattan Community College

Overheard by: 447ght

Customer, buying two packs of Kotex: Next time you order these, you should get the kind with deodorant. It really makes a difference!

–112th St & St. Nicholas

Guy on cell: Dude! Guys don't PMS!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: allie

Girl #1: I once made a Nativity from feminine products. (awkward silence) They weren't used, though…

–Barnard

Overheard by: Brooklyn

Posted on March 21, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Customers, Drugs, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Menstruation, On Cell, One-liners, Port Authority, Religion, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday Accidentally Leaves a Sponge in the One-Liner

Woman: I told him I wasn't opposed to dinner just because he's had a vasectomy.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Preppy guy: They took cartilage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

UES woman: I'm going to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Overheard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it removed
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–Elevator in the Hudson Hotel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay – it's just routine anal surgery!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Tam

Posted on February 1, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Elevators, Food, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hotels, Medicine, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Preppies, Street, Surgery, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Enjoy Team Sports

20-something guy on BlackBerry: No, he's not gay. I was in a fivesome with him, but he's not gay.

–L Train

Girl to gay friend after walking into gay bar: Dude, either find me a straight boy or two Asians that will let me watch.

–NYC

Girl to guy friends: I mean, he's okay he had the threesome–the guy was his best friend!

–8th St & 5th Ave

Angry woman on phone: While you're out having orgies I am doing the real work!

–Victorian Flatbush

Pretentious professor type in academic tone: My ex had unrealistic fantasies. She used to dream about being fucked by God and Satan and the same time. How could I live up to that?

–NYU