Pilot: Welcome to the Titanic of airliners.
–Delta plane, LaGuardia
Pilot: Welcome to the Titanic of airliners.
–Delta plane, LaGuardia
Man on cell: You still love me even though I’m a fatty?
–113th & Broadway
Guy on cell: You know, dude, I could totally fall in love with her if she weren’t such a crack-whore.
–11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Kaitlyn
Loud hipster girl: Shrooms are like love and happiness. You don’t find them; they find you!
–Williamsburg waterfront
Overheard by: could use all three
Idealist: If he really loved me, wouldn’t he moisturize?!
–Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Ghetto girl: Love ain’t got nothin’ to do with the way you smellin’ right now!
–Chambers & Broadway
Overheard by: AWAG
Middle-Aged guy: But if she loved me so much, why did she point the shotgun at me?
–57th between 6th & 7th
Overheard by: harvey
Woman on cell: You know that Susan already hates you…Of course she’s just doing it to be a bitch…I love Susan.
–73rd & Columbus
Overheard by: Will
Large female southern tourist: It'd be really funny if we got stuck on the toilet and couldn't get up. It'd be the whole "help! Get me off this toilet!" thing.
–Bathroom, Metropolitan Museum of Art
Tourist woman to husband: Where's that cop who was here a minute ago? He gave me the wrong directions, and I wanna cuss him out for it!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Deeds
Tourist: Is this the building where people go all crazy about the numbers?
–Outside New York Stock Exchange
Overheard by: Kyle
50-something tourist husband to wife, while they share bites of same apple: I don't know why we came to this city… We can't even afford breakfast.
–34th & 7th
Hipster guy to hipster chick: …and he's like, "I didn't come; why is there so much come all over?" And she's like, "Oh, you're number 23." So he's like, "Oh, okay." And he starts pounding away again!
–Bedford & 11th, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Woman, with her mouth about an inch from a guy, about to kiss him: I can't, I already had sex with three guys today.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Derek
Girl to friend: I'm really worried about her. I think she has a serious case of slutism.
–66th & Columbus
Preppy girl on cell: Yeah, so apparently "Happy hour Tuesday" equals "Walk of shame Wednesday." I just wish I could've been working at my job for more than a week before I walked in reeking of shame and spermicide. (pause) Actually, I wish the spermicide thing was true. Then I wouldn't have to drop $50 bucks today on plan B.
–Wall St
Teenage boy on cell: She's still sleeping with my brother. I mean, my brother is sleeping with like ten other girls…but she's in his regular rotation.
–Starbucks, Montague Street
NYU student on cell: But logic doesn't call you back. Logic sleeps with you and leaves in the morning.
–Kimmel Center
Husband pushing carriage to wife: You're lucky I'm on my way to church right now, or I'd kill you.
–Upper West Side
Chick on cell: But the real question is, is he Catholic? And an insomniac?
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: Poogins
Sequined Australian drag queen: Well, I know an Antichrist religion when I see it.
–2nd St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Alisha
Girl on phone: He told me he was raped by a Catholic priest when he was little, but like I don't believe him.
–Butler Library, Columbia University
Train conductor: 110th Street, Cathedral Parkway. There are churches here, you know.
–1 Train
Man to woman, after getting off cell phone: Ah, that was Nancy–booty call. She says I gotta get over there before she's got to go to church.
–Q Train
Overheard by: spygirl
Girls looking at pictures: He was mad fat, but he was a good ass baby.
–Uptown A Train
Guy walking through sea of sun bathers: There aren't even that many fat people here… That's good.
–Sheep Meadow, Central Park
Guy on cell: You're not skinny fat, no.
–East Village
Guy on cell phone: You mean you're not going to fatso's wedding!
–N Train
Overheard by: wasn't even invited
Female suit: Why the hell does Weight Watchers have so many big fat people working in their offices, anyway? That's so not inspiring!
–40th & Madison Ave
Guy on phone: You mean the really nice one? She got big? What do you mean by big? (pause) Oh. Well, she has an exceptionally beautiful face, man. Do the right thing.
–9th & 15th
Overheard by: Courtney
Tourist mom to daughter: This is a train station.
–Lobby of the MetLife building
Tourist on cell: I just humped Timmy in Times Square!
–Times Square
Tourist girl to no one, pointing out window: Oh my god, they actually have carts in New York that sell pretzels?! It’s actually true?!
–Boston-bound Greyhound
Tourist girl to boyfriend: Wow, New York is just like Ohio!
–Fast food corridor, Penn Station
Overheard by: Bean
Tourist to guide: Is it illegal to pick your nose in America?
–79th & 5th
Tourist kid: So, this has nothing to do with batteries?
–Battery Park
Overheard by: Good thing I have an iPhone
Marketing girl: Would you like to try a new perfume? It's for you and your pet!
–Bryant Park, Outside Fashion Week Tents
Overheard by: jycho
Girl: I told my mom that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life. Yesterday she sent me an e-mail with a link to petfinder.com.
–Student Center, Barnard
Overheard by: Kristine
Man trying to sell comedy club tickets: Cheaper than an abortion! More entertaining than the crucifixion! More fun than euthanizing your pets!
–50th Ave & Broadway
Overheard by: Colleen
Queer on cell: Well, women are just pets for straight men.
–E 10th St
Woman on cell: So are you going to tell your daughter that you ate her pet?
–20th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Jesse S G
Guy on cell: She goes to school in Pittsburgh. She’s second rate. We go to school in New York. We know who we are.
–Astor Place
Guy on cell: No, no. We only look down on people we’re helping.
–Broadway & Fulton
Wet dude: I should not have to walk in the rain! I am a very important person!
–71st Rd & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills
Creepster: I’ve always thought babies make the best pets.
–Bronx Zoo
Woman on cell: What the hell is this? E’ry bitch in here got somebody else baby! Black ladies got white babies. White ladies got Chinese babies. Is this Take-somebody-else-baby-to-the-park Day? Shit, I wish somebody woulda took mines!
–Madison Square Park
Overheard by: Manhattman
Hipster chick, looking at over-sized purse: Oh, I like this bag! You could fit a baby in here! [Lady nearby stares.] Y’know, not that I’d ever put a baby… in a bag… Sheesh.
–Urban Outfitters, 2nd Ave
Lady on cell: I know it’s reasonable to worry about things. but I just think it’s sort of strange that you worry about a shark jumping up and snatching your baby while you’re driving over a bridge! [Long pause] Well, did you ever think of rolling up the windows?
–Union Square
Blonde on cell: So, my friend took me to this vegan barbecue this weekend. Fucking bullshit. I had to go home and eat a baby just to feel normal again.
–59th & 5th
