Wednesday One-Liners Go Directly to My Thighs

Professor, seriously: Were you involved in the jelly bean incident?

–Physics Hallway, Trinity School

Overheard by: Siena

CSR: Stale peeps are excellent! Now, that is one finely-aged peep.

–Hudson & Houston

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Man to friends sitting on bench: You either look at the girl or you look at the ice cream!

–Outside Sundaes & Cones, 10th & 3rd

Overheard by: The Girl Anonymous

Cheerful gift shop clerk on phone: So I got my peanut buttercups and then Anne* saw me on the street and came up to me, and punched me in the face and was all "Give me a peanut buttercup!" and I said "but there are only two in the package and I was saving one for Robert*!" Then she punched me in the face again!

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Greek waitress: Ice cream without whipped cream is like… girl without boyfriend!

–Diner, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Posted on July 22, 2009
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Friends, Hudson River, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Punch, Questions, School, Store, Students, Teachers/Professors, The Met, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village

Wednesday One-Liner Repeats Itself

History geek: You laugh, but where would you be without the 18th century? The 20th century, not the 21st, that's where.

–New York Historical Society

Overheard by: Emily B.

Little boy looking at book about Presidents: I see John F. Kennedy, and I see Abraham Lincoln, and I see… what's his name? Hilary's wife?

–BookCourt, Brooklyn

20-something girl: There's this guy in my class who's like an Indian. But, I keep reading these things about how we were so horrible to the Indians and how there are none left, so where did he come from? Like, if there are none left, where did he come from?

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Beth!

Woman to daughter: You know what Henry VIII ruled with? He ruled with his dick!

–Penn Station

Teenage girl on cell, yelling: Victorian era lesbians! Not Edwardian! Lesbians weren't nearly hot enough in the Edwardian era! Yeah, we should probably watch it together.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: I really hope it's porn

Posted on July 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Families, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Grand Central, History & Geography, Kids, Laughter, Moms, Names, Nerds, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Penn Station, President, Questions, Race, Rockefeller Center, Stupidity, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

…Think That Makes Me Gay?

Awkward tall man: A pigeon hit me in the chest today.
Attractive woman: That's because your chest is where most people's heads are. It was attacking.
Awkward tall man: Yeah, but it just stimulated my nipples a little bit.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Fatericbana

Posted on July 18, 2009
Accidents, Birds, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Men, Nipples, Weirdness, Women

A Piñata Full Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old boy, matter-of-factly, to dorky dad: Mexican people like to put animals on their shoulders.

–108 St & Broadway

Black guy to white woman: Anyway, it turns out–and this is really weird–in Texas, they hate Mexicans as much as they hate African Americans!

–17th St & 8th Ave

Man to another: I just want to be gang-raped by a group of Latinos.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Mike

Exasperated woman to friend: And this is why I don't interfere when it comes to Mexicans!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Green Star

10-year-old to friend: You have the same name as a short, fat Mexican boy!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Latino gay to white gay: You have good genes, you just don't have the Latino gene that makes your face moisturize naturally. I'm like the Dick Clark of faggotry!

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: H-Bomb

Teen to friend: Make sure that you're in Guatemalan mode.

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Posted on July 15, 2009
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Diet/Weight, Friends, Global Geography, Kids, KKK, Latinos, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Queer guys, Race, Rape, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

Bitch, Say My Wednesday One-Liner!

Professor: My name is John, but some people call me Godzilla!

–Baruch College

Overheard by: Nas T. Pezz

Middle school student to friend: Nike was probably invented by a guy named like Nathaniel Ike. Get it? N. Ike.

–Marymount School

White woman on cell: So do I call you Wayne? Weezy? Lil?

–Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: kdice

Thug to another: What?! Upstate?! Nigga, no no no! Hell no! I ain't trustin no nigga named Chad. Who the fuck names a nigga Chad?

