Hipster girl: Oh, I’m not saying love doesn’t exist…just that I’m not going to ever have any, so why shouldn’t I just settle for money and sex?
–Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street
Overheard by: Keith
Hipster girl: Oh, I’m not saying love doesn’t exist…just that I’m not going to ever have any, so why shouldn’t I just settle for money and sex?
–Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street
Overheard by: Keith
Suit on phone: I don't think she knows. (pause) But it's just a night job! (pause) No, there's no way I'm pregnant. (pause) Why not?! Because I'm a man, goddammit!
–Starbucks
Woman on cell: So remember that time I thought I had that miscarriage?
–Grand Concourse & Fordham Road
Overheard by: Erica S
Slightly overweight girl: Thank you for the offer, sweetie, but I'm not pregnant. I'm just fat!
–M100 Bus
Overheard by: Tinathetiny
Tall girl on cell: No way! I thought *you* were going to impregnate *me*. I wanna have *your* children.
–Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: Ken Paprocki
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a stalled train directly behind us. We hope to be moving shortly. Once again, ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed by a train directly behind us. Thank you for your patience.
–6 Train
Overheard by: little_pooh_1
Conductor: The bathrooms on this train are located four cars from the rear; count four cars as you move forward from the end of the train. Forward is the direction the train is traveling in.
–Metro-North Railroad
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the next and last stop on this train is Jamaica. If you want to go somewhere, we're probably not going there… unless it's Jamaica, but that's highly unlikely. Jamaica, next and last stop!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Christian
Train conductor: This is Times Square, 42nd Street. Transfer is available to any train you could possibly imagine.
–Uptown Q Train
Train conductor, stalling train: Luis Garcia, could you please step off the train? The cops is lookin' for you… We will not move the train til Luis Garcia steps off the train. Luis?
–2 Train
Dude, in front of closed Staples: Staples doesn't open until fucking noon? What are we, in a goddamn small town? Noon? Am I supposed to be in fucking church right now? God!
–Meeker St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Simon
Girl on cell: Because I don't function in the world of time so well.
–7th Ave b/w 27th & 28th St
Overheard by: John C
Pilot on PA: JetBlue welcomes you to New York City, where the local time is 1:40… 1:45… Kinda… I think.
–JFK
Law student to another: What time is it in the real world?
–Fordham Law School
Ghetto chick to friend: Remember when you took that chinchilla from me, back in the day?
–Q Train
Overheard by: Chloe
Grungy dude on cell: So I jumped on my horse and got the fuck outta there.
–14th & 6th
Overheard by: bildita
Guy: …and those Egyptians had crocodiles. Those crocodiles that shoot lasers out of their eyes.
–Metropolitian Musuem of Art
Overheard by: Bonkers in Yonkers
Hipster chick: Deer antlers. Everywhere I go, all I see are deer antlers. I’m getting sick of it.
–14th St & 1st Av
Overheard by: Larry
Thug: I’m like super pimp. I pimp men and women… And cats and dogs. Shit, I got the whole animal kingdom.
–10th & Broadway
Composed chick on cell: He’s a giraffe, and I’m a leopard, and I’m never gonna be a giraffe. I’ve tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I’m gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It’s in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.
–Billiard Hall, Elizabeth & Bowery
Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.
–LIRR
Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it's hot. C) someone threw up.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Laura
Gay NYU student: I've already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.
–Tisch Hall, NYU
Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.
–LIRR, Drunk Train
Overheard by: Jason
Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto's, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)
–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)
–MacDougal St, The Village
Overheard by: Reid Rogers
Eight-year-old girl, singing: Fat lips, big lips, get your pregnant lips here!
–6 Train
Out-of-breath man on steps: Okay, man, breathe. Breathe like you're having your first child!
–W4 Subway
Overheard by: Keep Pushing On!
Pregnant woman on cell: So, yeah, I'm about 5 centimeters dilated, so I'm going to get a Tasti D-Lite and then go to the hospital.
–Rockefeller Center
Hot skinny, Asian girl to hot, skinny, blonde friends: So, am I going to get pregnant this month or what?
–57th & Park
Overheard by: would have liked to help her
Girl on phone: Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins.
–6 Train
Old Jewish lady to moron who parked in the walkway: Move your vehicle! Citizen’s arrest! Get the fuck out of my way!
–Brooklyn
Cop over squad car loudspeaker, to a cab driver: You’ve got to be kidding! Pull over your car now.
–74th St & Park Ave
Guy on cell: Driving? No, we shouldn’t take cars. Because people are gonna be drinkin’ and poppin’ pills and I want everyone to be safe!
–Union Square
Overheard by: rpk
Professor: So how many of you drive pick-up trucks?… Oh wait we’re in New York City, don’t see many pick-up trucks here… And why is that? Well of course it’s because you’d park your car one night and the next morning a small family of three will have a tent pitched in the back. Now there’s an awkward conversation… "Uhm excuse me, good morning but I kiiiind of need to drive to work so if you could unpitch the tent… That’d be excellent."
–St. John’s University, Queens
NYU girl on cell: No! I told you I wanted four doors! OK, love you, bye. (hangs up phone) Seriously, I told my dad I have too many friends for a two door, but that’s all he’s looking at! It’s like he’s not even buying the car for me. He’s so selfish!
–Classroom, NYU
Overheard by: Angie
Older woman on line at the Guggenheim to young British male who has been talking with a friend: "I programmed my car to sound just like you!"
–89th St & 5th Ave
Queer on cell: … And all this blood came out! It was really a lot… What? No, I told him to go in the bathroom and get cleaned up! Turkish prison? … No, I get it, it’s just not funny.
–23rd & 6th
Overheard by: Manhattman
Flight attendant: Folks, we do ask if you have a turkey sandwich that you put some mustard on it and hand it to me as I walk down the aisle… Not funny? Oh, I thought it was.
–Jet Blue Flight 32 to Rochester, NY
Little girl to father: Everything in here is old and looks funny.
–Museum of Natural History
Guy: It wasn’t funny until he hurt himself — then it was fucking hilarious.
–Subway station, 28th & Park
Blonde: I’m not, like, racist or anything. I just think racism is really funny!
–Broadway
Overheard by: Homeless Guy
Middle-aged woman to others: Just because she's got her own apartment, she thinks she has it all together.
–Near NYU
Overheard by: Eric
20-something guy to another, about his apartment: All I want to do in my apartment is die.
–Fort Greene, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Dodd Loomis
Woman on cell, walking briskly: There was blood all over the apartment…
–E 9th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave
Cashier to male shopper: Dude, your apartment is rent-stabilized and you have food stamps? You are so rich!
–Whole Foods, Houston & Bowery
20-something trendy Jonas Brother-looking dude on cell: No, I sleep on the couch that's in the kitchen. (short pause) I'll tell you about my apartment later.
–9th Ave b/w 14th & 15th
Overheard by: Dash