–F Train

Man on cell: Aw, come on! You shittin' me. Ain't no muthafucka named "gay-org!"

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Overheard by: manhattman

Teen girl on cell: My name is "princess," not "yo!"

–B61 Bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tastypaper

Conductor: This is Carrol Street, named after my ex-wife, Carrol Garden. She was great.

–F Train

Posted on July 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bus, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, College, Directions, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Insults, Men, Movies, Names, Nicknames & name calling, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Questions, School, Shoes, Street, Students, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women, Words

Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners

Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!

–Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn

Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?

–1st Ave & 3rd St

Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here… It'll be like Maury Povich.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: NOT the father

Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.

–Q64 Bus

Overheard by: a people-grower

Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Jenn

Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?

–2 Train

Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."

–84th Drive, Queens

Posted on July 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Bus, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Families, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Kids, Languages, Latinos, Malls, Moms, Names, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Pee, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Skinny People, Street, Stupidity, Threats, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

“Young Adult” Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.

–Joralemon & Court

Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty… uh… eight.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Chuckell

Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!

–B7 Bus

Overheard by: i know, i love it too…

Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Eric

Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live–without someone taking care of me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jason B

Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!

–Manhattan Office

Posted on July 15, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Bus, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dads, Ethnic Food, Friends, Guys, Horny, Insults, Kids, Medicine, Men, Offers and requests, Office, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parents, Street, Vagina, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

As Youngsters, the Kardashians Were Pretty Much the Way They Are Today

Eight-year-old sister: Oh, I'm telling momma that you been mean to that boy and you been cussin'! She'll take your allowance away!
Eight-year-old brother: Fuck you! Suck my dick!
Eight-year-old sister: I'll take your allowance and your dick!

–Tompkins Ave & Flushing Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: pechewychomp

Posted on July 11, 2009
Brooklyn, Brothers, Family Ties, Insults, Kids, Parents, Penis, Should've Used a Condom, Sisters, Threats

Why Do I Always Get Headaches When I Hang Out with You?

Girl to foreign friend: I wish my friend Lockdown lived here, but he lives in LA.
Foreign friend: Low down?
Girl: Lockdown.
Foreign friend: What is he?
Girl: Lockdown!
Foreign friend: Lookdown?
Girl: No! Lockdown.
Foreign friend: He's in jail ?
Girl: No, he's not locked up, he's Lockdown.
Foreign friend: So he's married?
Girl: No! His name is Lockdown. He's single.
Foreign friend: So, is he from Malaysia?
Girl: No, Michigan.

–N 6th St & Bedford Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on July 9, 2009
Brooklyn, Foreigners, Friends, Girls, Language Barrier, Marriage, Names, Prison, Questions, Wishes & desires, Words

Kentucky Fried Wednesday One-Liners

Man to little boy: I can't believe you've never played tic-tac-toe with a chicken in Chinatown.

–52nd & Lexington

Overheard by: Ed

Hipster guy: I don't know though, I can't Indian give those chickens, can I?

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: BKLover

Older black man to himself, entering train with moving box: I got a live chicken in this box! I don't know why god gave me a chicken. He knows I don't know what to do with one. (a few minutes later) I'm gonna sell her to the butcher shop and they're going to cut that motherfucker up!

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: Mawy

Serious man, seeing dog carrying shopping bad in teeth: I am going to train a dog like that. I will train it to bring me chicken.

–73rd St & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Large black dude to large black friend: Yo, man, I am so tired of chicken! I mean, yeah, I know, I'm black…but man, I ain't eating no chicken at that party man. Don't even bring no chicken by me, cause I ain't eating none. Matter of fact, I ain't eating no chicken for Black History Month. I'ma start the movement! No chicken for Black History Month!

–Downtown 2 Train

Overheard by: Kosi

Posted on July 8, 2009
Birds, Black People, Brooklyn, Celebrations/Parties, Food, Friends, God, Guys, Hipsters, Insults, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Race, Street, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness